Publicly Reminiscing Over A Past Lover

[blacklion23]

I see what you're saying. I guess this all depends on what type of man you are. I wouldn't want to discuss her lost love on the regular, but I would have no problem listening when its needed. With my lady I want to know all of her feelings, don't hold anything back because I'm not. When you allow that type of freedom in a relationship trust becomes one less issue. I would accept the fact that there is still love there. If I truly love her my job is to comfort her during these times.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Originally Posted by mytmouse76

Kinda heartless to tell your woman you don't want to hear her feelings on someone she lost even if it is the one before you. Just because she misses him doesn't mean she can't love and care for you. Will it be the same probably not but that doesn't mean its less than. Hopefully by the time you get into that relationship she's as over it as much as you can be in a situation like that but to say you don't want to be a part of that process if it does come up is a jerk move.

There's not proper way to grieve.


Yea that is what I said. No matter what, the person that says, "I really don't want to hear about that" will be viewed as a jerk. We all have situations that play out in our lives that will make us look like jerks. I guess this is mine. Even if it bothers them they are expected to sit there and listen to that person grieve over their ex-husband. I just personally don't want to hear about it. I don't believe that is heartless. I would respectfully let her know that I am not comfortable (something I can't control) with having conversations about her past love life.
I never said there was a proper way to grieve but I think it is SAFE to assume that any new person you are with doesn't want to hear about who you with 2 years ago. Dead or alive. I don't think anything is wrong with taking that precaution.

And I never said that her still loving him means she loves me any less. Those words never came out of my mouth. I just don't want to talk to my woman about another dude and how much she loves/misses him.

 

[|A-Man|]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

There was this woman that I worked with. Her husband got killed in a motorcycle crash. That was 2 years ago. She has a new dude now and I honestly feel for dude. In my opinion, her husband will always be a fallen hero. He went out on top. I don't think his legacy can be taken over by the new dude. I was discussing this with someone and we talked about how this woman should go about grieving. I feel that she shouldn't grieve publicly. I don't feel she should grieve to her new man. But if she does, the new man will probably not say anything because no matter what, if he says, "I'm not trying to hear that" he will be perceived as a jerk. But I don't think many people would want to hear someone talk about their dead ex-husband. I couldn't deal with that and I would respectfully request that I am not part of that grieving process. You have female friends for that. Go visit the grave. That is fine but I wouldn't be cool with having a discussion about how much you missed/loved him.

What are your thoughts on that situation?

Well that kind of shows your lack of empathy and if that's just how you are and you're that uncomfortable in that situation then there's nothing that can be done about that but if you really like/love the girl and want to be with her you'd make an attempt and even in her grieving process she would understand how uncomfortable it would be for you so I'm pretty sure she would grieve with other ppl. I would try a bit to console her even though I'm just not the consoling type. Things like her being sad on the anniversary of his death or birthday I could deal with though.

As a dude you shouldn't be trying to live up to no dead man's legacy. He shouldn't even be on your mind when you're with her. Shouldn't be asking yourself if she loves you as much as she did him. If you are might as well bail on that relationship for a broad with less baggage.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Originally Posted by blacklion23

I see what you're saying. I guess this all depends on what type of man you are. I wouldn't want to discuss her lost love on the regular, but I would have no problem listening when its needed. With my lady I want to know all of her feelings, don't hold anything back because I'm not. When you allow that type of freedom in a relationship trust becomes one less issue. I would accept the fact that there is still love there. If I truly love her my job is to comfort her during these times.

Yea different folks accept different things. I personally feel that role should be played out by her female friends and someone other than me. I don't think everything needs to be shared with your mate. I don't feel everything needs to be shared with another human being. Some things you can keep to yourself if you don't have anyone around you that really wants to discuss it. Not for me.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Originally Posted by ATGD7154xBBxMZ

Well that kind of shows your lack of empathy and if that's just how you are and you're that uncomfortable in that situation then there's nothing that can be done about that but if you really like/love the girl and want to be with her you'd make an attempt and even in her grieving process she would understand how uncomfortable it would be for you so I'm pretty sure she would grieve with other ppl. I would try a bit to console her even though I'm just not the consoling type. Things like her being sad on the anniversary of his death or birthday I could deal with though.

As a dude you shouldn't be trying to live up to no dead man's legacy. He shouldn't even be on your mind when you're with her. Shouldn't be asking yourself if she loves you as much as she did him. If you are might as well bail on that relationship for a broad with less baggage.



Tell that to a man that is dealing with a woman that has a dead ex-husband who has pictures all over her house. He will be constantly reminded about the legacy that the ex-husband left, so it is easy to say, "You shouldn't be thinking about him" when there are constant reminders in your face.

 

[ksteezy]

People take the bait each and everytime

 

[mytmouse76]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Originally Posted by mytmouse76

Kinda heartless to tell your woman you don't want to hear her feelings on someone she lost even if it is the one before you. Just because she misses him doesn't mean she can't love and care for you. Will it be the same probably not but that doesn't mean its less than. Hopefully by the time you get into that relationship she's as over it as much as you can be in a situation like that but to say you don't want to be a part of that process if it does come up is a jerk move.

There's not proper way to grieve.

Yea that is what I said. No matter what, the person that says, "I really don't want to hear about that" will be viewed as a jerk. We all have situations that play out in our lives that will make us look like jerks. I guess this is mine. Even if it bothers them they are expected to sit there and listen to that person grieve over their ex-husband. I just personally don't want to hear about it. I don't believe that is heartless. I would respectfully let her know that I am not comfortable (something I can't control) with having conversations about her past love life.
I never said there was a proper way to grieve but I think it is SAFE to assume that any new person you are with doesn't want to hear about who you with 2 years ago. Dead or alive. I don't think anything is wrong with taking that precaution.

And I never said that her still loving him means she loves me any less. Those words never came out of my mouth. I just don't want to talk to my woman about another dude and how much she loves/misses him.

We all have situations that make us uncomfortable some we have to just deal w/it. If every time you two go out she brings up the time her and JonJon went to the same place I could understand but if one day she's in her feelings about it and wanted to talk to you her current guy I don't see anything wrong w/being uncomfortable for a few mins.

I never said you said she'd love you less but when you called him a fallen hero and had a legacy you couldn't live up to I don't think it was a stretch for me to assume thats what you meant.

I also don't think its fair that because YOU feel everything doesn't need to be shared she should feel that she can't share something w/you.

Someone is gonna lose here. Her talking to you about it and you being uncomfortable or her keeping it to herself when she just wants to talk and you going on your merry way not knowing its on her mind at times. Might as well trade off every now and then.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

As much as you like to think I bait people, sometimes (way more times than not) I am simply having a discussion. So you can go somewhere with that nonsense. This is a solid conversation, really don't see what you are trying to accomplish here.

 

[|A-Man|]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Originally Posted by ATGD7154xBBxMZ

Well that kind of shows your lack of empathy and if that's just how you are and you're that uncomfortable in that situation then there's nothing that can be done about that but if you really like/love the girl and want to be with her you'd make an attempt and even in her grieving process she would understand how uncomfortable it would be for you so I'm pretty sure she would grieve with other ppl. I would try a bit to console her even though I'm just not the consoling type. Things like her being sad on the anniversary of his death or birthday I could deal with though.

As a dude you shouldn't be trying to live up to no dead man's legacy. He shouldn't even be on your mind when you're with her. Shouldn't be asking yourself if she loves you as much as she did him. If you are might as well bail on that relationship for a broad with less baggage.

Tell that to a man that is dealing with a woman that has a dead ex-husband who has pictures all over her house. He will be constantly reminded about the legacy that the ex-husband left, so it is easy to say, "You shouldn't be thinking about him" when there are constant reminders in your face.
Accept the challenge. Dude should be making new memories with the broad so the need for constant reminders become less and less. If he's going hard for it month by month a picture of that dead guy is replaced by a picture of a beautiful moment he had with her and then by the end of the year all his pictures are in a box in the attic collecting dust. Next thing you know he got her moving in with him, they buying new furniture and all that jazz and now she living a new life with him while that painful memory of her dead husband is buried deep with the help of time passing.

But hey if dude don't want to put in the work I can understand that. Just bail. Your friend has to realize he has to help her snap the +%%* out of it if it's been going on too long. If he recently died you let it slide for a few weeks maybe a month or two (takes time to cut all those ties and reminders) but if the relationship is going multiple years and every time he sleeps over he waking up to a picture of her with this dead dude it's time to make moves and make that decision.

 

[mangudai954]

Originally Posted by thytkerjobs

who cares

 

[blacklion23]

Not trying to derail the thread, but I don't feel like DC is trying to bait anyone. Seems like a legitimate discussion to me.

 

[mytmouse76]

I think it'd be disrespectful to have pics up all over the place if you're in a new relationship

A pic over the fireplace maybe in the bedroom is cool. I wouldn't expect you to pack that person away completely but you can't have them all up as if they still lived there & expect the new person to be cool w/that.

A special album dedicated to them you pull out from time to time cool.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Originally Posted by ATGD7154xBBxMZ

Accept the challenge. Dude should be making new memories with the broad so the need for constant reminders become less and less. If he's going hard for it month by month a picture of that dead guy is replaced by a picture of a beautiful moment he had with her and then by the end of the year all his pictures are in a box in the attic collecting dust.



Again, that sounds noble and spell bounding but who really wants to be in a situation where they feel like they are going to be compared
For instance, I had a cat from 4th grade up until my SOPH year in college. That was my dude. That man died and my father bought a new cat. No matter what this man does he will never replace the legend. That fool could be able to fetch sharks and bring them back in flawless condition, he would never be able to replace the legend. If I am doing this with a damn cat you don't think that  a woman could possibly be doing this when comparing her fallen hero of an ex-husband to her new man? 

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Originally Posted by mytmouse76

I think it'd be disrespectful to have pics up all over the place if you're in a new relationship

A pic over the fireplace maybe in the bedroom is cool. I wouldn't expect you to pack that person away completely but you can't have them all up as if they still lived there & expect the new person to be cool w/that.

A special album dedicated to them you pull out from time to time cool.

See I personally wouldn't have pictures up in eyesight of the new person. I wouldn't want that person to ever feel like they have to live up to that person and I feel having pictures up does just that. Yes they might be gone but that chapter is unfortunately closed. Me taking the pictures down means nothing. No soft stuff but all of the memories will be in my mind (ugh that hurt to say 

 ). The pictures will be in my New Balance shoe box like the rest of all of the old stuff I keep of past folks. Her memories aren't going anywhere but if I have moved on with someone else, I don't think it is fair to her if I still had memories of my old person out in the open.

 

[|A-Man|]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Originally Posted by ATGD7154xBBxMZ

Accept the challenge. Dude should be making new memories with the broad so the need for constant reminders become less and less. If he's going hard for it month by month a picture of that dead guy is replaced by a picture of a beautiful moment he had with her and then by the end of the year all his pictures are in a box in the attic collecting dust.

Again, that sounds noble and spell bounding but who really wants to be in a situation where they feel like they are going to be compared
For instance, I had a cat from 4th grade up until my SOPH year in college. That was my dude. That man died and my father bought a new cat. No matter what this man does he will never replace the legend. That fool could be able to fetch sharks and bring them back in flawless condition, he would never be able to replace the legend. If I am doing this with a damn cat you don't think that  a woman could possibly be doing this when comparing her fallen hero of an ex-husband to her new man? 

Man this *#$! don't got a damn thing to do with nobility. Does dude want to be with the girl? Is he willing to deal with her going through this in order for him to eventually have a long lasting relationship with her? If the answer is no to both tell your friend to bail.

The thing about it is when your friend does bail when she is done grieving and is moving on going out with her friends to the club having fun living life some other dude lucks out and doesn't even have to do half the work to get in the same position your boy was initially in.

Man #*!@ your cat %%!%#. We are not comparing animals to ppl son. I can't have that discussion. I don't like animals. When my fish die I throw them in the backyard or flush them down the toilet. This whole idea of dead pet worship and legacy for a dead pet is a sickness. If the woman is putting the dude on a crazy high pedestal then that's her problem. If your boy is willing to try and sees after a few months it's not working and he's in the same place he started BAIL ASAP. That's a thing when it becomes HER problem and evidently no dude is going to get through to her and she'll probably grow old and alone. I'm not arguing dude should stay and try to work it out no matter what. I'm saying if he does love her and wants it to last after a reasonable amount of time of her grieving try and make it work. The only reason you're so negative now is cuz it looks that bad now and she's still grieving but you'd probably be surprised if you saw her 6 months from now getting her back blown out in the club.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

That is why I said I wouldn't knowingly go through it with someone that had their ex die like that because I wouldn't be able to give her the comfort that she needed to get through it. I admit it, I would care more about my uncomfortablity than her trying to talk to me about it because I wouldn't want to hear about it. So she would essentially deserve "better" than me.

Originally Posted by ATGD7154xBBxMZ

Man #*!@ your cat %%!%#. We are not comparing animals to ppl son. I can't have that discussion. I don't like animals. When my fish die I throw them in the backyard or flush them down the toilet. This whole idea of dead pet worship and legacy for a dead pet is a sickness.

 Sidenote: how in the world do you hate animals man.

 

[|A-Man|]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

That is why I said I wouldn't knowingly go through it with someone that had their ex die like that because I wouldn't be able to give her the comfort that she needed to get through it. I admit it, I would care more about my uncomfortablity than her trying to talk to me about it because I wouldn't want to hear about it. So she would essentially deserve "better" than me.

Originally Posted by ATGD7154xBBxMZ

Man #*!@ your cat %%!%#. We are not comparing animals to ppl son. I can't have that discussion. I don't like animals. When my fish die I throw them in the backyard or flush them down the toilet. This whole idea of dead pet worship and legacy for a dead pet is a sickness.

I feel what you saying if you just don't want to deal with it. I'd feel uncomfortable as well since like I said I'm not the consoling type but I'd make an attempt if I feel if it's worth it even if it's half-assed or completely faked. If I feel I can wait it out I have the patience and tolerance for it within a reasonable amount of time.

I just don't like the majority of animals man for the most part. Any of them that require a lot of maintenance or are just freely roaming the streets or flying above me like this is the jungle or forest like they aint in a civilized area where humans rules just irk me.

 

[mitchellicious]

Originally Posted by SoVerSoTowel

Originally Posted by MonStar1

I tell her even the Roc didnt last forever
If she wanna reminise go to coachella

-Monstar

Don't know how I missed this the 1st time.

 

[kramer]

Keep on rappin monstar

 

[spookz312]

publicly cause thats her peoples probably just to keep the mans memory alive ##!% thats ma brother right there same reason i smash my ##!% to the fullest and draw the windows when i got some pac on...i be at stop lights havin people thinking we still in the 90s and ##!%....

.**## this generation 100% Truth i pulled up to a cat the other day bumping Nicki Minaj Super Bass

.. i was

 

[nako xl]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Originally Posted by Nako XL

What are my thoughts?

That you're making an assumption about the relationship of two people you don't know and never will know and taking offense over it, when in actuality, it COULD just be (and VERY MOST LIKELY is) that they are just two people who grew up together and went to high school together, and as such she misses her murdered friend -- particularly now that a hologram of him is pasted over the media and being discussed everywhere she turns.

I'm just saying, you ever hear the adage "you know what happens when you assume?"

NOW if this is an excuse for you to rant about women (and I mean women specifically since most of your posts seem directed at knocking them down and praising masculinity - read: misogyny) posting on networking sites about their exes while actively in relationships then I think you should make that clearer.  The Jada Pinkett example is shaky.

If however you're specifically talking about Jada, then my further thoughts are that you spend too much time worrying about other people.

1. Your assumption is just as good as my assumption about their relationship. Neither of us know, we both have assumptions. So hey.
2. I asked what I was trying to ask and that was do you think it is ever ok to publicly reminisce over a past lover. Dead or alive.

3. So no, I was not specifically talking about Jada, she was just the example on deck. And even if I were referring specifically about Jada, why does that mean I spend too much time WORRYING about others? It was just a simple discussion. I could see if I am posting non-stop in any and every celebrity thread on NT but I don't. It is just a discussion, nothing further. Nice try though.


1.  You're mistaken.  I wasn't making any assumptions regarding their relationship, only you did that.  I was pointing out that the complete opposite could be just as true.  Considering that they've both said they grew up together and were best friends, would that even make it an assumption if that was what I was asserting?  You took something they said, then  said yourself you don't want to argue over whether they're lovers or not, then asserted that you don't believe they're just friends and that they WERE in fact past lovers.

3.  That is why you are too concerned with the personal lives of others.  Seriously.

(Not to mention every other post in General from you is about something you witnessed on the street, train, television that convinces you women have lost their way and men don't know how to be men in relationships anymore.)

 

[beh235]

I continued reading this thread and thought, as a man, why would you date a woman who is still greiving over her ex-husband in the first place? Unless you are a complete moron, you would know that she isn't completely over him, so why would you enter a relationship with that woman in the first place knowing what you are signing up for? It has to come up in regular discussion while getting to know her and I'm sure most guys would hit her with the

 when she brings him up. We all want to be the focus of someone's attention. I know if I'm trying to get to know a woman and in getting to know her, I find this out, I'm not going all in with her unless I know she done greiving over him.

 

[ruxxx]

Can one TRULY be "done grieving" over the loss of a loved one though?

 

[beh235]

Originally Posted by Ruxxx

Can one TRULY be "done grieving" over the loss of a loved one though?

No way to measure, but to a point where you can't move on and be with someone else. Death is part of life is it not?
  

 

[Gill Baka Esq. LLC.]

jada should have been with pac

will should have been with jackie

/thread