I realized life was no joke when...

[cosmiccoffee9]

Should have opted for less pigmentation during the Create-A-Life process

I don't generally "play that card," but I do feel like I did way less than Ryan Lochte even if I was guilty of the charge (which I was never given).

Damn g but .

Going to jail in another country must be crazy. Almost went on 2 occasions. Both under similar circumstances as your own.

it is tho...especially since under this particular law system you are effective guilty until proven otherwise. all good tho, now I can say I've been to a Mexican jail.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

So hold on, none of the English speakingevent organizers could speak up for you? How are you arrested at a CONVENTION with nobody coming forward saying, "He IS on the list ."

 

[cosmiccoffee9]

So hold on, none of the English speakingevent organizers could speak up for you? How are you arrested at a CONVENTION with nobody coming forward saying, "He IS on the list ."

after the morning lectures we broke for lunch over about 2 hours so folks were scattered and everything happened within 10 minutes.

once I told the security dude the conference was responsible and I couldn't contact them immediately, my day was over.

it could have been worse, I could have been snapped into cuffs in front of Neil deGrasse Tyson or some ****. he wasn't there, but still.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

That is a wild story man.

Glad you are ok, always appreciate reading your stuff.

Pause.

 

[danger style]

when I was locked up abroad last week, although I did review the jail for my column so I guess it was still kind of a joke.

Spoiler: Long Read Ahead

It was a productive and fulfilling start to the week…I had been invited to a scientific conference at an Unnamed All-Inclusive Hotel (no hard feelings, guys) and was excited for several days of lectures on one of my favorite subjects.

Little did I know I was in for the experience of a lifetime…but not the one I expected.

After a welcome party at the hotel the previous evening, the morning of the first presentations came. I arrived onsite and took my seat between a senior Cambridge professor and an actual NASA employee, furiously working my purple pen to keep notes on the advanced material.

Lunchtime came, and after a meal of a few mediocre egg rolls and what was possibly the single okayest cheeseburger in paradise, I started to pack up and head back upstairs to take in the afternoon’s lectures.

Started to.

As I moved toward the exit of the cafeteria, an understimulated hotel staffer approached me and asked if I had paid for my meal, accusing me of hamburglary and insisting that I owed the frankly ridiculous sum of $25. I calmly explained that I was an invited guest of the conference taking place, an explanation that apparently did not satisfy the man in the collared shirt.

I reached for my phone to contact the event organizer and clear everything up only to discover that it was dead (sorry my nose isn’t pressed up against the thing all day, I know that is expected of us in 2019). A dispute arose as to who was responsible for settling the tab…I admit, I got pretty worked up over the whole thing.
Apparently I was in need of relaxation…luckily, today I would get it.

Buffet Secret Service produced a phone of his own, which was very much alive. He punched in a few numbers, and in what seemed like seconds a brightly decorated vehicle appeared on the scene. Before I knew it, I was the fortunate recipient of a police escort north of the airport to the neighborhood of Las Juntas, home of La Fisicalia Correctional Spa.

The Vibes: Secured at the wrist to the open-air passenger platform for safety or something, I felt the cool highway breeze whip pleasantly through my hair as we sped up 200 toward our destination for the evening. I made conversation with my security detail on the ride, mostly about current events such as my impending stay at La Fisicalia.

Upon my arrival at the accommodations, I learned that the establishment was based in part on the sensory deprivation concept that has become popular with some demographics in recent years. I was encouraged to remove all my bracelets, necklaces, and other character design elements to fully immerse myself in the experience.

Although I was initially hesitant, the staff was very convincing in their desire to have me get into the spirit of the setting. I hadn’t actually seen my wrists in years, so it was a unique opportunity for self-examination.

After being processed and photographed (I assume for advertising purposes, happens to me pretty regularly), I was shown to my quarters. A minimalist space was dominated by stately grey tones and empty of every imaginable object except for a molded concrete toilet, which could only be flushed from outside. I thought it showed a commitment to service by the staff.

At first I was told that I would only be provided with hourly lodging–a standard practice in accommodations of a certain caliber–but as the door closed behind me the bellhop informed me that my stay might possibly be extended overnight, allowing me to experience a full rotation of The Earth in the healing embrace of the correctional spa.

A customer service agent later came to confirm this, leaving me to unwind after a short day on the cold concrete floor. She added that I would at least get to enjoy a room to myself while adjacent suites were occupied by 5 or 6 guests. Some call that “solitary confinement,” but I preferred to think of it as VIP treatment.

For full disclosure, I found the lack of certainty regarding the length of my stay somewhat unprofessional for my American sensibilities and asked to speak with the manager in my best imitation of a Midwestern mother. The staff, hearing my concerns, offered me a complimentary Mace facial for my inconvenience, which I declined as I am unfortunately allergic to Mace.

Still, it’s the thought that counts.

The Vices: Left to my own devices without any of my own devices, I discovered other ways to help me make the most of my stay at La Fisicalia. Following the lead of ORLANDO HECTOR, the gentleman who had previously enjoyed a stay in my room and made his mark in three-inch letters on the ceiling, I scrawled out my own in the wall-size guestbook using a button from my cargo shorts. With the lack of distractions, my creativity was unlocked already.

Some time later, I was offered a refreshment: rebottled water. It seemed a bit oily, which I attributed to some kind of health food thing…maybe it was alkaline or charcoal-activated or whatever. In any event, it was a bit too fancy for me so I didn’t drink much.

I pride myself on being able to foster camaraderie in a wide range of scenarios, a skill which served me well during my stay at La Fisicalia. I forged a connection with several large cockroaches that crawled out of the toilet in my quarters during the evening. For hours we played catch with one of my shoes until our game was broken up by a hungry sparrow, who had apparently also caught wind of the cuisine offered at these friendly confines.

Isolation in the chamber was a chance to be alone with my thoughts, a luxury we are rarely afforded in our modern world. I considered that every decision I had made in my 31 years had led me here, and pondered what it meant to start April Fools’ Day at a conference on the furthest reaches of space and end it in this room exploring the deepest recesses of my mind.

My preset wakeup call came at approximately 7am as flights began to depart from the airport nearby, but I found it unnecessary as the excitement of being invited to La Fisicalia hadn’t worn off since the moment I stepped off the shuttle, and I had been unable to sleep.

Some time later, room service arrived: tortillas–dyed grey to match my room’s decor, an inspired touch–along with some kind of food liquid and what could have possibly been eggs. It was probably vegan, which reflected the correctional spa’s focus on a holistic approach.

I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t feeling very hungry.

The daily activity schedule offered plenty of options for passing the time. I meditated. I took a short nap. I performed a bit of karaoke. I used my very limited mathleticism to figure out that a mile was about 1,730 steps for me, and put several of them on my internal FitBit during the day.

I inquired repeatedly about early check-out and was told I would have to wait the full 24 hours. The commitment to their method was admirable, but I was ready to go for a smoke. “There must be some kind of way out of here,” said this joker to a guy next door. He didn’t get the reference, a profound reminder that my reality is only my own.

Some time later, a representative from the front desk came to my room to inform me that my stay at La Fisicalia was at an end. I’m notoriously terrible with hotel check-out times, and so I truly appreciated the reminder…another example of the exceptional caliber of service.

I had heard rumors that the staff at La Fisicalia had a reputation for taking valuables from their guests while they slept, one which I happily discovered was wholly unfounded. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised to find all my party apparati safely in my backpack where I had surreptitiously stashed them while being checked in because you can’t be too careful.

Once I had served my time in journalistic endeavour, I gathered my things and headed for the nearest Oxxo to retox myself with a few cold cans. The return trip to town was not included with the excursion, and so after I drank all 3 x 37 pesos on a highway bus stop, I set off for La Chingona for my first meal in about 30 hours because I said I’d catch you there, dammit.

The Verdict: Although the facilities could use some redecorating in my opinion and the amenities don’t quite fit with my interests, I can see La Fisicalia getting a lot of repeat business. In fact, I was intrigued to see that the correctional spa had a community outreach program that offered free day passes and seemed to take a focus on the disadvantaged. Sadly, I’m not sure it’s really for me…probably won’t catch me there again.

cliffs:
-attended astrophysics conference as media
-invited to hotel by organizers
-ate lunch at buffet
-credentials questioned by hotel security
-attempted to contact event staff
-phone dead
-security calls police
-spent night in Mexican jail
-lol

@22stylez

 

[DCAllAfrican]

@22stylez

Yea, not happening

 

[Ube]

I was 17 and drove my mom to the ER one day because she was feeling weak and so they tested her. Results came back and we found out she had Leukemia which the doctors were saying was most likely due to her previous breast cancer/chemo treatment. She eventually ended up staying in the hospital for 4/5 months as she was on chemo and they had to keep an eye out on her due to her blood count always being up and down. My schedule that year was ****ing crazy. I’d go to school, some extra course after school to make sure I’d have enough credits to pass, then go straight to the hospital and be there until 10 pm, go back home to an empty pad. I was working on weekends at a retail spot for bills at home and food for the week. Then, do it all over again. It was tough as hell but even tougher was seeing my mom go through that ****. Looking back on it though, it was those moments that made my sister,mom, and I closer and really having each other’s back. She eventually got better and was in remission but was still constantly going back and forth for blood transfusions. She passed away 4 years ago. I miss her every ****ing day I wake up y’all. **** ****ing hurts but death is a part of life. I just feel like there’s a big *** ****ing hole in my heart. So everyone if you can tell your parents or whoever you see as your parents that you love them and tell them everyday.

 

[shogun]

I was 17 and drove my mom to the ER one day because she was feeling weak and so they tested her. Results came back and we found out she had Leukemia which the doctors were saying was most likely due to her previous breast cancer/chemo treatment. She eventually ended up staying in the hospital for 4/5 months as she was on chemo and they had to keep an eye out on her due to her blood count always being up and down. My schedule that year was ****ing crazy. I’d go to school, some extra course after school to make sure I’d have enough credits to pass, then go straight to the hospital and be there until 10 pm, go back home to an empty pad. I was working on weekends at a retail spot for bills at home and food for the week. Then, do it all over again. It was tough as hell but even tougher was seeing my mom go through that ****. Looking back on it though, it was those moments that made my sister,mom, and I closer and really having each other’s back. She eventually got better and was in remission but was still constantly going back and forth for blood transfusions. She passed away 4 years ago. I miss her every ****ing day I wake up y’all. **** ****ing hurts but death is a part of life. I just feel like there’s a big *** ****ing hole in my heart. So everyone if you can tell your parents or whoever you see as your parents that you love them and tell them everyday.

R.I.P. to your mom. My mother battled cancer as well and it came back twice. She fought until she couldn’t anymore. This March made it 12 years since she passed away. It messed me up big time and it left a void in my life where it’s difficult to be as happy as when she was around. I also regret not being a better son.

 

[Comparison Ford]

I was 17 and drove my mom to the ER one day because she was feeling weak and so they tested her. Results came back and we found out she had Leukemia which the doctors were saying was most likely due to her previous breast cancer/chemo treatment. She eventually ended up staying in the hospital for 4/5 months as she was on chemo and they had to keep an eye out on her due to her blood count always being up and down. My schedule that year was ****ing crazy. I’d go to school, some extra course after school to make sure I’d have enough credits to pass, then go straight to the hospital and be there until 10 pm, go back home to an empty pad. I was working on weekends at a retail spot for bills at home and food for the week. Then, do it all over again. It was tough as hell but even tougher was seeing my mom go through that ****. Looking back on it though, it was those moments that made my sister,mom, and I closer and really having each other’s back. She eventually got better and was in remission but was still constantly going back and forth for blood transfusions. She passed away 4 years ago. I miss her every ****ing day I wake up y’all. **** ****ing hurts but death is a part of life. I just feel like there’s a big *** ****ing hole in my heart. So everyone if you can tell your parents or whoever you see as your parents that you love them and tell them everyday.

Hits too close to home. My mom got diagnosed with Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia back in August. While she's alright for right now, it's a "watch and wait" game until she needs treatment.

It's definitely made my whole family closer though. All of the pettiness and minor annoyances go out the window when you know you're dealing with borrowed time.