Here you go, from ESPN Insider:
Player X is an anonymous NBA star. This is his fourth column.
THERE ISN'T ENOUGH trash-talking in this league, and we're the worse for it. Players are just too buddy-buddy; a lot of us grew up together in AAU ball and have remained friends. Because of that, the NBA basically looks like the cool-kid clique in high school.
I miss the loud old days. A few decades ago, in the heyday of trash,
Michael Jordan, Larry Bird and the Knicks couldn't shut up. Those guys all played with emotion, and that fuels the best trash-talk. It's no coincidence that some of the best ball ever seen was played during the top trash-talking era.
When players hold their tongues, the league is boring. And we've been quiet too long. I blame all the foreign guys. They don't like confrontation. I don't know many who can talk trash, or even try. The refs are at fault too. A lot of the T's you see called are preemptive; refs hear some noise and blow the whistle before it escalates. If you ask me, they're trying to take the "black" out of the game. Besides Bird, all the great trash-talkers have been black. We were born talking trash. They want to silence us, but that's like telling a bunny to stop jumping. The bunny can't help it.
The lack of on-court chatter is bad because it's such a good way to get in an opponent's head and rattle him. A player's manhood is always fair game; question that, in language they won't let me use here, and see how he responds. Great trash-talkers also love talking junk about another guy's finances. It doesn't always work, though. Legend has it
Gary Payton, who vets say talked an endless stream of trash, once told Jordan that he drove a better car than MJ. "The cars I got are just like yours," Jordan replied. "Except mine were free." That cracks me up.
Trash-talk can go too far fast, though, so there is a code. Off-limit topics: moms, wives, girlfriends, kids. And health. Honestly, I never thought anyone would cross the line to crack on an opponent about a medical condition. But according to
Charlie Villanueva, that's what
Kevin Garnett supposedly did earlier this season when he called the Pistons forward a "cancer patient." Garnett later claimed otherwise, saying he had called Villanueva -- who's hairless because of a skin condition -- a "cancerous" player.
I don't know who's telling the truth, but I don't care. Garnett is a punk and a coward. I know, I know. Easy for me to say behind this column. Don't worry, I'll tell him to his face, too. And I'm not the only one who thinks that: If you're not on his team, chances are you hate the guy. You can learn a lot about him by watching his eyes. If he's talking to you -- and he's always talking -- he avoids eye contact. My advice to other guys in the league: Stare him down, and he'll retreat. From what I've seen, he'll never mix it up with a player who's bigger than he is. Personally, I think he's scared to fight -- like a playground bully who barks but doesn't bite.
But I have to admit, the Celtics are the most talkative guys in the league. And that makes sense, because it's the mark of a championship team. Mouths help you win big games.
Ray Allen got mean in Boston, and
Paul Pierce will look at you, say, "Stop this," then drop a J on your head.
The Lakers aren't as good at it, but the defending champs have an edge over most other teams because Kobe can talk with the best of them while he lights you up and
Ron Artest is just weird. One reason he's a great defender is he'll get way too close and whisper in your ear.
The things that make all of these guys good talkers -- passion, a mean streak -- are what also make them great basketball players. Not surprisingly, some of the quietest guys happen to be ringless.
Chris Bosh, for one, never says a word. LeBron? Even when he does talk, he's terrible at it.
Want to get to "The King" and some other prime-time players? Here's one man's go-to material: Drop a "you're riding coattails" on LeBron or remind him he bailed on the Cavs to buy a ring. Mention
Dwight Howard's J -- or lack of one; it never fails to piss him off. Call Kobe a fake Jordan. (Just beware you may get posterized for the rest of the game.) Don't bother with
Tim Duncan; dude can't hear a thing and never gets rattled. But feel free to remind
Tony Parker that "Eva is fine"; wives are over the line, but not exes. Tell Pierce his one ring was all luck. Then have one of your bigger guys step to KG.