not gonna go into a big story right now, just need to do a little venting...
I feel like so much less of a man this father's day compared to others. For the last few years I've had a huge business plan I've been working on, not really getting too far though honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm not "that guy" & I should give up but then I realize I have the drive/will/determination & I'm smart enough so why not.
First thing I realized is I need to change my entire lifestyle, I've grown to be a materialistic, kinda self-centered while being completely selfless, hard-working & lazy individual that feels like I can do anything effortlessly & having someone around isn't necessary just a way to make things more enjoyable for myself...
well...no.
I'm working on the materialistic thing, having all the newest shoes/tees/jean washes/etc. doesn't really matter at all especially when I don't wear the stuff right away anyway. Although i'm self-centered working for my own plans, I've always been selfless because that's who I am but I need to put more focus on my plans & goals & how I live...even if that means being a little more selfish with things like my time & effort. I can't be both lazy & working hard at the same time, that's a recipe for disaster for someone who's borderline OCD, I just have to be smarter about what I do & when. I've taken a lot of steps so far to help get myself on track...that's not what this post is about though...
I always wanted my dad around & that dude doesn't live far. I'm a runner & I've run longer distances than miles away he is, I could literally run to him but that's not the point. Without getting into deep detail, I feel like it's almost hopeless trying to reach him sometimes like it doesn't matter & he doesn't even care. Never wanted to have anyone experience that at my expense because I know how that feels...
well...
the last part where I said having someone around isn't necessary, I really did want someone around, my friend really liked me & we got together back in January. Things didn't work...we don't even talk anymore...4 years down the drain because of how things ended & I don't regret how it happened...but I damn sure wish I could go back to that day & keep us friends only.
More importantly though, she had a kid I got close to(not my kid though)...that was my lil dude, I loved that lil dude...I'll probably never see lil man again though because of how things ended.
Today that kinda manifested in my thoughts, I feel like so much less of a man because not only do I not have my dad, I couldn't make a relationship work with my good friend for 4 years to the point we don't talk at all(both of us messed that up, not all on me but I didn't help when things were rocky either), and there's a kid out there that will know what it's like to get to know a man they look up to & care about & just have them disappear.
Basically I've been working hard on myself as of late & making progress, that felt good, today has been a huge setback though & that's all I can think about right now. It hurts. I think I'll be fine because I didn't choose to walk away from his life I was pushed away by his mother, but that's not something he'll know. All he'll know is someone disappeared from his life that he really liked & he won't know why right now if at all, & I'm not selfish enough to not care about that.
That's all.