Helping friends with marriage issues

[a blinkin]

The story is a bit long. You can skip it and just go to the questions if you’re in the tl;dr mood.

Spoiler

In the past four years or so, a few of my potnas have ventured down the aisle. Since then, one’s called it quits and got a divorce. While he was coming to grips with the fact that it wouldn’t work out, he’d hit me up for advice. Bare in mind, I’m not married myself, and my closest friends know I’ve had a string of one failed relationship after another. At the time, he was only about 4 months into the marriage and he seemed to have his mind pretty much made up that he was going to chalk it up. I told him to do what he felt was best, and to be sure whatever decision he made was one he was prepared to live with. Homie got divorced, and said he’d rather chalk it up sooner rather than spending a few years trying to force it to work. Cool.


Fast forward to yesterday, another one of my home boys hits me up saying that he wants to reach out to his ex to get closure from where they left off. Told him it serves no purpose to do so because he’s married now, and rekindling a flame would only bring him unnecessary drama. He uses that as the springboard to delve into the fact that he’s unhappy with his wife, and is sure she’s unhappy with him as well. When he said those things, it reminded me of the previous instance where it seemed like son had his mind made up and was looking for validation. So I reiterated the fact that hitting her up would be purposeless, and told him the same thing I told my other potna (do what you think is best, and be sure that whatever decision you make is one you’re prepared to live with).


Now if I know my homeboy, I’d chance a bet that it’s only a matter of time before he ignores my advice and give shorty a call.

My question to you guys is this:


How do you handle a situation where your married friends ask you for advice, when you yourself have never been married.


To my married NT’ers, do you seek advice or different perspective from your single/dating friends? Do you hold it in high regard when you’re about to make your decisions?

 

[Fozz]

If a married friend asked for my advice and I wasn't married, I would suggest that he speak with someone who is married or a marriage counselor. Being single, you have no experience of what marriage is, why would I proceed to give them advice.

I've been married for three years and any advice/insight that I've looked for has been toward my friends who are married.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

We all give advice on things we have never actually been in the trenches for.

I don't see the issue with giving advice.

Most of the time it all comes down to, "Do unto others......."

That is 90% of most relationship advice. "How would you like it if she........"

Also, you know damn well people have their minds made up and ARE looking for validation//co-signs when asking you, "Aye, what should I do........"

So yea, tell your man to leave that girl alone. No point

 

[stay lurkin]

Man -

Too much to even say.

But most if not all of my married friends who are still married or who have gotten divorced - got married on some BS (to a rebound, on a rebound, mad young, social pressure etc.) and never had the proper expectations to begin with. It also doesn't help they went in with the wildly dangerous 'I'm special and it can't happen to me' attitude. Then when they got what they wanted and the endorphins inevitably stopped firing - whatever it is that they were before and/or didn't address comes back stronger and that is when it really gets weird.

They then start these Hail Mary-esk attempts to fix to their lives hoping that someone misses and assignment on D or gets called for PI so they can get the win or at least another chance but none of that can even happen cause this aint football. So basically they start terrorizing everything in proximity to them. Friends - spouse - job - whatever

Their minds start wondering any which way cause they trying to fix an internal problem externally. And everyone and everything gets caught in the wake. It is a wild thing to witness. And I thought it was just these one-off situations but I have seen these many more times than the latter.

So when I have to have these convos I basically just try to listen as much as I can but when it is my turn to speak I usually say some version of what I just wrote in here.

And they never like it . But they always come around as they realize that I am the only person helping them rather than encouraging & reinforcing their destructive behavior. Its mad backwards out chea

Oh - and your boy won't listen to you. But just be there when he needs you cause he will.

 

[Grine]

I don’t give marriage advice or accept marriage advice...

Personal advice about the person...I’ll give that.

 

[stay lurkin]

I don’t give marriage advice or accept marriage advice...

Personal advice about the person...I’ll give that.

I feel you. I try not to come across self righteous and like I have it all figured out. But it is usually shenanigans of some sort when my married friends are struggling which usually leads to me giving them personal advice

 

[isco]

don't get involved..whatever advice u give..they don't listen..waste of time

 

[a blinkin]

Yeah. I'm trying to stay out of it as best as I can. At the same time, I don't want to leave my mans hanging. But the reality is that I really don't know how to handle a situation like that. Or any marital situation for that matter. The first time it happened I couldn't help but feeling that I played a part, however large or small, in their demise. Even though I tried to keep it vague, it couldn't shake that thought.

 

[slighted]

I think you're well within the range of giving advice.

Dude is obviously looking for a side-girl / way to "fix" his marriage. Bet that he'll hit that girl up and then the sh-- will really hit the fan.

 

[Brownstone]

I have some advice for him, he should get divorced.

 

[a blinkin]

I have some advice for him, he should get divorced.

Elaborate a bit.

 

[dirty]

You should bang his wife. /thread

 

[SC kid]

If the outcome in the end has no effect on you.

You should leave this alone.

But you already know that blinkin.

You are reaching out too far.

Just let that **** play out and live your life

 

[hipstermike]

Married Nter

When people ask me if they should get married I always say no.

If people are asking for advice outside of their marriage, my person opinion, regardless of who they are asking, is they have already failed each other as partners because they couldn't figure things out on their own.

Marriage isn't for everyone.

 

[Fozz]

Elaborate a bit.

More so, he shouldn't have gotten married to begin with. Him making the decision to marry his wife should have been closure from his EX. Why is he so worried about closure from her? All things related to her should have ended the moment he started dating and marrying his wife. And you're right. He's trying to make you sympathize with him so that his actions of wanting to reach out to his ex, is justified and makes him think it's 'okay' to do.

Why isn't he happy with his wife? Has he talked and expressed to her about how unhappy he is in the marriage? Did he assume that he was always going to be in a 'honeymoon' phase? From what you shared, it seems that he's just trying to find a way to get some bed action because he may not be getting as much as he expected to get. Also may be thinking his EX would be easy to get with.

 

[Fozz]

Married Nter

When people ask me if they should get married I always say no.

If people are asking for advice outside of their marriage, my person opinion, regardless of who they are asking, is they have already failed each other as partners because they couldn't figure things out on their own.

Marriage isn't for everyone.

I feel like, if someone has to ask another person for validation that they should get married, then they shouldn't. That decision has to be made for for themselves and together, with their partner.

I, too, agree that marriage is not for everyone and that no one should ever feel pressured to have to propose to their partner because all their friends are getting married.

Marriage is a commitment. Not a fad or hype.

 

[HankHill]

Answering based on not reading the post:

Yes. Give advice. They know you're not married.

 

[dirty]

I just read the story. So I got a different suggestion.








Bang both of your potnas ex wife/ soon to be ex wife./thread

 

[Andrew S. Lam]

You don't have to give them advice as they want you to be there for them. Just love them. That's the best you can do.

 

[Fozz]

I just read the story. So I got a different suggestion.








Bang both of your potnas ex wife/ soon to be ex wife./thread

lol

 

[jmeisreal]

Man -

Too much to even say.

But most if not all of my married friends who are still married or who have gotten divorced - got married on some BS (to a rebound, on a rebound, mad young, social pressure etc.) and never had the proper expectations to begin with. It also doesn't help they went in with the wildly dangerous 'I'm special and it can't happen to me' attitude. Then when they got what they wanted and the endorphins inevitably stopped firing - whatever it is that they were before and/or didn't address comes back stronger and that is when it really gets weird.

They then start these Hail Mary-esk attempts to fix to their lives hoping that someone misses and assignment on D or gets called for PI so they can get the win or at least another chance but none of that can even happen cause this aint football. So basically they start terrorizing everything in proximity to them. Friends - spouse - job - whatever

Their minds start wondering any which way cause they trying to fix an internal problem externally. And everyone and everything gets caught in the wake. It is a wild thing to witness. And I thought it was just these one-off situations but I have seen these many more times than the latter.

So when I have to have these convos I basically just try to listen as much as I can but when it is my turn to speak I usually say some version of what I just wrote in here.

And they never like it . But they always come around as they realize that I am the only person helping them rather than encouraging & reinforcing their destructive behavior. Its mad backwards out chea

Oh - and your boy won't listen to you. But just be there when he needs you cause he will.

Damn this one of the realest descriptions of marriage I’ve ever read/heard. Ish had me chuckling and shaking my head at the same time. That football analogy fam, wow.

 

[wayniac211]

single ones will school u bout Tinder. Married ones will tell you bout the batphone.

 

[kingsrborn]

Stay Lurkin summed it up 100%. Everything he said is the truth if either person isnt ready or prepareed for marriage mentally. I got married young and im now divorced. Ive also witnessed people lose alot of wealth over there marriage. I dont recommend marriage at all until your 45+ in my opinion. I see successful older marriages compared to the younger married couples i know. I think its because we go through so much in our younger years. That were prepared for it better mentally when we get older.

Theres so many mental gymnastics you go through in a marriage when your younger that i would never recommend it to anyone thinking about it. To many ups and downs for my taste. The emotional ups and downs a woman is going to present to you. Is going to have you speechless while scratching your head. Some cats can and like dealing with the challenge. I call it the Joe Budden syndrome. Back and forth to prove a point. Who's right or wrong. Im good on that.

 

[htg designs]

Where do I start....

Marraiges fail because ppl have unrealistic expectations and fraudulent concepts of marriage. Society makes it a benchmark and spectacle propagating an unhealthily perspective.

This is why I would only seek marraige advise from those whom I know well enough to percieve have a strong marraige bond. It's like getting financial advise from someone who is wealthier than you are. You won't ask that advise from someone who struggles with money. The same logic applies to this situation.

 

[kingsrborn]

I saw someone post this on a different site. I thought it was funny but true at the same time. Im not saying its 100% fact. But its defenately some truth to it in my opinion.


It is females nature to betray you. Observe female Animals in nature. Female Birds **** there mates all of the time. Female Apes mates with the alpha until hes defeated. Lionesse will have sex with a lion that beats there mate as she watches her new companion eat there children.

Males and females are the opposites of each other. Observe female sexuality. Understand that while men are attracted to beauty. Women are sexually attracted to power. Beauty is subjective while power is never subjective. To attract a woman a man has to demonstrate that he more powerful than other men. He must have an appearance that is more convenient to power in a given culture (Good looks). And/or he must own more symbols of power compared to other men (Money). And/or he must be socially powerful (popular). And/or he must have a powerful physique.

Its all about power with women. The notions of romantic love are projections of the masculine understanding of attraction. When a man says "i love you" to a woman. He means "ill give my life for you". When a woman says "i love you " to a man. She means "Youve impressed me". Understand: One who loves power can never love the holder of it. Women do not love men. They view and appreciate men as objects whose sole purpose is to generate security for their social positions,just like a handbag or an expensive pair of shoes. Modern technology only solidifies the truth. Observe social media.

Its nature. Women dont love men. The sooner a male realizes this. The sooner and easier it will be for him to self actualize. The truth is rarely pleasant.