Official NT dad thread: can the dads get love

My son had speech problems. Very late to talk even in elementary school. His cognitive skills weren't on point either. Now's he's 15, accepted into the #1 art and math school in the state, honor roll student, still makes mistakes like any other kid, super aware of himself and just a great kid overall.

From my experience with his speech issues my advice would be to be patient. Not everyone is everyone if you get what I'm saying. Society will make you think your kid has issues when in reality they're more advanced in other areas you're not paying attention to. Don't ever make them feel like there's something wrong with themselves or they're not good enough. Don't look for their shortcomings but look for their potentials. And if you can't find any potential, then you're just not up to speed 😉
 
Nereyda Vuelve Por Dios said:
Cvd did a number on my youngest. She was 6 months and in daycare when it hit. Regressed socially and with food. She only plays by herself but is starting to play with my oldest (4). Which is a good sign.

Food is still a hassle. She wont deviate at all from her current menu and the terrible twos are showing its ugly face.

she is very curious and loves books. Her vocab has jumped immensely in like the last month. She can say a bunch of words. Some very clearly.
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glad things are turning around for her. Do you guys read to her a lot?


riverdale road said:
solewoman solewoman in Atl school ends in May. They pretty much get exactly 2 months out for summer vacation. They have a week long break every 9 weeks or so. So yeah haha
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Yeah that’s what my bf said who lives out there. She sent me pics of my godkids going to school I was like wth. But apparently there’s a lot of fall and winter breaks or something unnecessary
 
My sons 4. Just turned a month or so ago. He likes to watch chess with me and play with action figures, planes, tranes and dinos but he has ZERO desire to learn. Its so frustrating. His sister (who hes a good deal smarter than naturally) was writing and trying to read stuff and reciting her numbers at his age.... this lil joker gotta have adhd like me. He can read things he sees all the time but jus wont try when we sit down to teach him. 😑
 
riverdale road said:
solewoman solewoman Haha, so they get a week out for fall break like oct, then dec 2 weeks for winter then another week in feb & then spring break. They have hella days off lol
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All that time parents have to take off…
jewseejay said:
My sons 4. Just turned a month or so ago. He likes to watch chess with me and play with action figures, planes, tranes and dinos but he has ZERO desire to learn. Its so frustrating. His sister (who hes a good deal smarter than naturally) was writing and trying to read stuff and reciting her numbers at his age.... this lil joker gotta have adhd like me. He can read things he sees all the time but jus wont try when we sit down to teach him. 😑
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He’s probably lowkey a whiz…adhd but will sit and watch chess?! At 4?! Bro on another level
 
jewseejay said:
My sons 4. Just turned a month or so ago. He likes to watch chess with me and play with action figures, planes, tranes and dinos but he has ZERO desire to learn. Its so frustrating. His sister (who hes a good deal smarter than naturally) was writing and trying to read stuff and reciting her numbers at his age.... this lil joker gotta have adhd like me. He can read things he sees all the time but jus wont try when we sit down to teach him. 😑
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my 4 yr old is lazy when it comes to homework. She gets 3-4 pages every friday for her to complete (we also have school-related books we do with her) Stuff she breezes through but i have to scold her and/or threaten play time.

It's frustrating but really ridiculous to get mad at when you think about it. Of course shes smart enough to do it. But its boring and not engaging enough.
 
So my 2.5 year old son is a french-fry connoisseur.

He'd be a walking potato by now lol.
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Nereyda Vuelve Por Dios said:
my 4 yr old is lazy when it comes to homework. She gets 3-4 pages every friday for her to complete (we also have school-related books we do with her) Stuff she breezes through but i have to scold her and/or threaten play time.

It's frustrating but really ridiculous to get mad at when you think about it. Of course shes smart enough to do it. But its boring and not engaging enough.
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I have to work on this. My son acts too and get so ****ing mad. One day he mic dropped his pencil and I took that personal lol
 
Nereyda Vuelve Por Dios said:
my 4 yr old is lazy when it comes to homework. She gets 3-4 pages every friday for her to complete (we also have school-related books we do with her) Stuff she breezes through but i have to scold her and/or threaten play time.

It's frustrating but really ridiculous to get mad at when you think about it. Of course shes smart enough to do it. But its boring and not engaging enough.
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Are you OK if I comment on this? Or were you just mentioning it to vent? Either is fine. Just didn't want to respond if that's not what you were looking for. 🤙

-foe
 
Nereyda Vuelve Por Dios said:
Let the hammer ring. Any advice or constructive criticism, im all for it.
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I've got a 13-year-old that I've raised damn near myself, so I can definitely relate to what you've said. It's frustrating because you know they CAN, like you know they have the intelligence, but it's like "JUST DOOO ITTT!!!!"

OK, so let's look at the beginning and the end of what you said. "My 4 year old is lazy" and "It's boring and not engaging enough." The way you ended is far more accurate than the beginning. Try to rewire your approach with this AWAY from 'She's lazy' and more towards "It's boring and not engaging." Might not seem like a big deal, but it takes the onus away from her being a problem, to her having a problem.

With kids, ESPECIALLY toddlers, it's honestly very rarely that they are the problem. It's far more frequent that they are having a problem, so then it's up to us to figure out what the solution is. That brings me to my next point:

Did you know that our minds are wired to respond better to what we did well and less on what we struggled with? Say you needed her to clean her room better when you ask for the next week. I'm'a set something up for you. So tomorrow, you ask her to clean her room, and she does nothing. Sits there. So at this point, the goal isn't to threaten something to get her going; the goal is still that she clean her room, so let's stay focused on that. When my son was that age, if I asked him to do something and he did nothing, kept doing what he was doing, I would tell him "It looks like you love that a little too much, like it's hard for you to pull away from it if I ask you something. That tells me that maybe we need to take that away for a little bit, maybe a week or so? Orrrr... when I ask you to clean your room, quit that and get started." That might sound like a punishment, but it's a consequence, and a reminder that consequences can happen if you're not going to get with it.

Now the next part is crucial. Say you remind her that you said to clean her room and she didn't at first but now she's in her room, getting started. As soon as you see that, make a HUGE deal of it. "Stacking all your books up? Nice!! Thank you!!!" Pick her up, give her a kiss. That positive reinforcement is FAR more meaningful in her mind than ANY threat. A threat can just result in a different form of non-compliance. Positive reinforcement means "This thing that I just did effectively went well. I should do this again."

So with schoolwork, get her started yourself, then walk away and let her do it herself for a small amount of time, maybe a minute. When you check in again and she's still doing it, make a big deal of it. "Look at you knocking that out! I swear you're so smart. This is no problem. Keep at it and let's _______________ (insert something she likes doing with you) as SOON as you get done."

-foe
 
darthska said:
I've got a 13-year-old that I've raised damn near myself, so I can definitely relate to what you've said. It's frustrating because you know they CAN, like you know they have the intelligence, but it's like "JUST DOOO ITTT!!!!"

OK, so let's look at the beginning and the end of what you said. "My 4 year old is lazy" and "It's boring and not engaging enough." The way you ended is far more accurate than the beginning. Try to rewire your approach with this AWAY from 'She's lazy' and more towards "It's boring and not engaging." Might not seem like a big deal, but it takes the onus away from her being a problem, to her having a problem.

With kids, ESPECIALLY toddlers, it's honestly very rarely that they are the problem. It's far more frequent that they are having a problem, so then it's up to us to figure out what the solution is. That brings me to my next point:

Did you know that our minds are wired to respond better to what we did well and less on what we struggled with? Say you needed her to clean her room better when you ask for the next week. I'm'a set something up for you. So tomorrow, you ask her to clean her room, and she does nothing. Sits there. So at this point, the goal isn't to threaten something to get her going; the goal is still that she clean her room, so let's stay focused on that. When my son was that age, if I asked him to do something and he did nothing, kept doing what he was doing, I would tell him "It looks like you love that a little too much, like it's hard for you to pull away from it if I ask you something. That tells me that maybe we need to take that away for a little bit, maybe a week or so? Orrrr... when I ask you to clean your room, quit that and get started." That might sound like a punishment, but it's a consequence, and a reminder that consequences can happen if you're not going to get with it.

Now the next part is crucial. Say you remind her that you said to clean her room and she didn't at first but now she's in her room, getting started. As soon as you see that, make a HUGE deal of it. "Stacking all your books up? Nice!! Thank you!!!" Pick her up, give her a kiss. That positive reinforcement is FAR more meaningful in her mind than ANY threat. A threat can just result in a different form of non-compliance. Positive reinforcement means "This thing that I just did effectively went well. I should do this again."

So with schoolwork, get her started yourself, then walk away and let her do it herself for a small amount of time, maybe a minute. When you check in again and she's still doing it, make a big deal of it. "Look at you knocking that out! I swear you're so smart. This is no problem. Keep at it and let's _______________ (insert something she likes doing with you) as SOON as you get done."

-foe
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What you wrote is spot on. All of those things have occurred when i big up her accomplishments and taken things away in order for her to realize she has responsibilities.

My issue now is making her interested in schoolwork.
 
Nereyda Vuelve Por Dios said:
My issue now is making her interested in schoolwork.
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I hate going to work. I love my job, but I hate going to work.

I love my paycheck, though. There's something else other than work that makes me go to work.

That's why I mentioned earlier to big her up, and also throw in "As soon as you knock that out, let's _______________ (insert something she likes doing with you) as SOON as you get done."

She's not going to be like, "Man I sure do wish I had more schoolwork! I just love this so much!" I mean, some kids, yeah, but I would still argue that there's something ELSE motivating them, not the actual schoolwork, just like our paycheck motivates us, not the actual 'love' of getting up and going to work.

-foe
 
darthska said:
I hate going to work. I love my job, but I hate going to work.

I love my paycheck, though. There's something else other than work that makes me go to work.

That's why I mentioned earlier to big her up, and also throw in "As soon as you knock that out, let's _______________ (insert something she likes doing with you) as SOON as you get done."

She's not going to be like, "Man I sure do wish I had more schoolwork! I just love this so much!" I mean, some kids, yeah, but I would still argue that there's something ELSE motivating them, not the actual schoolwork, just like our paycheck motivates us, not the actual 'love' of getting up and going to work.

-foe
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the thing is we are of the mind state that she cant think every basic deed asked of her deserves an award or a “good job” but then we realize that she just 4 and her confidence needs constant reaffirmation.
Work in progress this whole parenting thing.
 
Nereyda Vuelve Por Dios said:
the thing is we are of the mind state that she cant think every basic deed asked of her deserves an award or a “good job” but then we realize that she just 4 and her confidence needs constant reaffirmation.
Work in progress this whole parenting thing.
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I promise you, my friend, that was me when my son was that age. In fact when he was learning to walk, his mom tried to get me to be like "Oh, look at you, taking big steps! Do you like walking like a big boy?" I was definitely like "It's... walking. One of the most basic things that we could expect from him. I can't imagine complimenting a basic human function."

I was wrong. If I could redo my entire mindset right there, I would. Well, I am, except he's almost 14.

-foe
 
darthska said:
I promise you, my friend, that was me when my son was that age. In fact when he was learning to walk, his mom tried to get me to be like "Oh, look at you, taking big steps! Do you like walking like a big boy?" I was definitely like "It's... walking. One of the most basic things that we could expect from him. I can't imagine complimenting a basic human function."

I was wrong. If I could redo my entire mindset right there, I would. Well, I am, except he's almost 14.

-foe
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Spot on!!
Gotta think of it as building their confidence for their future selves that they will carry through every aspect of their lives. Bigging them up is future work confidence, social confidence, relationship confidence, decision making confidence, emotional confidence...
 
ABA works when I’m at work but once I’m at home I throw all that out the window and follow my moms teachings. “I brought you into this world and I’ll take you out” 😂

His mom be having chest puffing matches with him at night. She want to bother him when he’s watching Disney plus before bed and he’s asking her to leave his room and she be getting heated lol.

ive since started hw and walked away. If I’m sitting next to him he cries if he got something wrong so I’ll just correct it after he’s done with it and cheer him on for doing it at all.
 
Ya that balance between wanting to cheer them on for doing things but also not making it seem you need to be rewarded for doing things. My daughter tried pulling the “if I go wash my hands I can get a cookie for it” I told her no she needed to wash her hands because they were dirty. She’s pretty slick too with using that especially on her grandparents.
 
I would REALLY appreciate the NT Dads input in this situation.
My daughter just turned 13.
Since she turned 13 she hasn’t been wanting to come over on the weekends (Friday-Sunday court ordered)
Today I went to go pick her up and she didn’t even open the door. I called her mom and her mom said “what do you want me to do if she doesn’t want to go”
It broke my heart. Left back home crying.
I been thinking about it all day.
I sent them a message tonight saying
“If you want me out of the picture then please let me know” I told them I’d be out of the picture for the month of August. To not call me or hit me up or anything. That I hope that will make them appreciate me more.
But I honestly don’t know if that was the right move or not. I feel so hurt and lost.
 
bendover said:
If you want me out of the picture then please let me know
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I don't know your personality or anything about you, and I don't know your baby momma's personality or anything about her, but I will say this:

After splitting, moms want one of 2 things from their baby daddy:
- Consistently stay in the picture/ step up.
- Money.

There are a ton of moms who go the easy route and accept child support, but in my observation, most moms would rather have a strong baby daddy who will step up and remain in the kids life on a consistent basis, someone who will constantly show that they have that kid wrapped around their finger even when they're away in August for a few weeks or whatever.

Go as far away from the approach 'If you want me out of the picture then please let me know' and RUN towards the approach "I'm here, as much as I can, and I will constantly try to work my **** out so I can be here more."

-foe
 
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