Anyone Got Jokes. Part 2

[petezahut]

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[zapatohead408]

if a seagull goes to a bay, is it a bagel?

 

[zapatohead408]

man, the sexist ones already got deleted? Those were great,

 

[bruce negro]

My dad told me this joke.


What are the three rings of marriage?

1) Engagement Ring

2) Wedding Ring

3) Suffering


My mom and newly-wed brother just stonefaced while I was laughing.

 

[12gage57]

my bad i guess they were greatly inappropriate

 

[lil black jean jacket]

Lol

 

[SC kid]

A teacher says to her class

"There are 5 birds sitting on a fence, if a hunter shoots one how many are left?"

Lil timmy says

"None. They would all fly away when he fired his gun"

Teacher says..." thats not the answer i was looking for, but i like the way youre thinking"

Later on in class lil timmy says

"I got a question for you.
There are 3 women eating an ice cream cone. One woman is eating hers with a spoon, another woman is licking hers, and the third woman is sucking the bottim of the cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher replies shyly " well.....i guess the one sucking the cone"

Lil timmy says

"No, its the one with the wedding ring on.....

But i like the way youre thinking"

 

[raysweatshirt]

C'mon guys let's keep this thread going. I would have posted a gay joke, butt **** it...

 

[lil black jean jacket]

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

 

[thadoctadvocate]

C'mon guys let's keep this thread going. I would have posted a gay joke, butt **** it...

 

[dj zink]

That first one was good can't go wrong with humor

repped

 

[lil black jean jacket]

Three guys are training for the CIA, one's just out of high school, one's just out of college and the other is in his mid thirties. They have one test left to become agents, they bring the youngest one in first, hand him a gun and tell him his girlfriend is in the next room, all he has to do is go in there, shoot her and he'll be a CIA agent. He tells them he loves her too much, there's just no way he could do that. So they escort him off of the compound and tell him he's not cut out for the CIA. Next they bring in the college graduate, and tell him his fiance is in the next room and all he has to do is go into the next room and kill her to become an agent, he grabs the gun, goes into the next room, a few minutes pass and he comes back in to tell them he just couldn't do it, so he too is escorted off of the compound. Then it's the guy in his thirties turn, they tell him his wife is in the next room and all he has to do is kill her and he can be in the CIA, he grabs the gun, goes in the next room, they hear gunshots, then screaming, then nothing, the guy walks back in hands them the gun, and tell them "the gun was full of blanks so I had to beat her to death".

 

[lil black jean jacket]

I know 9 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.

 

[a blinkin]

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A teacher says to her class

"There are 5 birds sitting on a fence, if a hunter shoots one how many are left?"

Lil timmy says

"None. They would all fly away when he fired his gun"

Teacher says..." thats not the answer i was looking for, but i like the way youre thinking"

Later on in class lil timmy says

"I got a question for you.
There are 3 women eating an ice cream cone. One woman is eating hers with a spoon, another woman is licking hers, and the third woman is sucking the bottim of the cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher replies shyly " well.....i guess the one sucking the cone"

Lil timmy says

"No, its the one with the wedding ring on.....

But i like the way youre thinking"

Three guys are training for the CIA, one's just out of high school, one's just out of college and the other is in his mid thirties. They have one test left to become agents, they bring the youngest one in first, hand him a gun and tell him his girlfriend is in the next room, all he has to do is go in there, shoot her and he'll be a CIA agent. He tells them he loves her too much, there's just no way he could do that. So they escort him off of the compound and tell him he's not cut out for the CIA. Next they bring in the college graduate, and tell him his fiance is in the next room and all he has to do is go into the next room and kill her to become an agent, he grabs the gun, goes into the next room, a few minutes pass and he comes back in to tell them he just couldn't do it, so he too is escorted off of the compound. Then it's the guy in his thirties turn, they tell him his wife is in the next room and all he has to do is kill her and he can be in the CIA, he grabs the gun, goes in the next room, they hear gunshots, then screaming, then nothing, the guy walks back in hands them the gun, and tell them "the gun was full of blanks so I had to beat her to death".

at all of these

 

[a blinkin]

I know 9 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.

I love these

 

[Coromanti]

I know 9 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.

4,6, and 9 didn't happen though.

 

[SC kid]

A woman is in labor at a hospital but shes having complications.
As soon as the baby is out the doctors rush it down the hall.
Hours later the doctor comes out with the baby and says
" congratulations!! Its a beautuful bab ooooooh s***! And slips on some water flinging the baby out the fourth story window.
" OH MY GOD YOU KILLED MY BABY!" The woman screams

Ahh april fools! He said

"The baby was dead already"




A priest, rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a drink


A little boy finds a lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says "you may have one wish"
The boy says
" i want to be batman"

The genie kills his parents.

 

[yeahitsrust]

I know 9 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.

You got me.

 

[sb]

I know 9 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.

you know me so well

 

[shorty doo wop]

Didn't try saying m without using my lips u don't know me bro

 

[thadoctadvocate]

I know 9 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.

I love these

i love u

 

[lil black jean jacket]

Tom and Jim are walking down the street when Tom finds a mirror.

He picks it up, looks at it and says "hey, this guy looks familiar..."

Jim snatches the mirror from him, looks at it and says "you idiot.....that's me!"
----------
A boy walks in on his mom and dad doing the nasty. The parents quickly cover up with sheets and tell him he should knock before coming into their room. Totally shocked and mortified the boy runs from the room crying and screaming. The mom tells the dad go talk to him. The dad gets dressed and goes to his room but he isnt there. Down the hall he hears this whimpering noise in the spare bedroom. The dad opens the door to find his son on top of his Grandmother. The boy says, "Lets see how you like it when someone does that to your mom!"
---------
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get so stressed and little things suddenly just seem so funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started

 

[lil black jean jacket]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

[lil black jean jacket]

I threw my computer in the ocean yesterday. It was A Dell. Now it's Rolling in the Deep . .

 

[lil black jean jacket]

A man tells his wife, "When I die I want you to cremate me and put me in salsa".

The wife asks, "Why?" and he says, "So I can tear that a-- up one more time!"