This had my LMFAO......

[panaricanretro]

Forgive me if I'm late on this. Sis just emailed me the link and I was reading through a couple of them and I was in tears... Not sure if this issomeone really responding to a craigslist ad or if this guy just makes up the ads and replies, but still funny nonetheless....

Original ad:
PARROT WANTED
I am looking for a parrot for my two children. I used to have a parrot and loved her and would love to see my kids have one. Really any kind of parrot will do. I have a vet that can check it out - please email me if you have a parrot you don't want!

Thanks!

From Me to **************@*********.org

Hi there!

I have an African Grey parrot that my wife and I do not want anymore. It would be great for your kids! Let me know if you want him.

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Mike - tell me about your parrot! How old is he? Do you have any pictures of him? Why do you want to get rid of him?

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra,

My parrot is 2 years old. I don't have any pictures, but he looks like a typical parrot.

We are getting rid of him because my wife does not like him. My wife and I argue a lot, and the parrot seems to have picked up some of the things I have said and just shouts them at my wife when she walks by. I think the final straw was when the parrot called her a "stupid fat ****." She takes it personally, even though I tell her that she shouldn't be self-conscious just because a parrot thinks she is fat. Now I will admit that I trained it to say "nice cellulite, *****" whenever my wife walks by, but the parrot pretty much just curses at everyone now. Whenever I walk in the door, it calls me a "!@#$%^& grundle licker." It kind of gets annoying when it is the first thing I hear after working all day.

Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings "The Final Countdown" by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don't even like that song.

The parrot also has an issue with defecating in its cage. It will wait until I let it out, and then immediately fly over to the kitchen and @#%$ on my food. If I don't let him out, he starts yelling "I have to @#%$!" until I let him out. It can go on for hours.

My wife pretty much told me either the parrot goes, or she will leave me. So I have no choice but to get rid of him. His name is Sam. I think he will be great for your kids, as long as they aren't fat and won't take the insults he yells at them personally.

I can set up a time for you to come check him out this week if you want. What day works for you?

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Mike, I don't think that parrot would be appropriate for my kids - they are only five and seven years old.

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra,

I think he would be great for your kids. I didn't mean to scare you off with the bad description of the parrot. He really is a nice parrot. There is a way to prevent him from shouting obscenities. I found that if I soak his food in drain cleaner and then give it to him, it burns up his throat and he doesn't talk for a few days. I can include a bottle of Draino and a few bags of bird food with him, if you want.

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Are you serious? That can kill him!! He sounds like he was a nice parrot but you have no idea how to take care of him! Give him to the SPCA!

From Me to Sandra ***********

Excuse me? I know how to take care of a parrot. It sounds like you don't know how to take care of your kids if you are always turning down free, lovable pets for them. THAT can kill their spirits. Why even put an ad up if you aren't willing to be reasonable? Sorry this parrot isn't perfect. You can't expect people to give you Toucan ***** Sam for free.

I can't take him to the SPCA. They told me never to come back after I tried to give them a bunch of rats that my rat trap caught but didn't kill.

If you don't take my parrot, I'm afraid my only option is to release him into my backyard, and then shoot him with my shotgun for sport.

From Sandra ********* to Me

You are a ******* lunatic.

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra please take my parrot. I just checked and I don't have any more birdshot shells for my gun. Please don't make me have to drive all the way to Delaware to get more.

It's funnier when it's not edited. Here's the link:

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=59

 

[johnny jetson]

Good Find

 

[certifiedsw]

Your spelling had me lmfao.

 

[mister916]

 

[mjroccin45]

grundle licker??? ahahah that just sounds funny...

 

[bijald0331]

now that's funny.

 

[nationaltruckerdave]

Originally Posted by Johnny Jetson

Good Find

 

[iansmk]

 

[dylishis]

Originally Posted by Iansmk

!!*?!

 

[dylishis]

Here's one of my favorites

Originally Posted: Tue, 2 Dec 22:34 CST
[h2]Fine, Don't #%+%@+% Hire Me, You Can't Handle My @@!#[/h2]

---

Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST

---

What the #+$$ people! I need a !#+%%@+#%+$* job, and I have a resume that says I am #%+%@+% fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE #+$$?!

Cover Letter? Here's my #%+%@+% cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a #*#* if I have to...that's right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that $!*#++#+$@+! and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! #+$$ NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? #+$$ IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a !#+%%@+#%+$* job! Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll #%+%@+% show you!

OBJECTIVE
I need a !#+%%@+#%+$* job.

@@!# I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a #%+%@+% Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.

REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
[email protected]

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
[email protected]


So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

Sincerely,

Steve Madonna
[email protected]


remember.....anything.

• Location: Chicago
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 942873935

 

[frankreynolds420]

lmao. more funny craigslists posts please!

 

[frankreynolds420]

My response:
Hello single parent,
My name is Frank Dahmer. I love children and would love to take care of your children! I aspire to be just like my father Jeffrey Dahmer, who was also greatwith kids. Let me know if you'd like to meet up, alone, somewhere dark and ask me a few questions.


"Hello,
I am a single parent looking for a reliable sitter to pick up my son from daycare one to two nights a week. He will also need to be feed a healthy meal and bewatched until about 9:30 at night on Wednesday. Must have own, reliable transportation and provide proof of clean driving record. I am willing to payreasonable amount. Background check required. Serious inquires may email me at [email protected]. Thank you. "

 

[dmoney82]

This +** be having me

 

[dylishis]

Best of Craigslist! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

 

[kidfly sniperelite007]

Originally Posted by FrankReynolds420

lmao. more funny craigslists posts please!

MOAR

 

[frankreynolds420]

REHOMING: 4 Turtles and Rat



I found these 4 turtles sometime in the mid eighties lying in some green ooze. There must of been some kind of secret in this ooze, because before I knew itthey were the size of an elementary school child! As time went on they just kept getting bigger and bigger. In their teenage years they were the most funloving, karate learning, pizza eating, determined young....turtles ever! The rat was the driving force behind what I am today. He was the wisest....rat I everknew. He not only taught me self-defense, but self-discipline.



Now that they are in their late twenties a few things have changed. Last night I came home to the four turtles, their Asian pizza deliver boy friend Lu-Kang,and what looked to be a hockey player doing unspeakable things to this poor red head on my couch all while the rat just said "Yes my sons!". Speakingof the rat, all he does is whine and *+@%# in his own pile of piss, about the old days and how he showed his master who was boss. I hate that rat I wishsomeone would come along and just shred his +!@.



It all started a few years ago when I noticed the rebellious turtle stealing my trench coat and top hat and going out for "walks" at night time. Thenbefore I knew it all the turtles were carrying weapons (sticks, nun chucks, sais, swords, the whole bit) *#$*@!* flipping, tumbling and and cart wheelingthrough my window at all hours of the night. Then they would come home, eat all my *%++*! pizza and pass out. I think they are into drugs because every now andthen these drug dealing ninjas come knocking on my door threatening me because they need their money. I'm tired of this *%$$, I even took this ingrates tomeet vanilla ice once and BACK IN TIME to Japan! If anyone has experience dealing with drug addict turtles please email me back and they are yours!

 

[bijald0331]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=24

 

[frank 7he t4nk]

What the...

 

[frankreynolds420]

I am seriously enjoying myself right now. Thread needs a name change so more people will get in on the fun. The horse farm one was hilarious.

 

[frankreynolds420]

Original ad:
I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!

From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.

 

[iminchucks5]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=48

 

[blahzee]

 

[ktaylor]

lmao.. i remember seein one about a dude sellin his mom (obviously fake) but it was hilarious

 

[fenixconnexion.]

I posted this site before, it's

 

[frankreynolds420]

I got bored..

Looking for an experienced DJ for this Saturday night, August 15th on Maderia Beach from approx 7 p.m. - 10 p.m.

• Location: Maderia Beach
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: flat fee or hourly

[table][tr][td][/td] [td][/td] [/tr][tr][td][/td] [td][/td] [/tr][/table]
[table][tr][td] Yoooo!
What up my name is DJ. I'm from Maderia Beach. However, i'm only 23 years old. My father who luckily is also named DJ is 47. Together thats 70 years experience of being a DJ. What does this job consist of? Just telling people i'm named DJ? For work like this I will expect atleast 10 dollars a hour. Let me know and you got yourselves not only one, but TWO DJ's!

Sincerely,

DJ
[/td] [/tr][/table]