Marriage issues mature advice please

[e3lal]

Originally Posted by mrkane

let me get this straight....

u work 12 a day..... you clean...make ur own food...and ur the only one with a job? And she still complains?

#%+ does she do all day?

USHER "im ready to sign dem papers"

I know couples like this

.  Each person has to bring something to the table.

Good luck OP finding the solution.

 

[crcballer55]

Originally Posted by casekicks

I would say that you guys either need to go see a marriage counselor or, if you are religous, go talk to your pastor..I'm not going to say that she is totally wrong and you are totally right because, being a married man myself, I know that no matter what there is always two sides/points of view to every situation..But giving you the benefit of the doubt because you're on NT and she's not, I'd say that she most definately needs to step up to the plate and contribute more to the marriage..I can tell you from experience that no marriage can survive if it's not on equal terms..If you're busting your butt everyday to provide for the household then she needs to be at home taking care of business..Thats the only way it can work..It can't be 70-30 or 80-20..It has to be as close to 50-50 as you both can get it..If she's not willing to do her part then it won't last..

I'm going to cosign with this except that it needs to be 100-100. Both sides need to be willing to reach to the other side when the other isn't pulling their own weight.

Unemployment and financial struggles can reek havoc on any relationship. I commend you for trying to pull in so much work while trying to keep your finances in order. It takes a real man to be willing/able to work that much for such an extended period of time with no end in sight.

What is she doing while she's unemployed? If she's only filling out resume's, forget it. That doesn't work unless you work in a specialized area. I suggest going to several temp agencies and getting on their roster. I got several jobs while I was unemployed a while ago including one that eventually turned into a permanent position. She should also try volunteering somewhere until she can find work. That way she can focus her energies on helping someone else and stop focusing on her misfortunes. Especially after getting rejected for a year and a half, you start getting really depressed and start taking it out on others you care about.

 

[Grine]

Originally Posted by 651akathePaul

Sounds like here love language is quality time and yours is words of affirmation. Cop the book 5 Love Languages and it'll all make sense. May even save your marriage.

srs

I brought this book.  "Save your marriage", NOPE.  Add to it, YES.

 

[mrbrown]

Her true colors are showing now

Money is tight so she wants to fight and you know thats not right. Usually when things hit south you see what the other person is made of and it seems your girl only really appreciates her accomplishments and her self worth.

Talking about vacations and stuff while she continues to moan and groan? Why does she need dates when she sees you coming home late at nightcause you had to step up to the plate. Apart from being very disrespectful it is also extremely inconsiderate of her. You are paying the price to be be the boss and for that reason you should be treated like the king you are. Not to please her but to please yourself. This broad would have gotten slapped a couple times with the incredible disrespect she is showing you after a hard days work.

It just seems the respect you thought you had was only truly given by her under her approval. Now that your the man she finds you unsuited when in reality she should be bending backwards for you

the new man of America

%+**

 

[spiceman80]

Originally Posted by 4U2NV


Was sup NT first off thanks for taking the time to read this, I am really going through a lot and have no one to talk to. Basically me and my wife of two years are having problems and might be headed to divorce court because we can’t communicate and we think it might be best we go our separate ways. Things started to go down hill last yr when she lost her job in January and I stated doing overtime the whole yr to make ends meet pay for some trips we had already started paying for and brought my mom to stay for summer cause I didn’t see her for four years. All this time I am working hard paying all the bills and other stuff you would think she would make it easy for me to come home after working 10 to 10 each day, instead she would complain about us not spending time, which I understood and apologized multiple times and asked her to hold me down while im doing this for us cause as much she was missing me I was to missing her also, so I would try to take her out on dates from time to time and do little things to show her I care so you would think she would take it easy on me at least for showing effort but no all she does is nag and continue to complain. So I basically got sick of it because I don’t feel she is appreciative at all, I still have to clean the house most times and cant even have a sandwich made after a hard days work. So we now have been arguing for months, she cant stand me and I cant stand her, I would like to make things work and have asked her for us to start over and try to work as a team but she insists that I should be the one the make the first move to try to make things right but I refuse to let her sit and evaluate me on what im doing while she has nothing to give. Should I be the bigger man and try to make things work or keep it moving with my life, mature suggestions only. Sorry for the long read and please excuse my grammer

first let me say I'm sorry for the problems you are experiencing in your marriage.  I am married myself and going through possible separation as well, for different issues.  Truthfully this isn't the best place to get the advise you need b/c i'm sure there is a lot more to it than what you are able to type in one post.  Not to defend your wife but maybe she is depressed b/c she isn't able to work and contribute to the household, which is coming off as her being ungrateful.  This isnt a bf/gf relationship where you can just ask us if you should stay together.  You are the only one who knows if your marriage is worth saving or not.  Once you answer that question truthfully, you know what moves to make next.  Counseling can be a good start for you guys whether or not you stay together.  I'm sure you would want to still have a good relationship.

I didn't hear you mention any kids, so if you don't have any be greatful b/c it would make things a lot worse.
  

 

[4u2nv]

I really appreciate the responses, she is 24 im 25 i just feel so messed up knowing that i be working my @%@ off and all i could get when i get home is complaints about me not being there when she knows what im doing, and about the cleaning she is goig to tell me about she not emotonally right so she dont feel to clean excuse me but what the hell does that have to do with keeping the place cleanOnce again thx for reachin out i just feel sick to my self that someone can appreciate and try to see what you doing for u and them

 

[Grine]

Originally Posted by 4U2NV

I really appreciate the responses, she is 24 im 25 i just feel so messed up knowing that i be working my @%@ off and all i could get when i get home is complaints about me not being there when she knows what im doing, and about the cleaning she is goig to tell me about she not emotonally right so she dont feel to clean excuse me but what the hell does that have to do with keeping the place cleanOnce again thx for reachin out i just feel sick to my self that someone can appreciate and try to see what you doing for u and them

Depression, bro.  From the sound of it, she's very depressed. Seek help.

 

[chickencurry4eva]

Damn OP, best of luck to you.

But like a lot of dudes mentioned here, you need to bring in a 3rd (neutral) party to hear you both out and figure out how this can be mended. In situations like this it's the only way if yall are both committed to giving this a shot.

 

[shatterkneesinc]

you need to call her out

 

[crunchyblack9]

On the real there are always three sides to a story. Yours, hers and the truth. I have gone through this and still go through this to this day. I have been with my girl 11 years. 4 dating and 7 married. If she truly isnt pulling her weight at home then there is an issue there all its own. She doesnt value what you do bringing in the means to live. She takes you for granted and expects this is the natural order. On the flip side you resent her for not being appreciative of your hard work and efforts. The thing is for both of you to see each others side. So many times we get wrapped up in me me me, but when you get married, it isnt about you anymore. You got married b\c you want to live to make that other person happy. Remember your vows. Actually dissect those words and apply them to your situation. What I have learned is that in the grand scheme of things the little things dont mean a hill of beans. If this is the only thing that you two are fighting over and you are actually contemplating a divorce, then there are other reasons that either of you are not being real with yourself and each other about. Figure out what those things are and I bet you will come to a resolution. For instance, you are working 12 hour workdays for trips? This is to spend time together right? Well cut down on the work ours and do local stuff. You just killed two birds with one stone. As for the cooking and cleaning, ask for help. Let her know thaqt you are burning the candle at both ends. If she loves you and respects you, she will help. If not then you really have to question if she loves and respects you. 

 

[executive76]

Pics to see if she worth keeping around?

Why hasn't she found a job yet?

 

[thinkinfresh]

Originally Posted by 4U2NV

I really appreciate the responses, she is 24 im 25 i just feel so messed up knowing that i be working my @%@ off and all i could get when i get home is complaints about me not being there when she knows what im doing, and about the cleaning she is goig to tell me about she not emotonally right so she dont feel to clean excuse me but what the hell does that have to do with keeping the place cleanOnce again thx for reachin out i just feel sick to my self that someone can appreciate and try to see what you doing for u and them

Do you really want to deal with the selfishness for the rest of your life? You have no children.... leave her. You are basically alone anyway bro

 

[bigrockford]

Just sit her down and try to explain to her the reason why your not able to spent time with as much as she wants to right now. Tell her that you have to work, cook, and clean. Now if she were to mabey clean and have food done before you get off work, you could have extra time to spend with one another. Is there ANYTHING she does to contribute? Stop being so submissive. You need to be the MAN in the relationship. That means do WHATEVER it takes to keep her happy. Ask her for suggestions on making things better.

 

[Case]

Originally Posted by 4U2NV

I really appreciate the responses, she is 24 im 25 i just feel so messed up knowing that i be working my @%@ off and all i could get when i get home is complaints about me not being there when she knows what im doing, and about the cleaning she is goig to tell me about she not emotonally right so she dont feel to clean excuse me but what the hell does that have to do with keeping the place cleanOnce again thx for reachin out i just feel sick to my self that someone can appreciate and try to see what you doing for u and them

I'ma put this out there, and in no way am I trying to disrespect your wife, but are you sure she's not being unfaithful?..My ex-wife kinda did what your wife is doing..But in my situation my ex was at work all day while I stayed home(due to disability)..She would always complain about the things I didn't do knowing full well I was physically unable..Then she'd try to blame me for not being there for her emotionally when that wasn't the case..Come to find out she was saying all this stuff and acting that way as an excuse to justify her talking/IM'ing some dude..I don't know if she cheated physically, but she definately was psychologically which is just as bad..After all this started with her we were seperated within 3 months and doen with the divore 6 months after that..So I basically wasted a decade of my life on her and I was only 2 years older than you when it went to hell..So I'm just saying you better make sure she isn't doing you dirty behind your back and if you truly truly truly think things are going to go bad you better go talk to a lawyer and ask him what exact steps you need to take to protect yourself and your finances..BTW, the longer she stays at home and the longer you pay for everything, the more alimony you're going to have to pay..Trust me I know how it works cause my ex-wife had to pay me 450 a month for 2 yrs. LOLOLOLOL..

 

[651akathepaul]

95% of the time, women who cheat, do it because their emotional needs are not being met. I can't speak on the situations of anyone else, but there has to be some semblance of compromise. Most of the time, efforts aren't even made and the bickering builds up to a point where the relationship is unrepairable.

Why not tell her that in exchange for a good 20-30 minute conversation when you get home that the rest of the time is you being able to unwind and numb your mind by not talking and doing things you want to do.

 

[shoefreakbaby]

I cant stand a person who is okay with sitting home and doing nothing while their spouse is working (except of illnesses)
I would feel so useless and would try my hardest to make sure everything was done at home. smh


Threads like these reaffirm my decision to not get married untill Im in my 30's

Spoiler

Spoiler

Spoiler [+]

Spoiler

Maybe never

 

[6 Rings G.O.A.T.]

It sound like your wife is cheating on you..

 

[shoefreakbaby]

Originally Posted by 6 rings MJ

It sound like your wife is cheating on you..

Why?
To me she just sounds like a selfish brat, she is used to going out , date nights having him all up on her.And she unwilling to make a compromise.

She should be lucky OP works overtime to cover what she no longer provides 

 

[cap1229]

Originally Posted by 6 rings MJ

It sound like your wife is cheating on you..

Thats not fair to say yet but I will say OP needs to sit down and have a talk with her and talk about expectations and maybe go back to foundation of the marriage. What both of you expect out of each other should be assumed but sometimes they arent and 24 is young but then again so is 25. Good luck OP. hope you and your wife can work this out. Communication is key.

 

[classy freshman]

Communicate. Let her know exactly how you feel, come to an understanding, and move forward either way

All good relationships have a good foundation. If your foundation isn't stable, your relationship will eventually crumble. So it is better to work these things out ASAP.

 

[calibeebee]

Originally Posted by 6 rings MJ

It sound like your wife is cheating on you..

This is what is happening for sure.  She is talking to a guy as more than friends at the very least.  That's when allllll the problems start.  She is already trying to justify it by hinting at the fact that she misses you so much or doesn't see you that often. 

You are doing all you can, and for her to not be appreciative towards you, the one with the full time job, then she doesn't have respect for you.  No respect= she will cheat on you for sure. 

Divorce her before she wastes anymore of your money.  It's sad but true. You can do much better.

 

[truballa101]

Originally Posted by NaturalyLight

so you're keeping everything together financially by working more, yet she's complaining? What does she do all day?

That.
What does she bring to the table?

 

[iblink]

If you really love her and can honestly say you think she feels the same, then try to convey to her that you want things to get better between you two, but improvements will take a joint effort. If that doesn't work, accept that perhaps it wasn't meant to be and cut your losses. No sense in being with someone that doesn't appreciate you.

 

[SHERLOCK87]

Please don't waste anymore time. Talk to a lawyer asap and divorce her.

 

[biglescobar]

Being that you are young and have no kids with her I would seriously look at divorce if things are that bad.....

I have a kid with my wife and have major problems now and if there wasnt a kid involved I woulda left already but now its not so easy....