real convo. For all my dudes who grew up without a father.

[wisepharoah]

As a man do you feel like having to figure out everything yourself is beneficial or harmful? Do you ever sit back and think how different you would be if your father was still alive or in your life? Sometimes I feel like nobody really gives a %@%% about me and I can't relate to anyone around me because most of my fam and friends pops is still alive. I'm an abnormal individual to begin with so its incredibly hard actually meeting people I can vibe with. I have always had a really bad and abusive relationship with my mother so its like I have nobody to express my deeper thoughts and struggles with. Who do you talk to? Where so you go for wisdom and guidance? I always look within but I realize that I don't have all the answers. I'm in a major transitional phase in my life and imma have to figure that #%+$ all on my own. It excites me but at the same time it trips me out.

 

[pacers31]

it has its ups and downs...i lived with my dad through high school after not seeing him for most of my life. we never really got along or talked much but he put a roof over my head and is putting me through college so i appreciate him for that. and i have friends for whenever i need someone to talk to

 

[10 piece nuggets]

My dad passed when I was 8 or 9 years old. My mom has done an amazing job raising me and I dont really think what life owuld be like if my pops was around. You cant really ask questions like that, the possibilities are endless. Growing up I never went to my mom for advice, or express my feelings too. Not saying I had a bad relationship with her, I just never expressed my true inner feelings to her. I went to my friends basically for that.
Just live your life. Dont go looking for answers, itll answer itself in time.

 

[odog24]

If your religious you can go to church/mosque/temple if you need some guidance.

 

[shoedinidc]

there's no time machine so it doesn't matter but things mighta been different had he not died when I was 14.

 

[stonedface]

Originally Posted by WISEPHAROAH

As a man do you feel like having to figure out everything yourself is beneficial or harmful? Do you ever sit back and think how different you would be if your father was still alive or in your life? Sometimes I feel like nobody really gives a %@%% about me and I can't relate to anyone around me because most of my fam and friends pops is still alive. I'm an abnormal individual to begin with so its incredibly hard actually meeting people I can vibe with. I have always had a really bad and abusive relationship with my mother so its like I have nobody to express my deeper thoughts and struggles with. Who do you talk to? Where so you go for wisdom and guidance? I always look within but I realize that I don't have all the answers. I'm in a major transitional phase in my life and imma have to figure that #%+$ all on my own. It excites me but at the same time it trips me out.

My dad pretty much moved to the other side of the U.S. right after I was done with middle school. I am now 21. I can call my Dad up whenever I feel like it but its not the same as if he were still here in person. I feel like going through high school and entering college is a big part in growing up and not having him there when I needed guidance or advice, is not a feeling I would want my kids to EVER have to feel.. My teen years are filled with doubt, pain, crazy emotions, loneliness, etc alot of things that I feel could have been supressed have my Dad been there supporting me..
I sit back all the time and think "Man, what if he was still around, how different of a person I'd be..". 

 

[wisepharoah]

I'm not looking for guidance I'm just talking about having a male father figure or role model you can just vent or talk about life with.

 

[shoeking2101]

Well for me, I lived under the same roof with my father until I was about 17, that's when the fam found out he was doing dirt,

But regardless, I never really saw the effect that he had on my life until now. I'm 19 now, and if anything, the confidence and reassurance that everything is fine, things will be okay is what I take away from my father and its something that I wish he was around to still give me.

 

[boi]

One of your close friends?!

A girl?!

 

[Majorbread]

yo my dad died when I was 19, I'm 22 now and no doubt I miss having a close relationship with a person that I can relate with, and talk with anything about, as well as put me in my place and kind of keep me in check.

RIP

 

[jay 23 man]

its a double edged sword...

you can learn and can figure things out
through your mistakes.
or can just screw up and take l's left and right...


life experiences will teach you that. and good dudes older folk can tell you what time it is.
i had to learn myself this week over some mess that happened
tried doin it my way...still doin it my way...
but there were other avenues i could've took it from that someone schooled me to...
but i learned everything is a learning experiences....
in some cases some of the situations i think you end up in would never happen if not the for father variable depending on relationship and other factors
and at times it would be great and easier some moms don't always have the right answers much as they try....

decent question op i could go on...
but 10 piece nugget (word) same boat as you 'cept i handle mine and learn sometimes in the midst and other times after the fact but you learn and what you learn becomes valuable to another when you find someone like you in your same predicament growing up.

 

[im cool c]

No disrespect to some of you guys, but the post says GREW UP without a father not died recently no disrespect again.. condolences even

My pops died when I was 4 years old, I grew up with a old school spanish moms from South America. I got molested when I was like 7. Moms claimed bankruptcy, was a late bloomer with chicks, always suppressed my emotions to my mom & always made myself to be my #1 male figure in my own life.

I done played football, baseball, got locked, ran from cops, smoked, $+%%@* with chicks... but even through all that I would never want my son, really any kid to at least not have a MALE figure in their life.

 

[Animal Thug]

I lost my father twice in my life.

When he left us when I was 11 years old, and when he died when I was 19.

But even before he left me when I was 11; he barely hung out with his oldest (me). All I knew about him was he worked his %+% off, so I barely seen him. His day-off used to be Sunday, and he slept in all day so I barely even seen him up until the evening time. Real rap, I used to be sort of scared/intimidated by him. He used to beat my mother sometimes, and in front of all us kids. Than he would dip and we wouldn't see him for like weeks. Than he would pop up out of nowhere again and just worked like he used.

I remember the day he left us, he was beating my mom and I stood up to that $#%!! like: 'stop @%++$#%$+*#!'. I never forget the look in his eyes. He turned around, kicked me as hard as he could and told me to take my worthless %+% back to bed. It was right before I grew as a man.

I wish he was a normal dude though, who had a great job and raised me and my 4 brothers like he was supposed to. But he had problems, just like everyone else. I forgive him. He @%%$$% up my childhood though. He left me mentally scarred. Socially too. There's some things I can't even talk about on here cause it's too deep.

But to get back to you Wise, I actually taught myself everything I know. I never really had anyone to turn too growing up. I had a few friends, some had pops and some who could of related to me. I learned a few things from them. But I appreciate the Cudell Recreation Center who housed me and my little brother with mentors who sort of taught us the importance of having fun no matter what. Than hooping everyday with older cats who unintentionally taught me how to face adversity. So I scrapped whatever knowledge I could to carry on to the next day.

I got cousins and uncles who are rich as $$#% but gave us the cold shoulder all our life, cause were probably too much for them to deal with. I don't blame them though. It was easier for them that way.

To this day, I still learn new things about life that my father could have taught me. Other things - no way in hell he could of. So it's a complex situation.

Until I have kids of my own, is when I'll be able to admit what I learned without my father was proof I never needed one.

 

[mthafxinrob]

I dont even know where to start, basically grew up without my dad. Im in SF and he is now in Redding, CA. Its def been a struggle without him. Never did good in school, honestly dont have a lot of friends, and it really hits me hard when I think too much about it. The times I remember with my dad were great times. My mom has always been there but still havent had the relationship as I had with my dad. 
I feel like it has made me mature faster and become a better person tho. I know for a fact that my kids will never go through that. My girl is the only person I talk to about these things. Shes had a dead beat dad so we understand each other and get along great.

This vid honestly makes me tear up every time I watch it

 

[wisepharoah]

I appreciate the replys guys. Pops died at 11 and its like nobody talks about it. Nobody EVER just leveled with me and had a heart to heart. I'm 26 and I just realize not 1 single person has ever leveled with me. That %$*! hit me like a brick today. My sister is in town and she has a new boyfriend that I see her getting married to and my mom asked me to sit down and question him like a father would. That %$*! hit me hard hearing my sis talk of this dude like its her pops like he takes care of her and %$*!. %$*! was deep as +$#+. I've put a lot of %$*! on the back burner and just kept my head down and grinded but the reality is I've lost all the people that really !$%#!+ with me for who I am.

 

[ryda421]

i don't let it get to me. i just think of how much worse it can actually be. like not having a gf, not being able to wake up with food in the house and warm meal to eat. it can always be worse. sure at times the fact that i never had a father figure can be bad because i have to figure things out on my own. but hey, i don't mind learning from trial and error. i take the scientific method approach. you won't know what will happen unless you actually do it. so live your life and stop focusing on the negatives, because it only plays to your disadvantages

 

[decemberlove]

Originally Posted by mthafxinRob

I dont even know where to start, basically grew up without my dad. Im in SF and he is now in Redding, CA. Its def been a struggle without him. Never did good in school, honestly dont have a lot of friends, and it really hits me hard when I think too much about it. The times I remember with my dad were great times. My mom has always been there but still havent had the relationship as I had with my dad.�
I feel like it has made me mature faster and become a better person tho. I know for a fact that my kids will never go through that. My girl is the only person I talk to about these things. Shes had a dead beat dad so we understand each other and get along great.

This vid honestly makes me tear up every time I watch it�

"Walk like a god and a goddess will come to you."

 

[sooperhooper]

I think about it all the time. Your story sounds similar to mine OP, my mom loved and spoiled me, but I'm sure she's bipolar and I underwent a lot of emotional abuse from her and my grandmother, which is why I have a complicated relationship with them now. They divorced when I was a baby and now I wish he would've been around more. He's still living and I need to take advantage of the fact that I can easily communicate with him, but its tough for me to get over the fact that he wasn't there throughout childhood. He would visit on holidays and bdays, but that wasn't enough imo. The older I get the more I wish we had a closer relationship. He's always dropping gems, dude is super intelligent. One thing he told me was "mothers take care of a child for the present, fathers take care of a child for the future". The older I get, the more I realize its true. Mainly why my future seems so bleek

Shoeking hit the nail on the head about the confidence/ reassurance aspect. Growing up is tough, especially when no one is there to have your back and prepare you for life. I'm the only child with no cousins that I'm close with, one grand dad I never met, the other I met once. Almost everything I know I had to teach my self. I picked up stuff here and there from neighborhood friends.

As for now, I have very good friends that I can confide in, and go to for advice, to answer your question OP.

 

[ihaveloveforthegame]

I lost my father when I was 13. I've always been off the beaten path when it comes to other people. My dad was an amazing person, for the last 5-6 years of his life he did hard physical labor making minimum wage, just to get be the new gameboy game or to put food on the table, he was always there to help me with my homework (he was a high school dropout mind you ) take me to my baseball games, watch the Boston Red Sox with me, take me to Red Sox games, all while having cancer. He was and is my inspiration to do well, always telling me that I can do anything as long as I got my education. It's a trip to look back seeing as how just a few days ago was 7 years since I last seen him. I guess I've been coping with it pretty well because of how close we were and how he was always there for me, and it's just another motivation for me to make him, as well as my mom proud.

It's a trip that I've graduated high school (he didn't), I'm a United States Marine, and I'm working on getting that College degree online. If I decide to go back to the civilian side of things I plan on opening my own store, or getting a second degree, all of this and I'm not even 21 yet.

I don't just do it for myself, or my family, I do it for him, as well as my friend whom I also just lost recently.

Man, cancer is a $**%+.
Kay Yow Hyperdunks for the win.

 

[pushak513]

I think it would have turned out alot differant if I had a father figure in my life cus I made some real costly mistakes and learned all the things males should know from people around me. As much as I think I needed that male figure in my life I have so much hatred for my dad ( left when I was 8 ) that I try not to think about..all the @$! I seen him put my mom though us not having food to eat and a crappy house to live in cus he didn't want to pay any child support..I mean the guy lived not even a mile from me and still never came to see me or pick me up nothin. Just makes me realize if I ever have a child I need to be there 100% so the things that are runnin around in my mind and messed me up don't happen to anyone else. I also see familys, like my girls, who have a father in the home but he has nothin to do with em it like he is a stranger to em..he dosent do anything with his son and they look at me like I'm supposed to be his role model and teach him things..thats almost as sad as not havin a father at all..this a tough subject gunna mess me up all day. Good luck OP hope life works out for you.