1. The Cowboys, Colts and Ravens all bounce back. Drafting a quarterback at No. 4 overall creates controversy in Dallas, but Tony Romo stays healthy all year, Kirk Cousins turns back into a pumpkin and the Cowboys win a still-pitiful NFC East. Andrew Luck returns from injury to resume his stellar career trajectory after the team drafts him yet another first-round wide receiver. And Baltimore drafts a rookie of the year with the No. 6 pick. Don’t even know who that’ll be or what position he’ll play, but Ozzie Newsome with the No. 6 pick feels like cash money in the bank.
2. Mario Williams revives his career in New England. Just because Rex Ryan’s emotions are one of Bill Belichick’s favorite chew toys, the Patriots sign Williams after the Bills cut him and he collects 14.5 sacks. Being an equal-opportunity AFC East tormentor, Belichick also signs free agents Chris Ivory and Rishard Matthews and wins his eighth consecutive division title and 13th in 14 years while Williams, Ivory and Matthews go to the Pro Bowl.
3. Odell Beckham Jr. leads the NFL in receiving yards and touchdowns. This in spite of being benched by new head coach Ben McAdoo in the second half of the Steelers game after incurring consecutive personal-foul penalties because Joey Porter made fun of his hair.
4. The Raiders declare themselves a traveling team. As stadium discussions with Oakland continue to go nowhere and the Chargers ultimately come to grips with the necessity of joining the Rams in Los Angeles, Raiders owner Mark Davis gets fed up. He calls a news conference to announce that, beginning with the 2017 season and in the grand tradition of teams such as the 1927 Duluth Eskimos and the 1952 Dallas Texans, the Raiders officially will be a “road team,” playing every game at their opponent’s stadium until they can find a town that wants to build them a home.
5. Peyton Manning becomes the face of the new Tennessee Titans ownership group. Desperate for some stability and direction for the franchise in Nashville, the NFL convinces the former University of Tennessee star to be the Titans’ Magic Johnson, buying into and fronting the group that will purchase and run the team. In related news, Duke’s David Cutcliffe is hired as the next coach of the Titans, whose efforts to trade Marcus Mariota to the Giants for Eli Manning prove unsuccessful.
6. The Carolina Panthers start 0-2, sparking a rash of breathless “What’s wrong with Cam Newton?” headlines. They right the ship and win their fourth consecutive NFC South title, but the 2015 magic can’t repeat itself and they lose a tough playoff game in Arizona. A bizarre new pair of animal-print Versace jeans remains stuck in Newton’s closet with the tags still on as he watches Carson Palmer board a plane for the Super Bowl.
7. The Los Angeles Rams use four different starting quarterbacks, including Robert Griffin III. But they finish 7-9, once again failing to deliver Jeff Fisher’s first winning season since 2008 and his seventh in 22 years as an NFL head coach. Stan Kroenke announces after the season that Fisher will return to try again for that elusive nine-win season, and would we all please leave him alone now so he can go meet with the Six Flags people about the new stadium.
8. Chip Kelly coaches the San Francisco 49ers into the playoffs. Somehow, quarterback Blaine Gabbert throws 27 touchdowns and only two interceptions while the 49ers lead the league in rushing and finish 10-6 to earn a wild-card spot. Kelly’s success reminds everyone what a brilliant X's-and-O's coach he is and makes everyone forget about the personality and personnel issues that did him in in Philadelphia. SPOILER ALERT: The 2017 and 2018 predictions aren’t quite as rosy.
9. Six teams change head coaches after the season. This isn’t the boldest prediction, because this basically happens every year. But just wait until we tell you which teams. It’s Buffalo, Tennessee, Detroit, New Orleans and two shockers -- Green Bay, where rumblings about the Mike McCarthy/Aaron Rodgers relationship will have been in the news all year, and Seattle, where Pete Carroll surprisingly announces his retirement to pursue a late-life career as a motivational speaker.
10. The Cincinnati Bengals will beat the Arizona Cardinals in Super Bowl LI. I know what you’re thinking, but yes, they’re going back to Roman numerals next year. What? Oh, you mean the prediction itself? Yeah, well, eventually Charlie Brown’s going to kick that football before Lucy yanks it away from him, right? One of these years?
stillin729
for accepting that jersey if that happens
