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- Feb 23, 2008
This was posted as a question on Deadspin.com.
Question
If you were a Mormon, and could have only 4 wives, what would be the best professions for them to have so that you had to do as little as possible? My four would be:
Pharmacist (the one time I did have to go was awful, bonus if they work in a grocery store because that takes care of grocery shopping as well),
Banker/Accountant (No more bank trips, no more doing taxes, and she can handle all your investments),
Post Office Worker (I hate going to the post office more than anything in the world), and
Fitness Trainer (to keep the other ones from getting fat.)
Answer
None of those professions pay enough to qualify for my Mormon Wife Pool. One of them would have to be some type of billionairess, which would provide me with enough liquid capital to REALLY be lazy. I'm talking the "buy a $3,000 Japanese toilet that wipes your +%* for you" kind of lazy rich person. So that would be the first requirement. Then we'd be able to afford any number of slaves and lackeys to do our errands for us. Then, I would need the second wife to be either an experienced day care provider or kindergarten teacher, so that she could expertly keep track of both our kids and the many kids I would have with her sister wives. Also, she would have to be able to home school the kids, because, as an imaginary patriarchal Mormon, I wouldn't want the local public school teaching my Mormon kids about stuff like evolution and the existence of minorities.
The third wife would be a two-star Michelin chef. Not three stars. Two. We wouldn't want her getting too obnoxious about all her stars. So we have someone to take care of the money, the children, and the food. That would leave us one wild card wife to help with some other type of important skill or task I otherwise lack. I've got it: PIANO TEACHER. I could learn piano, and our lessons could include erotically restrained moments of wistful sexual longing, with just a hint of brutish sadism.
Question
If you were a Mormon, and could have only 4 wives, what would be the best professions for them to have so that you had to do as little as possible? My four would be:
Pharmacist (the one time I did have to go was awful, bonus if they work in a grocery store because that takes care of grocery shopping as well),
Banker/Accountant (No more bank trips, no more doing taxes, and she can handle all your investments),
Post Office Worker (I hate going to the post office more than anything in the world), and
Fitness Trainer (to keep the other ones from getting fat.)
Answer
None of those professions pay enough to qualify for my Mormon Wife Pool. One of them would have to be some type of billionairess, which would provide me with enough liquid capital to REALLY be lazy. I'm talking the "buy a $3,000 Japanese toilet that wipes your +%* for you" kind of lazy rich person. So that would be the first requirement. Then we'd be able to afford any number of slaves and lackeys to do our errands for us. Then, I would need the second wife to be either an experienced day care provider or kindergarten teacher, so that she could expertly keep track of both our kids and the many kids I would have with her sister wives. Also, she would have to be able to home school the kids, because, as an imaginary patriarchal Mormon, I wouldn't want the local public school teaching my Mormon kids about stuff like evolution and the existence of minorities.
The third wife would be a two-star Michelin chef. Not three stars. Two. We wouldn't want her getting too obnoxious about all her stars. So we have someone to take care of the money, the children, and the food. That would leave us one wild card wife to help with some other type of important skill or task I otherwise lack. I've got it: PIANO TEACHER. I could learn piano, and our lessons could include erotically restrained moments of wistful sexual longing, with just a hint of brutish sadism.
