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Recently, for the past two months, I've started feeling tired and down all the time. I don't know why everything is going my way and nothing has changed. I was ripped, and I am now skinny because I completely abandoned sports which I suck at now due to lack of practice and the gym.
I spiral sometimes into bursts of arrogance thinking I am better that everyone else constantly trying to top people and can't deal with people. I have to have things my way and become extremely competitive in silly things even in volunteer work before eventually winding down into a down state again. I can't talk to anyone about this because it would affect the way they look at me and question my ability to perform at work and volunteer events. I do feel as if my life has been waste because I never had a childhood. I spent my entire childhood on pills for extreme anxiety and OCD; but at the same time, I don't think I have a right to be depressed because my life has been picture perfect which makes me feel down about being down if that makes sense. I could never find the root of where this all came from because my life has been fine. Others are going through way worse.
.OP, from what I’ve read it seems you have a very competitive nature and your physical image is attached to the success of competitiveness. But those are very sport-like attitudes and it sounds like it’s not on par with the volunteer work you actually do. It’s okay to be competitive, it’ll yield to great output if you do the right amount. But the moment you start thinking you need to be the better than everyone in everything you do will be your downfall. You got to see the bigger picture in things, if the output of your work is positive; it doesn’t affect the output or tarnish your relationship of your peers, then you’re doing fine. But when you make it about yourself, and wanting to be on top, then maybe your volunteer work is not the work for you.
Just evaluate these things OP, competition seems to be rooted in you and you don’t want to change that and change who you are and what you’re known for. You have a lifetimes worth of competitiveness, so apply it wisely to what you do on the daily.
OP come join us for fellowship. I guarantee you'll feel better.
https://niketalk.com/threads/moments-that-made-you-realize-you’re-washed.670952/
This is exactly one of the things that I've evaluated except I bottle in my ego and competitiveness because having an excess of both even in silly things such as volunteer activities or friendly games I fear will make me look like an a-hole even though I don't feel I am doing it out of malicious purpose. I admit to that fault. It's just uncontrollable for me.
I don't think I have a right to be depressed because my life has been picture perfect which makes me feel down about being down if that makes sense.