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Good evening TAN,
Today's ramble is about the experience of my first father-son trip to the liquor store, the lessons I took from the events, and how I learned that outdoor parenting is a different sport entirely from indoor parenting.
My first outdoor parenting experience was yesterday, and I learned a considerable amount from it. In case you don't realize, open-air parenting for a toddler is a completely different sport from indoor parenting...kinda like arena football is different from the NFL. One involves a lot more space, a lot more skill, a lot higher stakes and hopefully, a better defense.
Anyway, me and baby DX took our first father-son trip out into the big, wide world on that day. It's not as cute as it sounds, we were actually going to the liquor store.
(Hey, I had planned to go anyway during work mostly to pick up something Shannon wanted but ended up being the sitter on the shortest possible notice...sometimes errands must be run despite inconveniences. I asked both mommy and grandma if that violated some sort of moral code first...they said as long as we both stayed sober I was fine. I agree, children under 4 shouldn't drink. Moving on...)
The outing went pretty smoothly, all things considered. I obtained all mission items, retained most of my limited sanity and successfully prevented my young charge from sprinting unsteadily out into the street or something, which is good because that type of thing can't happen on my watch. (I already wrote a book about not wanting kids, can't have people suspecting me of foul play.)
I just learned a few things about the sport of outdoor parenting that I could not have learned in any other way but experience, and so I thought I'd share them so that when you find yourself toting a tot to the tipsy till on the train one day, you can be more confident in your childcare capabilities.
-It's never too early for a backpack. The kid won't be going off to school in the San Diego Unified School District for a few years now, but he might as well get used to the experience of carrying one. I'm making sure he does. He's illiterate and so doesn't own many books, but I was able to simulate the experience with a few diapers, a pack of wipes and a sippy cup. That way he gets to feel like a big boy and I don't have to be his caddy. Everybody wins.
-You can get free conversations with strangers anywhere if you bring a child under two. I had no idea about that particular coupon code and probably wouldn't have redeemed it with most people, but apparently traveling with a toddler is a free pass for everybody who sees his cute little face to speak to you at whatever length they desire. I even seemed a bit more attractive to the opposite sex...if I were the kind of guy to use my kid to pick up chicks at the risk of an unscheduled reproductive surgery courtesy of his mommy, I could have definitely used that to my advantage.
I often travel alone, and excluding Cowboys apparel, few people ever approach my big black bearded self wanting to randomly spark up a conversation about something I'm wearing. That changes when you're wearing a baby on your shoulders. People of all kinds, male, female, old, young, black, white and otherwise saw fit to stop me in the street and compliment me on my little accessory. Perhaps that's why some people use their babies to deliberately gather attention for themselves...it works whether you like it or not.
-You are automatically a child advocate. The thing about people speaking to someone they know can't speak back to them is that they still expect some kind of response. I'm not a complete jackass and don't want to make people feel as crazy as they look having a full conversation with someone who speaks approximately 3 words of English, so I have to toss out a lot of "Say hi, Deion!" knowing damn well if he actually did it would be the first time, "tell the lady thank you" for compliments when he didn't even thank my *** for all those early mornings yet, and "okay, bye-bye", which is my favorite part of most conversations, but still gets old to say after the first 25 times.
-You can freely talk to yourself. A baby is like a Bluetooth earpiece in that regard, except you probably look like less of a dickhead with a baby in most cases. When people see your lips moving with a child at your side, they often smile because they assume you're sharing tender words of encouragement as opposed to discussing with yourself what you're going to eat later.
-Defense, defense, defense. It's the key to outdoor parenting. You have to see the whole street in order to execute your play safely. If the rugrat breaks free and starts pulling **** off the shelf/rack/other people, they're going to blame you. You have to be constantly on guard to prevent it. Kid makes an end run for the fast moving colorful shapes on that black stuff, you have to slide into protection and make the block.
Hell, I even had to defend my breakfast burrito from McDonalds from the little hellraiser. (He had his own damn hash brown.) After I found out it was disgusting, I let him have some, but he shared my opinion of it.
I even had to make an open field tackle in a corner store when I had to let go and reach into my wallet. He ran away from the register and had turned a corner before I could grab him with only his gleeful squeals to give away his location. Thinking quickly, I shot up an adjacent aisle, took a good angle and was able to make the play by cutting him off at the pass.
-Toddlers can be lazy. After a while, he just refused to walk any more. The same kid who's always trying to get outside and doesn't even keep still in his sleep decided at a point that he had taken enough steps for that day and walked no further, demanding in shattered English to be picked up immediately. Naturally, this was the point after I was carrying 2 bottles of liquor, a bag of uneaten McDonalds and all the stresses of a day out with a 16 month old...but choice has eluded me since the very, very beginning, and as a result I ended up carrying 25 extra pounds all the way home. At least it was a reminder never to gain that much weight permanently.
-Outdoor parenting takes a toll on both parties. After our epic 3-hour journey that spanned a total of maybe a mile and a half, I was tired, sweaty and ready for a nap...his. The excitement of the day's events, including a rare train ride, lots of new faces and many previously unseen and wonderful sights that we take for granted every day, carried some residual effect. The kid was wired, bouncing off the walls for a good hour while I patiently waited to check my email to see what I had missed since I duty-called out of work.
After a while I got sick of waiting, popped him in his playpen, and stepped into my office for maybe 3 minutes before I heard an odd silence. Concerned that his activity level had caused him to vibrate at a speed suitable for interdimensional travel, I walked back into the living room to check on him...and found the picture you see at the top of this post. Apparently, the game was too much for him too.
Yes, I learned a lot on my first solo trip outside with a toddler: including that I'm glad I only have one.
Today's ramble is about the experience of my first father-son trip to the liquor store, the lessons I took from the events, and how I learned that outdoor parenting is a different sport entirely from indoor parenting.
My first outdoor parenting experience was yesterday, and I learned a considerable amount from it. In case you don't realize, open-air parenting for a toddler is a completely different sport from indoor parenting...kinda like arena football is different from the NFL. One involves a lot more space, a lot more skill, a lot higher stakes and hopefully, a better defense.
Anyway, me and baby DX took our first father-son trip out into the big, wide world on that day. It's not as cute as it sounds, we were actually going to the liquor store.
(Hey, I had planned to go anyway during work mostly to pick up something Shannon wanted but ended up being the sitter on the shortest possible notice...sometimes errands must be run despite inconveniences. I asked both mommy and grandma if that violated some sort of moral code first...they said as long as we both stayed sober I was fine. I agree, children under 4 shouldn't drink. Moving on...)
The outing went pretty smoothly, all things considered. I obtained all mission items, retained most of my limited sanity and successfully prevented my young charge from sprinting unsteadily out into the street or something, which is good because that type of thing can't happen on my watch. (I already wrote a book about not wanting kids, can't have people suspecting me of foul play.)
I just learned a few things about the sport of outdoor parenting that I could not have learned in any other way but experience, and so I thought I'd share them so that when you find yourself toting a tot to the tipsy till on the train one day, you can be more confident in your childcare capabilities.
-It's never too early for a backpack. The kid won't be going off to school in the San Diego Unified School District for a few years now, but he might as well get used to the experience of carrying one. I'm making sure he does. He's illiterate and so doesn't own many books, but I was able to simulate the experience with a few diapers, a pack of wipes and a sippy cup. That way he gets to feel like a big boy and I don't have to be his caddy. Everybody wins.
-You can get free conversations with strangers anywhere if you bring a child under two. I had no idea about that particular coupon code and probably wouldn't have redeemed it with most people, but apparently traveling with a toddler is a free pass for everybody who sees his cute little face to speak to you at whatever length they desire. I even seemed a bit more attractive to the opposite sex...if I were the kind of guy to use my kid to pick up chicks at the risk of an unscheduled reproductive surgery courtesy of his mommy, I could have definitely used that to my advantage.
I often travel alone, and excluding Cowboys apparel, few people ever approach my big black bearded self wanting to randomly spark up a conversation about something I'm wearing. That changes when you're wearing a baby on your shoulders. People of all kinds, male, female, old, young, black, white and otherwise saw fit to stop me in the street and compliment me on my little accessory. Perhaps that's why some people use their babies to deliberately gather attention for themselves...it works whether you like it or not.
-You are automatically a child advocate. The thing about people speaking to someone they know can't speak back to them is that they still expect some kind of response. I'm not a complete jackass and don't want to make people feel as crazy as they look having a full conversation with someone who speaks approximately 3 words of English, so I have to toss out a lot of "Say hi, Deion!" knowing damn well if he actually did it would be the first time, "tell the lady thank you" for compliments when he didn't even thank my *** for all those early mornings yet, and "okay, bye-bye", which is my favorite part of most conversations, but still gets old to say after the first 25 times.
-You can freely talk to yourself. A baby is like a Bluetooth earpiece in that regard, except you probably look like less of a dickhead with a baby in most cases. When people see your lips moving with a child at your side, they often smile because they assume you're sharing tender words of encouragement as opposed to discussing with yourself what you're going to eat later.
-Defense, defense, defense. It's the key to outdoor parenting. You have to see the whole street in order to execute your play safely. If the rugrat breaks free and starts pulling **** off the shelf/rack/other people, they're going to blame you. You have to be constantly on guard to prevent it. Kid makes an end run for the fast moving colorful shapes on that black stuff, you have to slide into protection and make the block.
Hell, I even had to defend my breakfast burrito from McDonalds from the little hellraiser. (He had his own damn hash brown.) After I found out it was disgusting, I let him have some, but he shared my opinion of it.
I even had to make an open field tackle in a corner store when I had to let go and reach into my wallet. He ran away from the register and had turned a corner before I could grab him with only his gleeful squeals to give away his location. Thinking quickly, I shot up an adjacent aisle, took a good angle and was able to make the play by cutting him off at the pass.
-Toddlers can be lazy. After a while, he just refused to walk any more. The same kid who's always trying to get outside and doesn't even keep still in his sleep decided at a point that he had taken enough steps for that day and walked no further, demanding in shattered English to be picked up immediately. Naturally, this was the point after I was carrying 2 bottles of liquor, a bag of uneaten McDonalds and all the stresses of a day out with a 16 month old...but choice has eluded me since the very, very beginning, and as a result I ended up carrying 25 extra pounds all the way home. At least it was a reminder never to gain that much weight permanently.
-Outdoor parenting takes a toll on both parties. After our epic 3-hour journey that spanned a total of maybe a mile and a half, I was tired, sweaty and ready for a nap...his. The excitement of the day's events, including a rare train ride, lots of new faces and many previously unseen and wonderful sights that we take for granted every day, carried some residual effect. The kid was wired, bouncing off the walls for a good hour while I patiently waited to check my email to see what I had missed since I duty-called out of work.
After a while I got sick of waiting, popped him in his playpen, and stepped into my office for maybe 3 minutes before I heard an odd silence. Concerned that his activity level had caused him to vibrate at a speed suitable for interdimensional travel, I walked back into the living room to check on him...and found the picture you see at the top of this post. Apparently, the game was too much for him too.
Yes, I learned a lot on my first solo trip outside with a toddler: including that I'm glad I only have one.
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