Anyone Got Jokes. Part 2

[T Lo Sweater]

Crap I need someone to make me feel dumb and explain this to me. I feel like it's potentially hilarious but it's going over my head right now.

when you camp you sleep in a tent

intense sounds like in tents

 

[93tilinfinity]

 

Crap I need someone to make me feel dumb and explain this to me. I feel like it's potentially hilarious but it's going over my head right now.

when you camp you sleep in a tent

intense sounds like in tents

ahh i knew i was missing something 

 thanks brother, repped.

 

[bhergh]

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[rule]
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[rule]

A man comes home from work, thinking no one else is home yet. As he puts down his briefcase and hat, he hears a faint moaning coming from his oldest daughter's bedroom. Not quite sure what's going on, he tiptoes down the hallway and gently pushes open the door, only to find his daughter on her back on her bed, eyes closed, using a dildo and on the verge of orgasm. Shocked, he blurts out, "What the hell do you think you're doing?". Visibly shaken, she quickly grabs a sheet to cover herself and yells at him to get out and close the door while she puts on some clothes.

Her father sits in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would pleasure herself in this manner. The daughter comes out and admonishes her dad for not knocking before entering, and then says, "Look - I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?". Her father says, "Listen - you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon". She replies, "No, Dad. It's just not in the cards. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you."

A few weeks later, the daughter comes home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and the dildo in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yells out "What in God's name are you doing?" The father casually looks over his shoulder at her and says, "What does it look like? I'm having a drink with my son-in-law."

 

[friscosfinest]

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says,

Spoiler

"75 cents."

 

[pftjordans]

Some funny ones in here

 

[pftjordans]

lol

 

[SC kid]

An irishman walks out of a bar.




A mosquito was discovered in africa that was said to have an iq higher than any human.
Scientists were baffled at the speed at which the mosquito could learn.
Eventually..they enrolled the mosquito in elementary school where he excelled and moved on to hs.
The mosquito eventually learned to speak and gave a speech as valedictorian.
He decides to attend harvard and is welcomed with open arms at the orientation.
After speaking to several esteemed professors the mosquito goes to get a drink.
There is a crowd around the wine table so he looks elsewhere
There are also hundreds of incoming freshman in the dining hall waiting in line.
The mosquito then spots a girl drinking fruit punch.
" where did u get that?" He says. she replies " oh...there isnt a punch line"

 

[pftjordans]

Two friends are camping in the woods one goes to take a leak and gets bit by a snake on his...... He run back to his friends to get help . His friends call the doctor and ask him how to help his friend doc says you go to suck the poisin out. He hangs up and tell his friend

Aye man you gonna die

Real tears bro

 

[am1x90xnike]

Bump.

Cop notices a guy standing on corner late at night. Cop notices Known drug addicts walk up to the guy talk a bit, they shake hands and the drug addict walks away. Well the cop has seen enough, he gets out and asks the guy what he's selling.

The guy replies 'I'm selling hope'

the cop says, 'so you admit it you're a drug dealer'

the guy answers ' sir I take offense. I would never sell people fleeting happiness for a small fee...sir, I'm a priest'


One more


A bf and gf were in the woods. After a long night of passionate love making, the girl looks at the boy and says 'well that was intense'

 

[flyny]

I don't necessarily have "jokes", but I will make fun of every mother ****** in the room and make everyone die laughing and hate me

 

[SC kid]

How do you find will smith in the snow.....

Spoiler: Warning: Spoiler!

you just follow the fresh prints

 

[ohmygosher]

There were three guys in a forest.
They were being attacked by cannibals.
The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your butt without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves the first apple up his butt and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.
Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your but without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.
Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"

Best one so far.

 

[doublemesh96]

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino? Hell if I know

 

[patrick bateman]

I know 9 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.

[COLOR=#red]I hate you[/COLOR]

 

[suberzat1]

 

[suberzat1]

Hmmmm that was a good 3k post but anyway

Three guys are out late and too far away from home so they decide to sleep in a barn. They sleep side by side. The guy on the left says, "I just had the most amazing dream that I was getting a handjob this hot blonde." The guy on the right says, "Wow, I had the same dream." Then the guy in the middle says "That's strange, I had a dream that I was skiing."

 

[jjs]

here is my contribution

Spoiler: Warning: Spoiler!

http://niketalk.com/t/586376/moment...do-that-ppl-may-see-is-weird-nasty-disgusting

 

[suberzat1]

A guy is riding on an airplane, and he decides he really needs a smoke. He pulls out a Cuban cigar, leans back, and lights up.

Unfortunately, he's sitting next to a woman with a dog on her lap, and as soon as he lights the cigar, the dog starts coughing. The lady glares at him and says, "Excuse me, sir, but could you put out your cigar? My dog is sensitive to smoke."

He glares right back. "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways."

"And you shouldn't have a cigar. This is a non-smoking flight!" she says.

Well, they argue back and forth for a while... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man says, "Look, I'll make a deal with you. I'll toss my cigar out the window, if you'll toss your dog." He smiles, knowing she'll never agree. But much to his surprise, she says yes!

The lady pulls the airplane window open, picks up her dog, and throws the dog out!

The man, since he has another cigar anyways, throws the cigar out the window as well. He smiles, thinking that he's won.

But the woman has outsmarted him--she's still holding her dog's leash! She smiles at the man, and pulls the dog back in through the window, thinking that she's won.

But guess what the dog had in its mouth!

A brick.

 

[polo sport nyc]

A guy is riding on an airplane, and he decides he really needs a smoke. He pulls out a Cuban cigar, leans back, and lights up.


Unfortunately, he's sitting next to a woman with a dog on her lap, and as soon as he lights the cigar, the dog starts coughing. The lady glares at him and says, "Excuse me, sir, but could you put out your cigar? My dog is sensitive to smoke."


He glares right back. "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways."


"And you shouldn't have a cigar. This is a non-smoking flight!" she says.


Well, they argue back and forth for a while... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.


Finally, the man says, "Look, I'll make a deal with you. I'll toss my cigar out the window, if you'll toss your dog." He smiles, knowing she'll never agree. But much to his surprise, she says yes!


The lady pulls the airplane window open, picks up her dog, and throws the dog out!


The man, since he has another cigar anyways, throws the cigar out the window as well. He smiles, thinking that he's won.


But the woman has outsmarted him--she's still holding her dog's leash! She smiles at the man, and pulls the dog back in through the window, thinking that she's won.


But guess what the dog had in its mouth!


A brick.

wut?

 

[jjs]

 

[polo sport nyc]

An irishman walks out of a bar.




A mosquito was discovered in africa that was said to have an iq higher than any human.
Scientists were baffled at the speed at which the mosquito could learn.
Eventually..they enrolled the mosquito in elementary school where he excelled and moved on to hs.
The mosquito eventually learned to speak and gave a speech as valedictorian.
He decides to attend harvard and is welcomed with open arms at the orientation.
After speaking to several esteemed professors the mosquito goes to get a drink.
There is a crowd around the wine table so he looks elsewhere
There are also hundreds of incoming freshman in the dining hall waiting in line.
The mosquito then spots a girl drinking fruit punch.
" where did u get that?" He says. she replies " oh...there isnt a punch line"

wut?

 

[ohmygosher]

^

There's no line for punch, and there's no punch line to the joke. Even though that is the punch line.

 

[picasso swerve]

A brick?

 

[jordan novice]

 

[doublemesh96]

That was about as funny as a dead baby's toys