My brother has lost his confidence and work ethic

[AgentZero]

My mom has been telling me for months that my dad helped to talk my brother out of playing AAU basketball by playing on the fact that my brother hates spending/having my parents spend money, so that my dad would have more free time on the weekends instead of driving him to and from games. Money isn't even an issue in my household either so I don't know why he's so concerned about it.

My brother's decision not to play AAU was sort of a big one considering that AAU would be his chance to get significant playing time and his confidence back up. Last year as a sophomore he made his school's varsity team and although he didn't play a minute he practiced and suited up with the team and was a starter on JV. He took it and the fact that apparently the head coach for varsity "didn't like his game" (meaning his style of play, not skill) pretty hard. The varsity coach has been known to really be a stickler and I know of several players who quit the team.

This year he probably would have at least seen some action on varsity. Come senior year he had a chance to be a starter or at least a key bench player. The question had always been if my brother was going to quit or not this upcoming season and it seemed like he was leaning towards just playing rec league with his friends. Now apparently he's even giving that up and settling on just coaching rec league this winter season with his friends, and his friends are even planning on playing in the same season. He's now big on lifting and he says giving basketball up will give him more time to do that and to study for school. I'm kind of against him being so focused on it because he lifts so often that it hurt his jump shot (something he always was good at) in summer rec league, because he wanted to get a lift in before his game.

My brother has always done well in school and is currently taking a few AP classes. He's not failing classes or anything but his grades have slipped a little bit. My mom tells me that he isn't going in for help before and afterschool which are things she made me do when I was struggling. I went to a tutor for a class when I was in high school and he puts up a fight about going to a tutor since it's wasting money. 

 She also tells me that he's not taking advantage of easy credit opportunities and doesn't study as much as he should be studying, despite him saying quitting basketball would give him more time to. 

Apparently on Friday he had my mom pick him up from school since he was "feeling sick" and claimed he already had taken his test. She then let him hang out with friends and go the football game that night. Later, my mom got an email from his teacher about retake days since he didn't take the test and she was furious. When he finally came home after constantly pushing his curfew back my mom exploded on him and my brother called himself stupid and told her that she pressured him into taking so many difficult classes. I know he still has a year and a half till he's college bound, but his lazy attitude toward school will definitely come back to bite him in the long run.

It really disappoints me because he has several opportunities that I never had and he's just giving up on them. He was the one who got me into basketball and had always been a better math student than I was. I got into the sport too late and was the last cut when I tried out in high school and for math I never took an AP Calculus course like he currently is. I had to work hard in both of those areas so it bugs me that he's not putting in the effort when he already has natural ability. I don't want to sound too hard on him since he's a good kid, but he's just extremely lazy is all. I know it's nothing too serious but it's sad to see that he's lost confidence in things he excels in. 

Since I'm in college right now I don't get the opportunity to talk with him one on one as much. My mom always tells me when I'm home to help him study and to tell him the importance of trying hard. She also wants me to try and find out what's up with him and why he's being this way. What do I say to him that he hasn't already heard from my parents before? How do I even casually approach the topic? Have you guys ever felt the same way about any of your siblings? Just wanted to hear some thoughts and advice on the situation.

 

[jayhood23]

Can't force the guy to do things he doesn't want to do or feel like doing.

He's young and has the mentality of wanting do it his way and find out the hard way. Only way he'll pick himself up is if he falls. Y'all can't do it for him.

 

[wr]

First world problems

 

[AgentZero]

Can't force the guy to do things he doesn't want to do or feel like doing.

He's young and has the mentality of wanting do it his way and find out the hard way. Only way he'll pick himself up is if he falls. Y'all can't do it for him.

He had always been big on basketball ever since he was younger so it's weird that he doesn't want to do it anymore. You're right though, he'll only learn if he falls.

First world problems

 Just something I've been thinking about.

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Don't be an enabler....it only makes the fall he will take that much harder to bounce back from.


Tough love.

 

[pacers31]

He's still young, he won't understand or take in anything you tell him until he has to start dealing with the consequences of his actions. A good friend of mine is super intelligent, got a 1540 on his SATs, wanted to go to med school but always skipped class in college and never put forth any effort. He ended up dropping out after his sophomore year and now he's working at Starbucks.

I was the same way (still am kinda), I've been told I was smart my entire life and never tried in school. High school was a joke, I was ranked at the top of my class and I was high or barred out half of the time. Once I got to college **** hit the fan and I had to withdraw for a semester during my sophomore year because I was failing multiple classes. While I was out of school that semester, I got depressed, felt like a failure, blah blah blah. After that happened, I got it together and started working harder and now I'm about to graduate with a Mechanical Engineering degree next spring if everything goes as planned. Anyways, the point of me telling my story is to reiterate the point that he probably won't change until he has to deal with the consequences of being lazy. The best way to get through to people is by RELATING to them. Talk to them like you were in their shoes before. That way it seems like you're offering them advice instead of lecturing them. Also don't approach him by telling him your mom told you to, ask him about it like YOU are concerned about him because you're his brother. But like I said, and the other dude said, there's not much you can do for him. He just has to grow up and learn the hard way.

 

[currensy]

Damn, you just described myself. :\ Only "advice" I could say is, if he wants it he'll get it.

 

[Naruto]

young people are constantly becoming stronger mentally. If he can dig deep and still find his passion, he will do all he can. You can force him to physically do something, but his heart wont be there. Do let him know about t he opportunities he has. Tell him to watch some eric thomas

 

[asianplayer]

Not really surprised by the basketball thing. Heard plenty of stories back when I was in school about people not getting along with the coach and just decided to not play. School wise, he seems fine if he is taking AP classes and its okay if he doesn't want to take all AP classes even if he is capable of doing it. Yeah, it helps in the long run, cause if you pass the AP exam at the end of the year, you may be able to save money in college, but no point if he is miserable.

Best thing would be to just listen to him and see whats he wants and then give some advice since you already went through high school.

 

[wr]

He had always been big on basketball ever since he was younger so it's weird that he doesn't want to do it anymore. You're right though, he'll only learn if he falls.

 Just something I've been thinking about.

He honestly doesn't have your perspective on the situation to see how he's hurting himself. He's young and now is the time for him to find out what he like by experiencing different things while he can. You should bring him out to college with you for a weekend or something. That'll get him out of that high school complacency mode once he sees the college yambs and campus life.

 

[AgentZero]

 

Great post. It's the effort thing that really gets me. Like you said, you can easily get by in high school with little effort by relying on your intelligence. In college I know it will be different for him since my freshman year was subpar and my first round of tests this year didn't go well at all. I got serious about studying and working hard out of necessity and made drastic improvements. If I didn't improve I very well could be looking at possibly taking a summer semester or switching my major. I still have to keep it up though. I'm glad you shared those stories and it's good to hear that you were able to turn things around. Unlike my parents I can relate to him pretty well so that should help things.

 

Yeah since he's still in high school he does have that flexibility with his schedule on a year to year basis so next year he can lighten his load a little. We attended the same school and took a majority of the same classes which makes it easier for me to relate with him and talk with him about it.

 

You're right, he's still young and doesn't have the experience that I do. He has been down here twice but each time it was with my parents since it was for family weekend so he didn't get that real college experience. 

 That's a good idea though, I can try and work things out where he comes down for a weekend on his own.

 

[buggz05]

Doesn't sound like laziness to me it sounds like difficulties. You need to reach out and try to figure out the problem with him. He is having multiple problems in different areas, so somethings not cooking right.

It's not worth trying to convince a coach that you deserve a shot and their mind is deadset. Been there. It took me til my Senior year to finally look for a different direction. He may be realizing this and confused on what to do next. I was confused for a couple years after HS.

 

[am1x90xnike]

Didn't read it all.


From what I did read, your brother needs to man up; work harder for his goal.

 

[createdestroy]

Ask illest... seems like a life story he can relate to

 

[AgentZero]

 

I think he is learning and is a little lost right now as you described since those areas had been constants for him.

Ask illest... seems like a life story he can relate to

Nah totally different, illest had an Accord and my brother has a Camry 

 

[lord disick]

I was in a similar situation as far as the basketball things goes. I see the whole situation more clear now cause its been years and I use to think about it everyday. I gave up playing JV in the 9th grade to go to varsity and be a 6th man to a coach that didn't like my style and was on me every damn game and practice. My pops was there for me from the jump...3rd grade and up..  took me to camps, AAU, tournements etc. Took me out of public school to give me a better oppritunity to get noticed. But when i stopped getting playing time it affected my game..which lead to him losing interest and not coming to practices and games..which lead me to losing confidence and motivation. Not playing ball of course isn't the end of the world....but as a young'n..that was my motivation and drive cause i loved playing so much. Going through all that made me lose interest in a lot of things and i just wasn't as happy. Hit up the court with ya bro and start the convo there...sounds like your dad may even need a talk.

 

[Top Boy]

Wood answer, need cliffs.

 

[yeah]

Wood answer, need cliffs.

- OP's brother is a naturally talented athlete, and was at the cusp of becoming a role player during his Junior year of HS but decided to fall back because his coach didn't like his on court style.

- He's also a pretty gifted student, but has let his grades slip as he quit basketball (usually it works the other way) and OP is mad because he is seeing his brother pass up on opportunities that he never had.

- OP wants to know what he can do/say to get his brother motivated again.


It sounds to me like those AP classes were pushed onto your brother by your parents, even though he really didn't want to take them. Those AP classes, coupled with basketball, was just too much which forced him to quit basketball in order to focus on his academics. But, now that he is missing the one thing that he was passionate about (and it seems like a lot of his social activity stemmed from basketball,) he probably has a void in his life that he can only partially fill by coaching with his friends.

I would just talk to him, brother to brother, to see what's up. He's probably at that stage where he's realizing that he won't make it to a major basketball school, and doesn't want to accept the fact that his main focus will strictly be academics for the next 4-5 years. Coupled with him missing out on the thing he loves, it can be tough to function. Talk to him, give him time, and he'll figure it out.

 

[slicknick951]

Read your whole post but i havent started reading comments yet. Sounds to me like he is doing drugs and doesnt care about the same things anymore (Basketball, School, what your parents think)

Also i would have a serious conversation with your parents about money seems like you don't know the whole story. They might not be struggling but things are tighter than they used to be. It happens but just talk it out he knows because he is at the house while you are off at school.

 

[mackmittenzz]

First world problems

My brother passed away at 26 in may. I really can't see the struggle that your talking about. I think your brother sounds like a good kid. I think it could be a phase he's going through, and when u speak to him you will understand what's going on. And if he doesn't have the same drive as you , you can't pressure him. We all live life and eventually find there niche? (Dunno if I spelled that right) at different times of our lives.

 

[AgentZero]

 

That does sound like a very similar situation. I guess like you, losing his primary motivation in basketball caused him to be less interested in other areas. I suspect that my dad played a key role in him not playing AAU because I once played travel soccer and my dad tried to talk me out of that after a year. The reason I chose to quit wasn't really because of what he said but because I was unhappy with my playing time since I was stuck behind the coach's son who wasn't even fit to play any sports. I swore for years that my dad "brainwashes" my brother and only now is my mom starting to believe me.

 

I appreciate the cliffs for readers. 

I'd say that one, maybe two of the classes were pushed onto him by my parents. Honestly a lot of them were "next in line" for him this year and so he's sort of making excuses. Personally when I didn't make the team I still played in a rec league and got my confidence and love for the sport renewed since I was one of the better players there. I would think it would be the same way for him since he played really well in summer ball and looked like he was having fun out there. He has the opportunity to get his playing time and to be with his friends, but he's settling for coaching which doesn't make sense to me.

That's a good take on the situation and that could be what is troubling him. Maybe he has a bad taste in his mouth from his lack of playing time and is distancing himself from playing the sport altogether.

 

[AgentZero]

 

Sorry to hear about your brother. Like I said it's not an end of the world kind of thing but just something I've been thinking about as my mom constantly relays all of this to me. You're right about the niche part, I guess without ball he feels sort of lost.

 

I doubt he's on drugs since he's told me in the past that they don't interest him and because he has a good group of friends. His actions would reflect someone on drugs though.

He could very well know more than I do on the situation, that's an interesting take. Like with drugs I don't think that it's actually the case. My parents have the same financial plans/goals for my brother and I and are doing well in their jobs. The reason I think he's so concerned about money is because he constantly hears my dad talk about how much money my mom wastes on buying extra groceries, etc, just because he's really uptight. He really does influence my brother a lot and it's not for the better.

 

[Deleted member 87369]

Average grades in AP classes = high grades in regular classes. I don't see how he's unmotivated just because he started lifting instead of playing ball. Let that boy cook

 

[dankenstien88]

Doesn't sound like laziness to me it sounds like difficulties. You need to reach out and try to figure out the problem with him. He is having multiple problems in different areas, so somethings not cooking right.

This.

Sounds like OPs brother could be dealing with depression.

 

[Top Boy]

Clutch with the cliffs. Kinda weird how OP's brother is actually extremely similar to mines.

OP, I think the best thing you can do is just be there to support him when he needs it. Me and my brother have a very close relationship and during the years he spent depressed nothing I said or did changed it for very long.

It wasn't until my brother became a father did the depression sort of go away, as he now understands he has more then just himself to live and care for. It was an unplanned pregnancy, and the chick was actually suppose to abort it, but threw him a curveball at the last second.

Now my brother is moving up within his company, and hoping to go back to school to get a job in IT.. Im younger by 5 years, so it's always weird when im giving dude advice about everything like im the older brother.

Just let him know if he ever needs anything you're only a call away, and its not a problem. I've answered his calls at anytime of the day, regardless where I was at and would drop everything at a moments notice to help him out, cause he's my brother, I love him (pause), and it's worth it. Pretty sure you feel the same about yours.