I think I am losing it

Meditate and take It easy. Find good things and laugh. Take your mind off stressful things, build your energy into different things that havent been done. Dont look for petty drama, or issues or competition. Get rest and exercise and maintain a positive state of mind.
 
See a therapist. You've been diagnosed with ocd which probably makes you irritable.
Momentum is a serious thing, if you have it going in a direction, positive or negative it's hard to switch it up.
 
Recently, for the past two months, I've started feeling tired and down all the time. I don't know why everything is going my way and nothing has changed. I was ripped, and I am now skinny because I completely abandoned sports which I suck at now due to lack of practice and the gym.
I spiral sometimes into bursts of arrogance thinking I am better that everyone else constantly trying to top people and can't deal with people. I have to have things my way and become extremely competitive in silly things even in volunteer work before eventually winding down into a down state again. I can't talk to anyone about this because it would affect the way they look at me and question my ability to perform at work and volunteer events. I do feel as if my life has been waste because I never had a childhood. I spent my entire childhood on pills for extreme anxiety and OCD; but at the same time, I don't think I have a right to be depressed because my life has been picture perfect which makes me feel down about being down if that makes sense. I could never find the root of where this all came from because my life has been fine. Others are going through way worse.

Dont share any more with NT. The stupid/negative/troll advice you get will outweigh any beneficial. So far most of us are encouraging though.

I would for sure seek out some help, whether its just talk with a therapist or get some mental health attention.
 
This doesn't sound like washed. Ask your GP for a referral to a therapist. It could help you. But you'll never know unless you try. At the very least you'll be able to verbally vent to an actual medical professional who could lead you in the right direction. Generally speaking the internet isn't a very good surrogate doctor.
 
I feel you OP on alot of levels. I'm going to attempt to break down your post and provide some solutions.

"Recently, for the past two months, I've started feeling tired and down all the time. I don't know why everything is going my way and nothing has changed. I was ripped, and I am now skinny because I completely abandoned sports which I suck at now due to lack of practice and the gym."

Fitness and life goes through phases. When you are ready, go back to the activities that make you feel good. Don't worry about sucking and accept your level of skill in whatever sport you play. It's natural to fall into a stage of feeling washed at a particular sport or hobby. If its in your heart to be better at them then you'll find a way to make it work. But it doesn't help to be so critical of yourself. Try not to take yourself so seriously and accept where your at in life.

"I spiral sometimes into bursts of arrogance thinking I am better that everyone else constantly trying to top people and can't deal with people. I have to have things my way and become extremely competitive in silly things even in volunteer work before eventually winding down into a down state again."

It sounds like your ego and desire for acceptance is getting the best of you. I know its harder that what it sounds but try not to compare yourself to others. You'll eventually get to a point in life when you realize that you will have nothing to prove to anyone and only your validation matters. Yoga, meditation and reading has helped me with this but there are other ways such as therapy and social interactions through the right people that will help with that. Perhaps talk to a peer or elder that you trust about it.

"I can't talk to anyone about this because it would affect the way they look at me and question my ability to perform at work and volunteer events."

Try therapy or talking to a third party that you feel will not judge you. But most importantly, do not bottle your emotions in. It will be toxic for your mental and physical health. The interesting thing is about your statement is that it sounds like you have alot of people that look up to you. They may actually look up to you more and appreciate you being transparent about the issues that you're dealing with. Alot of personal communication and relate-ability(sp?) is lost in today's internet society. Just consider the possibility of the positive engagement that may come with sharing your thoughts with your community.

" I do feel as if my life has been waste because I never had a childhood. I spent my entire childhood on pills for extreme anxiety and OCD; but at the same time, I don't think I have a right to be depressed because my life has been picture perfect which makes me feel down about being down if that makes sense. I could never find the root of where this all came from because my life has been fine. Others are going through way worse."

You and everyone else in the world has the right to have the feelings that they have. Depression can happen to literally anybody from any background. You will need to accept the feeling so that you can process it and move on. The thing that alot of people are only recently vocalizing is that this processing of emotions takes real work. That can be communication with others, therapy, mindfulness, reading etc. You will need to make a conscious effort to work on yourself and love yourself.

We all need support and NT is at times a support system for me and others. If you need anything OP feel free to DM me and do not be afraid to find a support system for what you are going through.

Best wishes and feel better OP.
 
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OP, where do you live? Is it Seasonal Affective Disorder? Seek proper help, bro.
 
Are you single? Do you have good friends? Family members? Hang around people that are positive and uplifting. Start hitting the gym again, get back into sports.
 
OP, from what I’ve read it seems you have a very competitive nature and your physical image is attached to the success of competitiveness. But those are very sport-like attitudes and it sounds like it’s not on par with the volunteer work you actually do. It’s okay to be competitive, it’ll yield to great output if you do the right amount. But the moment you start thinking you need to be the better than everyone in everything you do will be your downfall. You got to see the bigger picture in things, if the output of your work is positive; it doesn’t affect the output or tarnish your relationship of your peers, then you’re doing fine. But when you make it about yourself, and wanting to be on top, then maybe your volunteer work is not the work for you.

Just evaluate these things OP, competition seems to be rooted in you and you don’t want to change that and change who you are and what you’re known for. You have a lifetimes worth of competitiveness, so apply it wisely to what you do on the daily.
 
OP, from what I’ve read it seems you have a very competitive nature and your physical image is attached to the success of competitiveness. But those are very sport-like attitudes and it sounds like it’s not on par with the volunteer work you actually do. It’s okay to be competitive, it’ll yield to great output if you do the right amount. But the moment you start thinking you need to be the better than everyone in everything you do will be your downfall. You got to see the bigger picture in things, if the output of your work is positive; it doesn’t affect the output or tarnish your relationship of your peers, then you’re doing fine. But when you make it about yourself, and wanting to be on top, then maybe your volunteer work is not the work for you.

Just evaluate these things OP, competition seems to be rooted in you and you don’t want to change that and change who you are and what you’re known for. You have a lifetimes worth of competitiveness, so apply it wisely to what you do on the daily.
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Same. I tried everything, yoga and gym etc. I'm in the process of getting sober in hopes maybe it'll work. I've been blunted for years and drinking. Figure it's the last thing to do. Much love and hope it works out.
 
This is exactly one of the things that I've evaluated except I bottle in my ego and competitiveness because having an excess of both even in silly things such as volunteer activities or friendly games I fear will make me look like an a-hole even though I don't feel I am doing it out of malicious purpose. I admit to that fault. It's just uncontrollable for me.

You’re maybe being too hard on yourself. You’re your worst critic, but don’t stop your very self because of what you think. You’re living in your own bubble, try breaking that by talking to closer ones and ask if they see you as you see yourself. There’s nothing wrong with doing that, but they’ll give you an outside perspective on yourself. Has anyone told you personally that your an a hole for being competitive? If not, that is clearly your nature, and you should embrace it because it is a powerful asset that’ll bring the best out of you.

As a person on the outside looking in on what you’ve revealed so far, you’re thinking too much. And I’ve done the same. I’m a designer, and I’ve gotten sly comments while in school on certain areas of my work where it’s clear it’s my forte. But, I’ve taken those comments as constructive criticism and adjusted my abilities. I even talked to my colleagues on how can I improve and they gave me honest input. I learned my strengths and weaknesses, and adjusted; put less time on strengths and more times on weaknesses. I made sure every tool in my asset is on par. That provided me confidence and the means to adjust.

What I’m trying to say is, go outside your thoughts and reach out to close ones next to you. Hear what they see about you. I hope that’ll help clear some fog in your thoughts OP.
 
I don't think I have a right to be depressed because my life has been picture perfect which makes me feel down about being down if that makes sense.

There's no such thing as having a "right" to be depressed.

Depression is an illness not a choice.

Go talk to a therapist, make sure you eat healthy, go to the gym again.

Good luck.
 
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