Cubicle Life : VOL: OFFICE SPACE (DRAMA, BEEF, STORIES, TALES, et. al) - Share your work life

[futuremd]

This thread is going to get people fired.

That being said...play on NT. 

 

[elpablo21]

Taken from the Nothing threadMy story for the day

Being a dark skin brotha. I take pride in my skin tone.

My co-worker next to me always has a stash of chocolate so alot of people in the building always go to her for a fix. My female supervisor stop by to get some and she stated emphatically her affection for dark chocolate. "The darker the better" she said...as she passed by my office I looked back at her...and said

Spoiler: Warning%3A%20Spoiler!

Ok, Im lying..I actually hit her with the...

Also my other bosses' office is basically a 7-11. He has so many damn snacks and food in there. I spend more time there than my own office

 

[mojodmonky1]

i work for a small company (only 8-9 of us in the office, 4 others who work remotely from satellite offices) so fortunately/unfortunately i dont get to deal with as many different people/personalities as those in a big corporate environment do.

my schedule is pretty set. posted office hours are 8a-5p. I cant remember the last time I came in at 8a. I usually take my sweet *** time, and get in anywhere between 8:10-9:00. Unless I have a ton of work to do, I'm still leaving at 5:00p on the dot, even if I came in at 9, took a 2 hour lunch with 6 beers, whatever. The majority of my business is with people on the east coast though so stuff really slows down around 2p. Overall pretty easy gig.

After slumming it in a cubicle for the first 4 years or so, I finally got my own office. What a godsend. The cubicle was the worst cause my managing partner's office opened up directly into my cubicle so he could always see what I was doing as long as he had his office door open. Now, my office is the furthest one away from the big boss. feelsgoodman. not that it really matters. big boss is hardly in the office, and even when he is, he pretty much leaves me and my buddy alone unless we are beefing with another dept (i work in a 3 person dept, me, buddy, and our assistant). I've had my own office now for going on 4 years, and its great. Have I fapped at my desk? Have I put in "work" on the conference room table? You bet. To be honest, the major motivating factor for doing both was just to be cliche and say that I have.

Dual monitors was the biggest gamechanger for me in terms of workplace unproductivity. Love it.

I'd post my best workplace story but I dont have time to type of 2 pages. Ive posted it on NT before. It involves a business conference in New Orleans, me and my coworkers on Bourbon St, a strip club, and $13K on the company amex without authorization. Good times.

 

[yeold360s]

I received this email 2 days ago and thought it was funny cause it's really like 3 people this was aimed at.

RE: Notice regarding blankets/snuggies in the workplace

Hey everyone,

This message is being sent to all of you regarding the wearing of blankets, robes and/or snuggies in the workplace.......unfortunately, it is best that we refrain from using these types of blankets at our desks and in the offices as a general rule. Our supervisors has requested this, so we must adhere to their wishes. Yes, at times our fishbowl can get cold and a bit nippy and the need for a blanket, robe or snuggie would definitely serve the purpose of keeping you warm; however, we suggest that you wear a sweater or jacket instead. Wearing blankets while we sit at our desks or walking around the offices with your robe or snuggie on does not convey a professional workplace image, so let's be mindful of this moving forward.

Any questions, please feel free to ask your supervisor or manager.

Thank you,

 Whoever composed that email should be shot. Rife with mistakes.

 

[grandtheftbike]

I hate my boss. He always reminded me of someone but I couldn't figure out who. Needless to say, I was watching dragonball z when it came to me. This dude looks exactly like majin buu

 

[ghenges]

Women going through menopause with the ACs on full blast.

Damn, I never made this connection. It makes sense now. I remember a few years ago it'd be 95+ outside and I'd be sipping hot coffee at 2pm trying to stay warm. It was ridiculous.

 

[nazdrowie]

ive slept in my cubicle coming back from a late night of drinking. i dont live near my office and went out in the city (DC) after work. I went back to pick up my bag at like 2:30 am (office is right off the metro and parked near the area) but said f it and just laid down. woke up like 5 hours later with the bright *** sun shining on me.  

no building security guards and 24 access ftw!

 

[locpy]

There is this Vietnamese guy that consistently smacks his mouse and burps out loud with no regard when he eats lunch at his desk.
His accent is real thick that it just becomes unpleasant to hear and sometimes he comes off as a complete jerk on the phone when he talks to his co workers.
It also doesn't help that every time I give him the friendly nod saying Hi, he gives me the stone face or cold shoulder.
I'm asian too BTW.

I have this one Asian dude next to my cube who keeps peering over when I am trying to enjoy my lunch. This guy has the nerve to eavesdrop on my conversations when I am talking to my beloved wife. Also, he must have a broken neck, because he keeps twitching it when he walks by me.

Spoiler

haha, what's up man... knew this story sounded too familiar! (we're co-workers)

 

[coldcity]

i work for a small company (only 8-9 of us in the office, 4 others who work remotely from satellite offices) so fortunately/unfortunately i dont get to deal with as many different people/personalities as those in a big corporate environment do.

my schedule is pretty set. posted office hours are 8a-5p. I cant remember the last time I came in at 8a. I usually take my sweet *** time, and get in anywhere between 8:10-9:00. Unless I have a ton of work to do, I'm still leaving at 5:00p on the dot, even if I came in at 9, took a 2 hour lunch with 6 beers, whatever. The majority of my business is with people on the east coast though so stuff really slows down around 2p. Overall pretty easy gig.

After slumming it in a cubicle for the first 4 years or so, I finally got my own office. What a godsend. The cubicle was the worst cause my managing partner's office opened up directly into my cubicle so he could always see what I was doing as long as he had his office door open. Now, my office is the furthest one away from the big boss. feelsgoodman. not that it really matters. big boss is hardly in the office, and even when he is, he pretty much leaves me and my buddy alone unless we are beefing with another dept (i work in a 3 person dept, me, buddy, and our assistant). I've had my own office now for going on 4 years, and its great. Have I fapped at my desk? Have I put in "work" on the conference room table? You bet. To be honest, the major motivating factor for doing both was just to be cliche and say that I have.

Dual monitors was the biggest gamechanger for me in terms of workplace unproductivity. Love it.

I'd post my best workplace story but I dont have time to type of 2 pages. Ive posted it on NT before. It involves a business conference in New Orleans, me and my coworkers on Bourbon St, a strip club, and $13K on the company amex without authorization. Good times.

i remember that story.... its a good one..... what thread was then in ...need to find it

There is this Vietnamese guy that consistently smacks his mouse and burps out loud with no regard when he eats lunch at his desk.
His accent is real thick that it just becomes unpleasant to hear and sometimes he comes off as a complete jerk on the phone when he talks to his co workers.
It also doesn't help that every time I give him the friendly nod saying Hi, he gives me the stone face or cold shoulder.
I'm asian too BTW.

I have this one Asian dude next to my cube who keeps peering over when I am trying to enjoy my lunch. This guy has the nerve to eavesdrop on my conversations when I am talking to my beloved wife. Also, he must have a broken neck, because he keeps twitching it when he walks by me.

Spoiler

haha, what's up man... knew this story sounded too familiar! (we're co-workers)

 

[mojodmonky1]

ive slept in my cubicle coming back from a late night of drinking. i dont live near my office and went out in the city (DC) after work. I went back to pick up my bag at like 2:30 am (office is right off the metro and parked near the area) but said f it and just laid down. woke up like 5 hours later with the bright *** sun shining on me.  

no building security guards and 24 access ftw!

hahahahaha, my building has 24 hour security guard and the elevators get locked off after 6pm, but security dont care as long as you somewhat have a reason to get there.

one time me and my buddy had some stupid networking event down in orange county (we are in LA). As networking events typically go, its usually just a butcha people from your industry who get together and get s-faced. this was no different. my buddy was piss drunk. I had driven down to OC (dont drink and drive kids, im a bad example) so afterwards I dropped my buddy back off at the office since his car was there. I get to work the next morning, my boy is wearin the same shirt and slacks he had worn the day before and he looks haggard as hell. I go into the bathroom to take a leak, and its a friggin warzone. Smells like puke. I look in one of the stalls, and its destroyed. Barf EVERYWHERE. Toilet, floor, walls, CEILING. I put 2 and 2 together. My boy musta known he wasnt gonna make it. Somehow he managed to sign in at the security desk, take the elevator up to our floor, annhilate the bathroom, and then pass out on the floor of his office. What a trooper.

 

[beh235]

ive slept in my cubicle coming back from a late night of drinking. i dont live near my office and went out in the city (DC) after work. I went back to pick up my bag at like 2:30 am (office is right off the metro and parked near the area) but said f it and just laid down. woke up like 5 hours later with the bright *** sun shining on me.  

no building security guards and 24 access ftw!

hahahahaha, my building has 24 hour security guard and the elevators get locked off after 6pm, but security dont care as long as you somewhat have a reason to get there.

one time me and my buddy had some stupid networking event down in orange county (we are in LA). As networking events typically go, its usually just a butcha people from your industry who get together and get s-faced. this was no different. my buddy was piss drunk. I had driven down to OC (dont drink and drive kids, im a bad example) so afterwards I dropped my buddy back off at the office since his car was there. I get to work the next morning, my boy is wearin the same shirt and slacks he had worn the day before and he looks haggard as hell. I go into the bathroom to take a leak, and its a friggin warzone. Smells like puke. I look in one of the stalls, and its destroyed. Barf EVERYWHERE. Toilet, floor, walls, CEILING. I put 2 and 2 together. My boy musta known he wasnt gonna make it. Somehow he managed to sign in at the security desk, take the elevator up to our floor, annhilate the bathroom, and then pass out on the floor of his office. What a trooper.

Wait a minute...the ceiling? Daaaaaamn. I don't even want to know . What I do want to know is that story about Burbon St. I missed that one.

 

[antidope]

There's a dude who is always coughing. It's a hacking cough too like he's deathly ill. I asked about it if he's sick and I was told "oh he just coughs" like it's not a big deal. It's gross, annoying, and I want it to stop. There's a guy who laughs at everything too and it's also very annoying the loudest laughs over the most common things.

People Also say a lot of off color things and freely discuss politics in the workplace and im just there nodding my head fake smiling

cubicle life = getting fat

i've seen so many PYT's get fat in a matter of months. hell, even i gained hella weight

beats working construction /breaking my back in the sun all day i guess

I put on 6 pounds one month after I started working couldn't believe it.

I'm the only person who cooks food for the potlucks everyone else just buys things smh

I also have two screens but they can see them remotely so I try not to clown around too much and avoid some threads on here entirely while I'm at work unless I'm viewing from Tapatalk. SB nation is my savior at work along with NT of course

That poop story can't be real

 

[lucho]

Old dude next to me ALWAYS hacking like he is trying to get rid of a hair ball. The later in the day it gets, the louder he hacks. Can't stand it so i always throw some headphones on and blast music. 

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Folks in the office abuse those 15 minute smoke breaks....I started going for walking breaks every so often and a couple of days I even brought cigars to work to do my thing.


Those work/office sports leagues are money though. Nothing better than dogging out your supervisor/team lead/superior on the court/field all while humbly smiling.

 

[mojodmonky1]

Wait a minute...the ceiling? Daaaaaamn. I don't even want to know . What I do want to know is that story about Burbon St. I missed that one.

ask and you shall receive. its 9:30am on a friday, i already know my managing partner is not coming in today so I have made a decision to not do a damn thing today.

Its not really a cubicle related story, but it is a workplace story (kinda)

TLR warning

There is this annual industry wide conference that we attend every year. Each year they host it in a different city. This particular year it was in New Orleans and it was my first time in the city. We only sent 2 people from the LA office that year, me and my buddy. A couple of my other coworkers who work from satellite offices in different parts of the country were already in town. First night in town, me and my buddy ditch the conference reception ASAP and hit Bourbon with a 3rd coworker and proceed to get s-faced. I hadnt eaten much that day since getting off the plane, so know that I'm gonna feel worse in the morning if I dont get some food so I stop and dip into one of the many pizza by the slice places to grab a quick bite. While I'm waiting for my pizza, my 3rd coworker (woman) comes in to tell me that she is going back to the hotel. I tell her to wait a sec and I'll walk her back as soon as I get my pizza. She says no need, and that she will be fine since she is familiar with the city (she used to live there). I ask where my buddy is, and she says that he is chatting up the doorman at the strip club across the street. I poke my head out to see, just as he is walking into the club by himself. Awesome.

I grab my pizza and am now alone. F it. I decide to go to Harrahs and piss some money away before calling it a night. Eventually I end up back in the hotel room when my buddy texts me. "Still at the strip club, bad news". I reply with a stupid "hahahaha have fun, ill see you in the morning".

Wake up in the morning, head to the conference. Buddy is a no show. I call his phone. No answer. No big deal. A couple hours later, coworker from the office calls me looking for my buddy. I tell coworker that buddy is a no show but as soon as I find him, I will have him call. An hour later its another call from the office. This time its my managing partner (big boss). I lie and say that buddy is not with me but I think hes meeting with other people at the conference. I tell boss that I will have buddy call as soon as he comes back. Right as the morning session is about to end, boss calls me again and he is livid. The jig is up. Somehow, he knows that buddy no-showed. He tells me "stop whatever you are doing, and go effin find him RIGHT NOW and call me". Im blowing up my buddy's phone, no answer. I go to his room and pound on the door. no answer.

I meet back up with my other coworkers who are at the conference. We decide that there is nothing we can do except wait and see when he shows up so we head to lunch. En route to lunch, my 3rd coworker (woman coworker from night before) gets a call from the office. Its big boss. They found my buddy. My managing partner was pissed, not because he knew that buddy no showed, but because he got a call from AMEX that morning about an irregular charge. $13,000 (+/-) charge from Lil Darlings. The rest of the trip, my buddy is distraught as hell (obvious reasons). I ask him what happens, and he says he doesnt know (lying... but he's in a bad spot, so I'm not gonna press him about it).

FFWD a bit. We are back home and obviously this is THE big story in the office. As luck would have it, my managing partner is something of a strip club connossieur having grown up in the industry, and he happens to know the owner of the club in New Orleans (it was an old associate of his father or something). He puts a call into the owner and tells him that one of his guys got into a bit of trouble, and asks the owner to look into it to make sure that there was no funny business and that all the charges were legit.

Later in the day, I hear my buddy talking to the strip club manager, and he is asking the manager to give him an itemized statement of his charges (LOL). The manager is giving him a hard time about it. Buddy hangs up, walks into boss's office and tells him that the strip club manager is hasslin him about the charges. The two of them go back to buddys office and call the strip club back (on speaker). Its worth noting that I work in a very small office and EVERYONE can hear the phone conversation on speaker. Boss gets on the horn, explains to the strip club manager that he spoke to the owner and the owner assured him that they (the club) would be cooperative in figuring this situation out. Strip club manager finally relents, and begins with the rundown.

According to the strip club manager, buddy came into the club, hung out for a bit, then was approached by a dancer for a dance. It was a classic case of "fell in love with a stripper". After a few dances, she asked if he wanted to go to the Cristal room. He agreed. I forget the exact amounts, but it was something obscene. The minimum for the Cristal room was 1 bottle of Cristal PER HOUR @ $1,500 or something PLUS $500-1000/hr for the girl. After 1 hour, the dancer asked if she could bring a friend. Buddy agreed again. Now he was into his 2nd bottle of Cristal plus it was now double for the girls since there were 2 of them. Another hour passes. The stripper then asked if he would buy her her favorite drink and he said sure no problem. The manager informed him that in order to buy that drink, he would have to upgrade to their finest room, the Silver Krug Room which costs $6,500/hr. He agreed. It wasnt disclosed how long he was actually in the room, but the manager goes on to say that when my buddy was presented with the bill, he attempted to pay it with his card but it was denied. He then pulled out the company AMEX.

At this point my boss jumps in and says "woah woah woah, you cant just take advantage of a drunk person. They have to know what they are being charged for and what they agreed to" The manager agrees. He says that my buddy wasnt drunk by that point. In fact, he was very lucid. So lucid that he told the manager "Damn... I know I'm going to get in trouble for this, but eff it. I'm the #2 guy in my office, and I'm untouchable"

It was like a record stopping in a club. Right when we all heard that come over the speakerphone, me and the rest of my coworkers grabbed our stuff and left. I seriously thought my boss was gonna swing on my buddy for that. The best part? What my buddy said is entirely true. He is about as untouchable as an employee can possibly be, AND he wasnt fired over this (just had to pay it back).

FFWD again to a week later. Things have calmed down a bit and we can all joke about it. Buddy has been getting it non-stop from everyone in the office. This is the stuff urban legends are made of. Me being the jackass friend that I am, I pile on extra hard and jokingly say that I take part of the blame since I had to leave him alone to go get that pizza. Later that week, my boss receives a fedex in the mail. Its from the strip club owner. He feels bad that my boss has to go through all this because one of his employees got into some trouble at his club. As a token of sympathy, the owner sent my boss $2,000 in strip club funny money (in $20 denominations). My boss takes the stack of funny money and goes into my buddys office. He asks my buddy "do you think you deserve any of this? Well eff you, you dont. Its mine. This is what I get for putting up with your BS". As boss is walking out of my buddy's office, the rest of us are just dying of laughter. The boss takes 2 steps outside the office, stops, turns around, and then says "sorry, that was mean." He peels off one $20 funny money bill, throws it at my buddy and says "go buy yourself a effin dance" and then walks out. To this day it was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.

 

[knightlovesqueen]

 

[acemaster193]

Great story Mojo

 

[jthagreat]

My boss is cool. He told me after only 2 weeks he wants to 'fasttrack' me. I was like cool.

BUT HE TALKS SOOOOOO SLOOOOOW

S!!! be playing with my emotions. ima impatient mofo (i know this) but he talks like the black guy off family guy. couple times i finished his sentences...He takes SOO LONG.

Good dude, but S!!!!

We also got this jabba the hut woman. no lie, they make her coffee cause she is so Fat to get up and get it. she once stopped me while walkin by to pick up a pen she dropped. like on some Craig from Friday/remote scene.

another woman who is scared of the world and believes everything she reads on the internet.

the front desk lady, big black woman, Nice nice nice lady, but she sexually harasses EVERYday.

thats my office i guess. they all cool tho.

 

[maddog345]

Mojodmonky1, that's a great story.

 

[antidope]

Folks in the office abuse those 15 minute smoke breaks....I started going for walking breaks every so often and a couple of days I even brought cigars to work to do my thing.


Those work/office sports leagues are money though. Nothing better than dogging out your supervisor/team lead/superior on the court/field all while humbly smiling.

My work fantasy league is ridiculous. Its like they dont care about the money that they put into it. We dont have flag football or basketball though, only baseball or softball neither of which I know how to play

, a good amount of them play golf too, which I also dont know how to do. Gonna have to learn all of these things though, cant really afford to be the odd man out.

That story is too ridiculous I want to go on one of those company retreats. I didnt get sent this year but people hype it up like its all fun and games.

 

[mojodmonky1]

Folks in the office abuse those 15 minute smoke breaks....I started going for walking breaks every so often and a couple of days I even brought cigars to work to do my thing.



Those work/office sports leagues are money though. Nothing better than dogging out your supervisor/team lead/superior on the court/field all while humbly smiling.

My work fantasy league is ridiculous. Its like they dont care about the money that they put into it. We dont have flag football or basketball though, only baseball or softball neither of which I know how to play , a good amount of them play golf too, which I also dont know how to do. Gonna have to learn all of these things though, cant really afford to be the odd man out.

That story is too ridiculous I want to go on one of those company retreats. I didnt get sent this year but people hype it up like its all fun and games.

i have very limited experience with work conferences and the such since I've been with the same company for 8 yrs, so its the same conferences year in year out. As it pertains to my specific industry (equipment leasing) all these conferences are just an excuse for everyone to get together, get fall down drunk and act da fool, and expense it all in the name of business.

but its not all pointless. i know its cliche, but a lot of business does get done this way. the last conference i went to earlier this year was in Denver. It was a lather, rinse, repeat thing every night. Conference/exhibitions in the morning. Keynote speaker and lunch. People skipping the afternoon session to take a nap or get an early start at the bar (i'm guilty). Hosted dinner and rampant bar tabs all night. I got more business at the bar at night than I did from the conference and exhibitions all weekend. In my industry, there is a clear line between the two different types of people. Those who are trying to court business (me for example), and those who have business they are looking to do. Both groups have their perks. From my side, I have to "entertain" or shmooze people that I'm trying to get business from. If that means I buy drinks all night or take em to dinner or whatever, so be it. Obviously I am gonna reap the benefits cause my 12 drinks arent gonna pay for themselves and they are going to go on the same expense account as the ones I bought. So who cares if I racked up a $300 bar tab on 1 potential. If he sends me even 1 piece of new business, I (or my company I should say) is going to make atleast $5-10K minimum off that 1 deal. Its just a numbers game. If I treat 10 people @ $300 a pop, all I need is to get 1 piece of business from 1 of those people for me to more than break even.

 

[beh235]

My man Mojo in the clutch with the story! Your boy got hit with the okey doke in the club. I bet now he'll just be watching them in a strip club. That's crazy how he didn't get fired for that though. He's really lucky your boss knew the club owner. Anyone else would have been fired yesterday AND had to pay it back.

 

[thadocta]

This thread reminds me of costanza and all the things he did in the office

 

[af1 1982]

Background - I'm currently an engineering co-op/intern at a heavy diesel truck company. I'm here for 6 months. We design and manufacture the powertrain in house.

Story - It was the first week all the co-ops and interns started. I didn't have anything to do the first week because I was still getting situated. I decided to shadow my roommate during his first week because he was doing an engine build. With all new employees, managers will usually have them do an engine build or teardown with one of the mechanics and a group of other new hires. This is so they can become familiar with the engine.

So I shadow my roommate (Aharon) and mind you, employees are normally not allowed to touch the engines because of the Union and what not. Only the mechanics can touch them. But for a build, they allow it. So my roommate is doing a build with a bunch of other interns. And me and another intern (Everett) decide to partake. Little did we know is that we were not allowed to participate because we didn't get official permission from our manager.

So we're building the engine and it's a blast. We move on to the piston and cylinder installation. Aharon has a tool to turn the crankshaft to install a piston. Meanwhile, Everett has the piston to be installed. Remember, Aharon is allowed to be there. Everett and I are not. Aharon doesn't lock the crank tool correctly and the tool pops off and goes flying. Everyone is laughing and giving him a hard time saying "Great going" etc. A minute or two passes and everyone is still cracking up. Everett comes walking over to the engine with a clamp holding a piston. Next thing you know, SPLAT. He drops it. Everyone stops laughing and immediately goes SILENT. The look on his face was priceless. It looked like this gif (sorry, won't lemme embed):

http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs7/2879247_o.gif

He cracked the piston and puts a huge dent in the concrete floor. Mind you, this is Everett's third day on the job. Every one didn't know what to say because it was so awkward. So Everett says "I'm so sorry. I have to go, I actually have to go to a meeting". Which is hilarious because he really did have a meeting but it was the first possible timing.

Fast forward the next day. Me and Everett are back at the build. One of the managers calls us out and kicks us out of the build. Dude wasn't super angry, he was just mad because the piston cost tens of thousands of dollars.

We laugh about it now, whenever we're joking around and going at each other's necks, I just bring up this story and Everett immediately shuts up.

 

[iallan]

I work from 7AM-4PM with a one hour lunch and two 15 min breaks.

My office is just like the office... except with like 15 Angelas.I feel like the Kelly of my office... I'm the only young filipino dude. 85% of them are old, rich white Christian cat ladies. There's a group of about 5 of them in their mid-50s that go to the lunch room everyday and have these epic discussions. One time I sat with them and in the middle of their conversation I thought out loud and said, "man, I feel like I'm in an episode of The View"... that was a topic of conversation for a good two weeks.

It's kind of sad working the cubie life... everybody gets so sucked into the monotony that every little new thing is a big deal. We got a new Keurig K-cup coffee maker and they act like it's the best thing that's ever happened. This lady just passed by me right now raving about how another coworker brought this salad with pinenuts, kale, broccoli, cranberries and now she's going around the office telling everyone about it. :x

I can't complain though... attire is casual. Flexible work weeks. Good pay. Big cubicle. Good HR. And my boss is pretty cool and entertaining, she's like Chelsea Handler but 10 years older.