That's where the money is at.
Americans used to get high off of Hellman's on their salads. Used to be found in every home and diner in the Appalachians back in the 80s and 90s. But then Mexican cartels started flooding our streets with Avocado, also known as "Nature's Mayo" (no relation to Buttigieg).
It used to be you needed 3 or 4 of these Avocado to get satiated, but everything changed a couple years ago. A mysterious man who went by the name of Schrödinger introduced an ultra-pure version of Avocado. No seeds, edible skin, the perfect snack. He called it Green Sky. Nobody knows how he does it, but it's allowed him to consolidate his power. Now every lib in America is eating Avocado -- on their toast, in their sandwiches, mashed up and cut with some onions and tomatoes. This last version is known as Guac and commands a premium. You gotta be careful though. Sometimes it's laced with peppers that can get your tongue burning and your eyes watering. But it's addictive. People crave that high, chasing each bite with a sip of Corona.
Someday they find themselves eating Avocado straight up, by itself. It's really pathetic to see. But that's how they get the biggest high. Straight to the stomach and then the bloodstream.
We're dealing with a true epidemic here, folks. THANK GOD that we have Teddy "Ted" Cruz on the job. He is the only one who can stop Schrödinger. How do I know this? Because his father was the one who stopped the Tortilla Epidemic of the 60s. That's right, JFK wanted to replace good old white bread with homemade tortillas. We'd be eating burritos instead of burgers and our American way of life would be ruined. Not many people know this.
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