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- Jan 11, 2009
Today, I had my first emotional breakdown in a year. I started having suicidal thoughts again. I'm so angry and disappointed of myself because I thought I was done with that. I haven't felt like this since like April 2013.
Every single DAY my dad yells at me about my job, or just anything in general. I feel like I'm his punching bag. I NEVER do anything right to him. I'm not a bad kid but he thinks I'm wilding out with no real evidence. Literally he accuses me of doing drugs and stuff OUT OF NOWHERE, because I don't talk to him. I don't voluntarily want to spend time with him because all he does is yell at me. It just brings down my spirit.
He wasn't there to protect me when my ex assaulted me as a teenager. He thought I was overreacting. I was cutting myself when I was 18-19 and told him I was so depressed. He threatened to take me to a mental hospital & told me that because of my cut up arm, I'm unfit for medial school. Instead of getting me help, he thought I was lying. He cared more about the costs of the car instead of the fact that I wasn't hurt when I got into a car accident.
Nowadays I just wish I died in the car accident instead so he won't worry about money, and so his life would be better off without me.
And the worst part is that I'm 22 now and I still feel alone in this ordeal because I don't want to be a burden to those who love me. I know people got my back, but still. I don't want so seem like a whiny *****.
I can't ******* take this **** anymore!
Seriously, you need to move out. You've been talking about your dad for awhile and it's at the point where you are UNSAFE dealing with that kind of stress. You need to be selfish and think about your needs. Instead of trying to win your dad over, you need to realize the best course of action is to remove and cut out this toxic person from your life. That starts with you moving out of the house and taking away the power he has over you.
He may not respect you for moving but his reaction is not what you should be worried about. No one should be dealing with emotional abuse on a regular basis - definitely not when it leads to suicidal thoughts.
You need to stop being afraid of leaving the "safety" of your parents home and support. Yes, they provide you with food and shelter and maybe money but you aren't safe in that house. You won't be safe around him and his comments until you are truly independent from them. That's really why he's hurting you. Yes, he is your father but the issue is that you are dependent on him. You feel like you need the house, like you need his approval, like you need that support. The truth is you don't. Those are just things. This abuse is putting your life in danger.
Move in with a friend until you can get on your feet (or couch surf if you have more friends in the area to not burden one specific person). If you don't have a job, get one - anything that'll make money. I'm sure you have enough friends around you to help out, especially if you tell them your situation. You shouldn't be living in a toxic environment dude.
If you're unwilling to move out (as mad ppl have suggested in this thread), can you explain why not? Because it sounds like this situation is literally breaking you down. How much worse can it get if you move out and learn to survive on your own?