Anti - jokes

[2sappy]

why did the chicken cross the road?

because it had been so horrendously genetically modified in a lab that it had taken on almost human-like intelligence. Growing up in the lab, among hippy scientists and political idealists talking about the socialist revolution and liberation he thought one day, one day, he would have his freedom. Later that year, in an act of civil defiance within the chicken coop, he refused to eat the chicken feed alloted to him. As the scientists opened the cage to seize the dissident chicken, he pecked him in the eye and liberated his brothers and sisters. However, the real world was not what the chicken had expected. The rampant commercialism he saw upon his release disillusioned the young chicken to the extent that he decided to take his own life. Rising in the morning, at his usual time at 6 a.m., he leaned over and kissed his wife delicately upon the cheek, a solitary tear running down his eye as he imagined the child he knew he would never meet. The chicken stepped into the cold London morning, the frost chaffing his cheeks, the sleet crashing against his breast. Taking one step onto the busy dual-carriageway, he closed his eyes and imagined heaven....

 

[tizzlexiphone]

for those that don't get it, the funny part is that there is no joke, just regular convo, valid answer, or completely obvious answer ect... which is sometimes funnier that the joke itself,
If you cant see that than im sorry, ie. stevie wonder joke, you are expecting to hear a comment on him being blind, yet you get: "It's actually pretty nice."

 

[swishasweets]

I told my friend the pizza joke and when she didnt get it and gave up guessing and asked me what it was i said i didnt know..

 

[calikev34]

Originally Posted by BOTTOM74BOTTOM

This thread is so my speed

 seriously.
and these are funnier when you read em. saying them out loud doesn't get the same effect

 

[bottom74bottom]

Originally Posted by calikev34

Originally Posted by BOTTOM74BOTTOM

This thread is so my speed

 seriously.
and these are funnier when you read em. saying them out loud doesn't get the same effect

Clicked thread. Looked for more lulz. DID NOT expect quote. Tripped out.

 

[usa pride4life]

Me: Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
You: No.
Me: Well, it's actually pretty nice.

  LOL

 

[cronicmolemolereturns]

Originally Posted by whywesteppin

Originally Posted by tripleDUNK


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[/font]

A baby seal walks into a club.

 

[supersic97]

love this thread

A man goes to a grocery store, he buys bread, cheese and milk.
the cashier says: "Hey, you're single, aren't you?"
The man is astonished. "Wow, that's incredible. How did you know that?"
"You're ugly."


What's the difference between a walrus and a washing machine?
One is an animal, and one is an appliance.


What's funnier than a dead baby?
Pretty much anything, that's terrible

 

[though]

yo mama look like Thursday

 

[scotthallwithapick]

 

[messyyy]

Originally Posted by supeRsiC97

love this thread

A man goes to a grocery store, he buys bread, cheese and milk.
the cashier says: "Hey, you're single, aren't you?"
The man is astonished. "Wow, that's incredible. How did you know that?"
"You're ugly."

 

[miketysonthekiller]

What the duck say when he crossed the street?

Quack!

 

[mycoldyourdone]

Originally Posted by 5am6oody72

You: Knock knock.
Other person: Who's there?
You: Interrupting cow.

[Now there's a sudden uncomfortable silence, as your target realizes you're actually telling the interrupting cow joke, and is overcome by a nauseous blend of pity and shame. Then, with great trepidation, comes the response:]

Other person: ... interrupting cow who?
You: Interrupting Cow Rodríguez.

hahahaha

 

[supersic97]

What did Hitler say to his men just before they invaded Poland?
OK men, lets invade Poland

How do you get a black man out of a tree?
You set a ladder against the tree for him to climb down on.

How do you get 500 midgets into a Volkswagon?
You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accommodate 500 midgets. It wouldn't be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 midgets into a Volkswagon is solved.

Person 1: Did you hear about what happened at work today?
Person 2: (Confused expression)
Person 1: Oh that's right you're deaf.....never mind

 

[dmoney82]

Three women are on an airplane. One's a blonde, one's a redhead, and one's a brunette. Unfortunately, the plane was going to crash and there was nothing they could do but jump out and parachute to safety. So the captain said to each of the three ladies, "You can only take one of your possessions when you parachute out of the plane." The blonde says "I will take my watch becau--" But before she could finish her sentence the plane exploded because the flames on the wing had ignited the fuel tank. No one survived.

 

[jking0821]

Originally Posted by Xplicit213

Why can't Mike drive a bus?
Because Mike is a fish.

gets me every time

 

[dmoney82]

Q: What did the robot say to the child?


A: Nothing, he malfunctioned and strangled him. Despite the authorities best efforts to free the kid, he was still strangled because robots are really strong. After killing the boy, the robot self destructed and leveled 5 city blocks everyone within the vicinity was killed.

 

[finnns2003]

Helping the work day go by.

 

[omgitswes]

LOL I love this thread, then again my favorite comedian is Mitch Hendberg

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
RIP

 

[jking0821]

Originally Posted by omgitswes

LOL I love this thread, then again my favorite comedian is Mitch Hendberg

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
RIP

Yes Sir

"Dogs are forever in the push-up position"

 

[omgitswes]

It's been so long since I've actually listened to him, so I'm going through some of his quotes

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

  

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "**** it, cut em up!"

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-*****! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got mother******! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

and my favorite one of all time by him
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

 

[servechilled81]

Originally Posted by omgitswes

It's been so long since I've actually listened to him, so I'm going through some of his quotes

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

  

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "**** it, cut em up!"

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-*****! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got mother******! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

and my favorite one of all time by him
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Whenever I read Mitch Hedberg I have to do it in his voice

 

[omgitswes]

lol same here, it's a subconscious thing

 

[jayizill21]

most of these give me lulz

 

[theta]

Originally Posted by ServeChilled81

Originally Posted by omgitswes

It's been so long since I've actually listened to him, so I'm going through some of his quotes

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

  

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "**** it, cut em up!"

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-*****! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got mother******! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

and my favorite one of all time by him
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Whenever I read Mitch Hedberg I have to do it in his voice

lmfao same thing man