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Colombian Coffee Crystals . . . one of the most underrated SNL skits ever.
The Tragic Comedian That Was Chris Farley...
- Thread in 'General' Thread starter Started by ill legal operation,
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one of the greats RIP
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one of the greats RIP
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- Jan 3, 2009
Chris Farley was hilarious. He's just goin crazy in that video though
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- Jan 3, 2009
Chris Farley was hilarious. He's just goin crazy in that video though
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- Mar 31, 2005
Beverly Hills Ninja was def one of my favorites. Tommy boy another classic. Yeah I miss dude's work.
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Beverly Hills Ninja was def one of my favorites. Tommy boy another classic. Yeah I miss dude's work.
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RIP.
Beverly Hills Ninja
Dude was in one of Adam Sandler's movies... Billy Madison, right?
Beverly Hills Ninja
Dude was in one of Adam Sandler's movies... Billy Madison, right?
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RIP.
Beverly Hills Ninja
Dude was in one of Adam Sandler's movies... Billy Madison, right?
Beverly Hills Ninja
Dude was in one of Adam Sandler's movies... Billy Madison, right?
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- Nov 24, 2009
I get a little sad whenever I see his skit with Patrick Swayze. Such a classic. It's crazy that both of them are gone now.
His skit when he was a counselor-type brought in by Spade's parents was also great. Spade tried his hardest not to crack up.
His skit when he was a counselor-type brought in by Spade's parents was also great. Spade tried his hardest not to crack up.
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I get a little sad whenever I see his skit with Patrick Swayze. Such a classic. It's crazy that both of them are gone now.
His skit when he was a counselor-type brought in by Spade's parents was also great. Spade tried his hardest not to crack up.
His skit when he was a counselor-type brought in by Spade's parents was also great. Spade tried his hardest not to crack up.
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- Jan 5, 2003
Wow... he's in REALLY bad shape in that Leno clip. He can't stop breathing heavily.
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Wow... he's in REALLY bad shape in that Leno clip. He can't stop breathing heavily.
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- Apr 9, 2004
Yeah, him and Sandler got . . . it . . . on.
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Yeah, him and Sandler got . . . it . . . on.
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He was a very funny man. It was a blessing that those of us old enough at least had the chance to watch him every week. Really miss his crazy antics.
I can't remember who it was that had worked with him, saying that he was funnier than John Belushi. It was in some magazine interview within the past year. Chris Rock maybe?
I can't remember who it was that had worked with him, saying that he was funnier than John Belushi. It was in some magazine interview within the past year. Chris Rock maybe?
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He was a very funny man. It was a blessing that those of us old enough at least had the chance to watch him every week. Really miss his crazy antics.
I can't remember who it was that had worked with him, saying that he was funnier than John Belushi. It was in some magazine interview within the past year. Chris Rock maybe?
I can't remember who it was that had worked with him, saying that he was funnier than John Belushi. It was in some magazine interview within the past year. Chris Rock maybe?
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Almost Heroes > any other Farley movie
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Almost Heroes > any other Farley movie
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- Jan 17, 2007
Martin Lawrence's Monologue
.....Martin Lawrence
No, I guess this ain't the Def Jam, right, so I-I guess I better be cool, huh? I got some black folks out there to back me up though. (Cheers)
Woo! All right, all right. Man, I-I am so happy to be here, this is a dream come true for me. I mean, hostin' Saturday Night Live, I watched everybody. All of 'em on here, and I was like "when I'm gonna get my chance? When I'm gonna get my chance?" Well dammit, now is my chance. Ain't no stoppin me now, I tell you.
It's crazy though, I gotta talk about some things that the daggone censors are followin' me everywhere around, wish they'd get off my $++- oops, damn, did I slip?
It's botherin' me, man. You know, "you can't say this, you can't say that," I'm like, well, how am I gonna talk about the world? You know? I mean I need to talk about something to you all, can I- can I do it? Can I talk to y'all? (Cheers & applause) I mean, I-I hope the kids are in bed, you know, because I got to talk, y'all.
Um... Something concerns me real deeply. You know, uh, and it's crazy, uh, and no fella has come up to me, none of the brothers, anybody, has acted like it concerns them as much as it has me.
Um... The ladies, in the 90s, have license to cut off the pilly-packers. (Laughs)Yep. They got license to cut your thing off, man. And this scares me, OK? Because I know women are mad in the 90s, especially white women, I mean, this is the year where they smash your knees and cutting the pilly-packers off.
You know what I'm saying? But I mean, I feel for that man though, man. I feel for him. cause she took his thang man, you know what I'm saying? He can't do this (mimes intercourse). He ain't ever gonna really be able to do this. You know, if you can't do this in your life somethin's missin'. You know what I'm saying? And the lady cut it off, man, and cut it off while he was asleep and he ain't even know it was gone. He was asleep, just chillin', you know, rubbing, having one of them dreams, (mimes sleeping man feeling for penis) and woke up and wasn't nothin' there.
Now what got me about the whole thing was, if she's gonna cut it off at least she coulda left it around his bed or somethin', you know what I'm sayin', the man woke up with no options, couldn't find the peely- pilly packer nowhere, you know what I'm sayin?
What she did with it, got in the car, then she got in the car with- held it in one hand drove the car with the other. Drove down the damn street and threw it in the neighbor's yard. "Here, he'd like to visit your $++."
It scares me, y'all. It's sad, man, a-and how I found out, I found a brother, I heard a brother found it. You know, and it was scary cause they say he was just walkin' down the street, mindin' his own business, he's chillin', he... (mimes walking and stopping in surprise)... cause he saw this he said "Wait a minute, is that a pilly-packer? Damn." And it was white and little, so he had to squint. (Laughs & applause)
He ain't really know, you know, he said "Damn, well I don't really know that person," he wanted to pick it up but he said "I don't know the person." So uh, what he did was run and get a stick and scooped it up, you know and said "All right, cool, what can I do with it, can- what can I do with it," you know, "what can I do with it?" You know?
And he thought, and he said "what would a white man do, what would a white man do?" You know, and the first thing came to the brother's head was get it on ice, you know. So he saw an ice cream truck, you know, threw the pilly-packer on some sno-cones, you know. It scares me so bad I don't go to bed without a Nutty Buddy by my side, y'all.
Something else concerns me and it hurts, see I'm, I'm single, I'm a single man, I don't have nobody, I'm looking for somebody and- but I'm meeting a lot of women out there, and you got some beautiful women, but you got some out there that, uh, I gotta say somethin'. Um... some of you are not washing your $++ properly.* (laughter & applause) OK? Don't- don't get me wrong, not all, some of you, you know what I'm sayin', uh... I'm sorry, 'Cause uh, listen, now, I don't know what it is a woman got to do to keep up the hygiene on the body I know, uh, I'm watching douche commercials on television, and I'm wonderin' if some of you are reading the instructions. I don't think so. Y'know, 'cause I'm getting with some of the ladies, smelling odors, going "Wait a minute. (gestures with index finger) Girl, smell this! This you! Smell yourself, girl."
Smell yourself! I tell a woman in a minute, douche! douche! Some women don't like when you tell them that, when you straightforward with them. "Douche!" They, (imitating woman) "Forget you! You cannot douche all the time, you're gonna wash all the natural juices out the body." I say, well, I dont give a damn what you do, put a Tic-Tac in your $++. Put a Cert in your $++. Oh, oh, y'know, this look like a good damn place for a Stick-up up in your $++.
I'm sorry, y'all. You got to wash properly. You know, and then, you know, 'cause I'm a man, I like to kiss on women, you know, I like to kiss all over their bodies, you know. But if you're not clean in your proper areas I can't... you know... kiss all over the places I wanna kiss. You know, some women'll let you go down, you know what I'm sayin', knowin' they got a yeast infection. (Some audience disgust) I'm sorry. Sorry. Come up with dough all on your damn lip... Got a bagel and a croissant on your lip. "Anybody got any butter?" I like jelly on mine.
Well look here, y'all, we got a great show for you tonight, cause I'm here. (Cheers and applause) That's right. I'm here, Crash- yo, yo! Crash Test Dummies are here so yo, we'll be back, hang on, we gonna be back, we gonna do our thing!
(removes shirt and conducts martial arts moves)
* In all repeat airings of this episode, the show cuts away here to a series of text screens with voiceover reading the following:
V/O [ SUPER: ] "At this point in his monologue, Martin begins a commentary on what he considers the decline in standards of feminine hygiene in this country. Although we at Saturday Night Live take no stand on this issue one way or the other, network policy prevents us from re-broadcasting this portion of his remarks.
In summary, Martin feels, or felt at the time, that the failure of many young women to bathe thoroughly is a serious problem that demands our attention. He explores this problem, citing numerous examples from his personal experience, and ends by proposing several imaginative solutions.
It was a frank and lively presentation, and nearly cost us all our jobs. We now return to the conclusion of Martin's monologue."
The episode then cuts back to the live monologue, beginning with "Well look here, y'all."
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/93/93nmono.phtml
- 8,567
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- Jan 17, 2007
Martin Lawrence's Monologue
.....Martin Lawrence
No, I guess this ain't the Def Jam, right, so I-I guess I better be cool, huh? I got some black folks out there to back me up though. (Cheers)
Woo! All right, all right. Man, I-I am so happy to be here, this is a dream come true for me. I mean, hostin' Saturday Night Live, I watched everybody. All of 'em on here, and I was like "when I'm gonna get my chance? When I'm gonna get my chance?" Well dammit, now is my chance. Ain't no stoppin me now, I tell you.
It's crazy though, I gotta talk about some things that the daggone censors are followin' me everywhere around, wish they'd get off my $++- oops, damn, did I slip?
It's botherin' me, man. You know, "you can't say this, you can't say that," I'm like, well, how am I gonna talk about the world? You know? I mean I need to talk about something to you all, can I- can I do it? Can I talk to y'all? (Cheers & applause) I mean, I-I hope the kids are in bed, you know, because I got to talk, y'all.
Um... Something concerns me real deeply. You know, uh, and it's crazy, uh, and no fella has come up to me, none of the brothers, anybody, has acted like it concerns them as much as it has me.
Um... The ladies, in the 90s, have license to cut off the pilly-packers. (Laughs)Yep. They got license to cut your thing off, man. And this scares me, OK? Because I know women are mad in the 90s, especially white women, I mean, this is the year where they smash your knees and cutting the pilly-packers off.
You know what I'm saying? But I mean, I feel for that man though, man. I feel for him. cause she took his thang man, you know what I'm saying? He can't do this (mimes intercourse). He ain't ever gonna really be able to do this. You know, if you can't do this in your life somethin's missin'. You know what I'm saying? And the lady cut it off, man, and cut it off while he was asleep and he ain't even know it was gone. He was asleep, just chillin', you know, rubbing, having one of them dreams, (mimes sleeping man feeling for penis) and woke up and wasn't nothin' there.
Now what got me about the whole thing was, if she's gonna cut it off at least she coulda left it around his bed or somethin', you know what I'm sayin', the man woke up with no options, couldn't find the peely- pilly packer nowhere, you know what I'm sayin?
What she did with it, got in the car, then she got in the car with- held it in one hand drove the car with the other. Drove down the damn street and threw it in the neighbor's yard. "Here, he'd like to visit your $++."
It scares me, y'all. It's sad, man, a-and how I found out, I found a brother, I heard a brother found it. You know, and it was scary cause they say he was just walkin' down the street, mindin' his own business, he's chillin', he... (mimes walking and stopping in surprise)... cause he saw this he said "Wait a minute, is that a pilly-packer? Damn." And it was white and little, so he had to squint. (Laughs & applause)
He ain't really know, you know, he said "Damn, well I don't really know that person," he wanted to pick it up but he said "I don't know the person." So uh, what he did was run and get a stick and scooped it up, you know and said "All right, cool, what can I do with it, can- what can I do with it," you know, "what can I do with it?" You know?
And he thought, and he said "what would a white man do, what would a white man do?" You know, and the first thing came to the brother's head was get it on ice, you know. So he saw an ice cream truck, you know, threw the pilly-packer on some sno-cones, you know. It scares me so bad I don't go to bed without a Nutty Buddy by my side, y'all.
Something else concerns me and it hurts, see I'm, I'm single, I'm a single man, I don't have nobody, I'm looking for somebody and- but I'm meeting a lot of women out there, and you got some beautiful women, but you got some out there that, uh, I gotta say somethin'. Um... some of you are not washing your $++ properly.* (laughter & applause) OK? Don't- don't get me wrong, not all, some of you, you know what I'm sayin', uh... I'm sorry, 'Cause uh, listen, now, I don't know what it is a woman got to do to keep up the hygiene on the body I know, uh, I'm watching douche commercials on television, and I'm wonderin' if some of you are reading the instructions. I don't think so. Y'know, 'cause I'm getting with some of the ladies, smelling odors, going "Wait a minute. (gestures with index finger) Girl, smell this! This you! Smell yourself, girl."
Smell yourself! I tell a woman in a minute, douche! douche! Some women don't like when you tell them that, when you straightforward with them. "Douche!" They, (imitating woman) "Forget you! You cannot douche all the time, you're gonna wash all the natural juices out the body." I say, well, I dont give a damn what you do, put a Tic-Tac in your $++. Put a Cert in your $++. Oh, oh, y'know, this look like a good damn place for a Stick-up up in your $++.
I'm sorry, y'all. You got to wash properly. You know, and then, you know, 'cause I'm a man, I like to kiss on women, you know, I like to kiss all over their bodies, you know. But if you're not clean in your proper areas I can't... you know... kiss all over the places I wanna kiss. You know, some women'll let you go down, you know what I'm sayin', knowin' they got a yeast infection. (Some audience disgust) I'm sorry. Sorry. Come up with dough all on your damn lip... Got a bagel and a croissant on your lip. "Anybody got any butter?" I like jelly on mine.
Well look here, y'all, we got a great show for you tonight, cause I'm here. (Cheers and applause) That's right. I'm here, Crash- yo, yo! Crash Test Dummies are here so yo, we'll be back, hang on, we gonna be back, we gonna do our thing!
(removes shirt and conducts martial arts moves)
* In all repeat airings of this episode, the show cuts away here to a series of text screens with voiceover reading the following:
V/O [ SUPER: ] "At this point in his monologue, Martin begins a commentary on what he considers the decline in standards of feminine hygiene in this country. Although we at Saturday Night Live take no stand on this issue one way or the other, network policy prevents us from re-broadcasting this portion of his remarks.
In summary, Martin feels, or felt at the time, that the failure of many young women to bathe thoroughly is a serious problem that demands our attention. He explores this problem, citing numerous examples from his personal experience, and ends by proposing several imaginative solutions.
It was a frank and lively presentation, and nearly cost us all our jobs. We now return to the conclusion of Martin's monologue."
The episode then cuts back to the live monologue, beginning with "Well look here, y'all."
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/93/93nmono.phtml
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Watch the first 55 seconds:
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Watch the first 55 seconds:
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- Jan 18, 2011
Son i felt like i couldn't breathe watching him gasp for air.
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- Jan 18, 2011
Son i felt like i couldn't breathe watching him gasp for air.
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