- 4,366
- 11
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2008
Average frustrated chumps are all too content to put up with endless crap-tests and outright disrespect from a girl they fancy. Then theydiscover, thanks to repeated failure, that in order to be successfulwith women, a man must actually have a spine. So off in the otherdirection they run, quick to pull the trigger and drop bombs on theseflaky @%+% when they step out of line.
I won't dismiss the value of expressing one's frustrations whilstsimultaneously defending one's honor/boundaries - but a very subtledynamic is at play here. One that is hard to see in the midst of arighteous rage.
If you feel the need to "tell off" a girl you just met, then youhave already invested far too much energy into her bullcrap to everhave had a chance to begin with.
(Yes that is a poorly constructed run-on sentence, but read it again till it sinks in.)
Most guys think that sticking up for yourself makes you a man, but Ican tell you that picking your battles is infinitely more masculine,and effective.
To get an idea of what I'm talking about you have to ask yourself a few honest questions:
Question #1: What is the return on investment (ROI) for a call-out?
Frankly there is little to zero chance that your diatribe will have anyeffect whatsoever. Women are the grand wizards of backwardsrationalizations. If they want to be right about something, then by Godthey will find a way to make those dots connect. Trust me no amount ofconvincing on your part will make a lick of difference. They willdismiss you as a clingy guy with emotional issues, and the scary partis that they'd be right!
Question #2: What am I REALLY saying?
You getting all huffy about the affair shows a weaker position in thegame. Though your words may scream manhood, your actions are far tooemotional to be considered as such. When you hang up that phonethinking that you showed her a thing or three, really all youaccomplished was demonstrating how needy you are (and how much higheryou perceive her value to be above your own).
Think about it. If an UGLY person flaked you'd just be like "MEH, theirloss". But throw in some nice knockers and an *@# that won't quit andsuddenly we are dealing with someone important!
Seriously, you think you are setting her straight but really all you are saying is "I am so angry at you for ruining my only chance at banging someone out of my league"It's a chump move, built on a paradigm of scarcity and desperation,hence the disproportionate investment/expectation in someone you don't even know.
Question #3: What's a bro to do?
After banging your head on this all-too-common wall - if you seekrelief then reach for the aspirin that's been helping men put women intheir places for millennia. It's called..
NOT GIVING A *!@+
Yep, if you really want to rig the game in your favor, nothing worksbetter than pure, unadulterated APATHY for a woman's BS. Next time youare tempted to tell her all the reasons why you won't date a flake, doyourself a favor - STOP GIVING A *!@+! Delete her number, unFriend herand save all that energy and breath for game to lay on prospects that actually have a chance at panning out. It's called "cutting your losses", and its a necessary part of being successful.
Interestingly enough, the very act of you cutting her off will give hermuch more pause for reflection than an emotional outburst, which onlyserves to invalidate everything you say anyways.
It's a bigger ROI too, for less energy expended. Any successful personwill agree - greater efficiency shrinks the space and time between youand your goals. While the next man is spending days waiting by thephone, getting into arguments and chasing dead ends, you cooly dismissthe ones that don't make the cut or just didn't work out.
Question #4: Not caring? Really? That's all I need to know??
I find it telling how many people call our mating rituals a "game" -but few ever truly outline what the basic rules/objectives are. Forthis I can only quote my cousin Jim, who is currently seeing 4different women, all of them smoking hot. His rules are blindinglysimple and almost make you want to laugh at the exhaustive volumes ofpickup literature out there:
Quote:
[table][tr][td]
Whoever cares more in a relationship is the loser
[/td][/tr][/table]
Note: I'm not saying you should not care. Just don't care as much and that will put you ahead by a mile.
See, in order for a woman to truly feel attraction to you (once youhave passed the physical scan), there must be some kind of magneticvacuum to suck her in. This vacuum is typically characterized by herwondering how you feel about her - a certain intrigue, or as the Frenchsay "Je ne sais quoi". She knows you like and find her sexy, but isthere something more? She has your attention but you are not "in thebag".
This is why wearing your emotions on your sleeve will almost surely getyou disqualified. If you just met her and are already this emotional,then clearly you lack the understanding to give her what all women want- a mystery puzzle to unravel and talk to their girlfriends about. Takeit from me - if she's not asking her girls for advice about you,waiting by the phone and wondering what you are doing right now, thenyou are not high on her list of things to do, and more flaking isGUARANTEED.
Question #5: How can I do this? I'm so angry at that stupid ##$!%!!
The only way to achieve this mentality is to dismiss the notion thatall your happiness and fulfillment comes from one particular wussy. Youmust embrace the paradigm of ABUNDANCE and realize that there are tonsof hot women out there who are either single, or terribly frustrated bymen who cater to their every whim or throw tantrums like sissies.
The good news is that there is no grueling effort here. All you need todo is gain some discipline and control over your irrational self. As amale this comes more naturally to you. All you need is another place toput your focus. Get up with friends- work on something meaningful forjust have some fun - meet other prospects and keep playing!
Disclaimer
Of course like anything there is an exception to this general rule. Ifyou are already seeing each other and she pulls something disrespectfulyou are entitled, no, obliged to correct her! But there is a way to dothis which will make or break you in her eyes. The same basic principleof emotion applies:
Let's assume that she's always late to your dates and it's pissing you off.
Weak Pimp Hand
(agitated, whiny voice trying to sound tough)
"I have had it with you showing up late. It's really disrespectfuland makes me feel like you really just don't care. Bla bla.. myfeelings, you suck, etc..."
Yeah THAT'll work and totally won't blow up into an unnecessary bout of drama
Funny thing is that guys who gush like this tend to fall on their ownword and put up with yet MORE sh*t because the girl is pretty. Thenthey wonder why they get no respect DUHHHH!!
Strong Pimp Hand
(stated in a firm, matter-of-fact tone - with eye contact)
"I'm only going to say this to you once: If you are running latenext time, don't bother showing up because I won't be here. Don'tbother calling either because I won't have much to say to you"
Notice there is no wiggle room for debate here. You firmly set your terms and stick to them.Either she gets with the program or you do the worst imaginable thingto her - vanish. Again, this requires a certain level of inner game andconviction as a man. It is deeply rooted in the belief that you canmeet a great woman anywhere and anytime, and in essence the currentgirl is expendable until she proves otherwise.
I tell you women are never more eager to please than when they aretrying to prove themselves or lock a successful man down. It is thisact of submission which gets them dripping with anticipation (andsaving you a lot of work in the process)
Question #6: Should I NEVER speak to them again?
It depends on two things.
[1] The severity of their crime.
[2] The level of control you have over your own emotions.
If they did some seriously disrespectful sh*t likecheating/slander/betrayal, then it's only logical that they don'tdeserve the privilege of your company. Let them eat sh*t and die, suchpeople do not deserve the time or power of your thoughts.
If it's something trivial or just outright annoying, and they don'tlisten to your first firm warning, then you should definitely distanceyourself. But if you have a lot of [2], you don't have to burn thebridge, in fact you can reap untold benefits from LJBFing them.
In order for this to work though, YOU have to be the dumper! It's theonly way to show that you mean business and stick by your word. No needto be an emotional assh*le about it either - Just treat em like theyjust lost an audition for a star spot, and can only hang out with youby kissing your *@#, or introducing you to their hotter, smarterfriends.
Question #7: Why are you posting something so obvious?
Common sense aint as common as you'd think. I'm seeing far too many ofmy bros falling into this trap. Please people - next time you findyourself rehearsing how you are gonna tell her off for not showing upor calling back, please STOP and get a f*cking grip on yourself, yournuts would be a good place to start.
Remember, letting emotions govern your actions is a woman's job, not yours!
Edit,
Part 2
The rules definitely change once you are in relationship mode, at thatpoint you have to tip your hand while still holding your frame intact,which is often a delicate balancing act. You definitely don't want tolook jealous, but then again you can't be 100% apathetic or she willjust think you are not that into her.
The real trick here of course is laying down the groundwork. If shesees you are serious about dumping her *@# for mere tardiness, she damnwell knows that she better not be grinding on strangers at the club.How you set the tone of your relationship from the start will oftendetermine its course.
For people who have failed to set themselves up in the proper, dominantrole - this is an uphill battle, but not an impossible one.
I had a friend in college who was a champ when it came to everythingexcept relationships. As soon as p00n was involved, it was totalwussification. After a lot of brainwashing on my part (and seeing thathe was a total failure dealing with women) he finally put his foot downon one memorable occasion. We saw his girl at this bar draped all oversome random guy, when she was supposed to be out with her girlfriends.I didn't even have to say anything, he marched right up to her and said"I hope you're outing with 'the girls' was worth losing a good man",then promptly walked away. She gave chase, but he stood his ground andcut contact. For weeks she obsessed over him without knowing why, evencoming to me seeking advice. I made it abundantly clear that she was onher own.
When they finally did talk he decided to give her another chance. Likea father laying down the ground rules for his child, he let her knowwhat it would take to keep him in the picture. Of course she agreed toeverything and for a time they seemed to be doing okay. But leopardsrarely change their spots. Once things got comfortable again shestarted chilling with "her girls" more often. On one night I saw hermake-out with an off duty bartender friend of mine. As soon as I toldhim he flipped the f*ck out, drove to her house and rang the bell. Sheanswered and...
Him: "Just wanted to let you know that I'm going out with 'the boys',and by boys I actually mean girls that I can hook up with while I lieabout where I am because you know - I'm just a wh*re like that."
Her: "I don't know what you are talking about"
Him: "That's right you don't and probably never will - it would requireyou to have some kind of honor or decency, but whatever. I gave you achance and you blew it. Like I said last time I hope it was worth it,because you will be spending the rest of your natural life wonderinghow you let me get away."
Her: "But I love you!"
Him: "B*tch please"
With that he turned around and never looked back. Interestingly enough,he NEVER had this problem with any women he would date afterwards. Heknew how to set the frame from the jump, and weed out the flakes andskeezers with no apologies.
So in short, yes you can salvage a relationship by being willing towalk away from it, but it won't have as much of a chance as one thatwas established under the correct terms.
And yes, it is good to let them see your anger when appropriate. But itcant be whiny anger, it has to be the cold, steady-handed type of ragethat puts the fear of God in them, so they know you aren't just actingout.
I won't dismiss the value of expressing one's frustrations whilstsimultaneously defending one's honor/boundaries - but a very subtledynamic is at play here. One that is hard to see in the midst of arighteous rage.
If you feel the need to "tell off" a girl you just met, then youhave already invested far too much energy into her bullcrap to everhave had a chance to begin with.
(Yes that is a poorly constructed run-on sentence, but read it again till it sinks in.)
Most guys think that sticking up for yourself makes you a man, but Ican tell you that picking your battles is infinitely more masculine,and effective.
To get an idea of what I'm talking about you have to ask yourself a few honest questions:
Question #1: What is the return on investment (ROI) for a call-out?
Frankly there is little to zero chance that your diatribe will have anyeffect whatsoever. Women are the grand wizards of backwardsrationalizations. If they want to be right about something, then by Godthey will find a way to make those dots connect. Trust me no amount ofconvincing on your part will make a lick of difference. They willdismiss you as a clingy guy with emotional issues, and the scary partis that they'd be right!
Question #2: What am I REALLY saying?
You getting all huffy about the affair shows a weaker position in thegame. Though your words may scream manhood, your actions are far tooemotional to be considered as such. When you hang up that phonethinking that you showed her a thing or three, really all youaccomplished was demonstrating how needy you are (and how much higheryou perceive her value to be above your own).
Think about it. If an UGLY person flaked you'd just be like "MEH, theirloss". But throw in some nice knockers and an *@# that won't quit andsuddenly we are dealing with someone important!
Seriously, you think you are setting her straight but really all you are saying is "I am so angry at you for ruining my only chance at banging someone out of my league"It's a chump move, built on a paradigm of scarcity and desperation,hence the disproportionate investment/expectation in someone you don't even know.
Question #3: What's a bro to do?
After banging your head on this all-too-common wall - if you seekrelief then reach for the aspirin that's been helping men put women intheir places for millennia. It's called..
NOT GIVING A *!@+
Yep, if you really want to rig the game in your favor, nothing worksbetter than pure, unadulterated APATHY for a woman's BS. Next time youare tempted to tell her all the reasons why you won't date a flake, doyourself a favor - STOP GIVING A *!@+! Delete her number, unFriend herand save all that energy and breath for game to lay on prospects that actually have a chance at panning out. It's called "cutting your losses", and its a necessary part of being successful.
Interestingly enough, the very act of you cutting her off will give hermuch more pause for reflection than an emotional outburst, which onlyserves to invalidate everything you say anyways.
It's a bigger ROI too, for less energy expended. Any successful personwill agree - greater efficiency shrinks the space and time between youand your goals. While the next man is spending days waiting by thephone, getting into arguments and chasing dead ends, you cooly dismissthe ones that don't make the cut or just didn't work out.
Question #4: Not caring? Really? That's all I need to know??
I find it telling how many people call our mating rituals a "game" -but few ever truly outline what the basic rules/objectives are. Forthis I can only quote my cousin Jim, who is currently seeing 4different women, all of them smoking hot. His rules are blindinglysimple and almost make you want to laugh at the exhaustive volumes ofpickup literature out there:
Quote:
[table][tr][td]
Whoever cares more in a relationship is the loser
[/td][/tr][/table]
Note: I'm not saying you should not care. Just don't care as much and that will put you ahead by a mile.
See, in order for a woman to truly feel attraction to you (once youhave passed the physical scan), there must be some kind of magneticvacuum to suck her in. This vacuum is typically characterized by herwondering how you feel about her - a certain intrigue, or as the Frenchsay "Je ne sais quoi". She knows you like and find her sexy, but isthere something more? She has your attention but you are not "in thebag".
This is why wearing your emotions on your sleeve will almost surely getyou disqualified. If you just met her and are already this emotional,then clearly you lack the understanding to give her what all women want- a mystery puzzle to unravel and talk to their girlfriends about. Takeit from me - if she's not asking her girls for advice about you,waiting by the phone and wondering what you are doing right now, thenyou are not high on her list of things to do, and more flaking isGUARANTEED.
Question #5: How can I do this? I'm so angry at that stupid ##$!%!!
The only way to achieve this mentality is to dismiss the notion thatall your happiness and fulfillment comes from one particular wussy. Youmust embrace the paradigm of ABUNDANCE and realize that there are tonsof hot women out there who are either single, or terribly frustrated bymen who cater to their every whim or throw tantrums like sissies.
The good news is that there is no grueling effort here. All you need todo is gain some discipline and control over your irrational self. As amale this comes more naturally to you. All you need is another place toput your focus. Get up with friends- work on something meaningful forjust have some fun - meet other prospects and keep playing!
Disclaimer
Of course like anything there is an exception to this general rule. Ifyou are already seeing each other and she pulls something disrespectfulyou are entitled, no, obliged to correct her! But there is a way to dothis which will make or break you in her eyes. The same basic principleof emotion applies:
Let's assume that she's always late to your dates and it's pissing you off.
Weak Pimp Hand
(agitated, whiny voice trying to sound tough)
"I have had it with you showing up late. It's really disrespectfuland makes me feel like you really just don't care. Bla bla.. myfeelings, you suck, etc..."
Yeah THAT'll work and totally won't blow up into an unnecessary bout of drama
Strong Pimp Hand
(stated in a firm, matter-of-fact tone - with eye contact)
"I'm only going to say this to you once: If you are running latenext time, don't bother showing up because I won't be here. Don'tbother calling either because I won't have much to say to you"
Notice there is no wiggle room for debate here. You firmly set your terms and stick to them.Either she gets with the program or you do the worst imaginable thingto her - vanish. Again, this requires a certain level of inner game andconviction as a man. It is deeply rooted in the belief that you canmeet a great woman anywhere and anytime, and in essence the currentgirl is expendable until she proves otherwise.
I tell you women are never more eager to please than when they aretrying to prove themselves or lock a successful man down. It is thisact of submission which gets them dripping with anticipation (andsaving you a lot of work in the process)
Question #6: Should I NEVER speak to them again?
It depends on two things.
[1] The severity of their crime.
[2] The level of control you have over your own emotions.
If they did some seriously disrespectful sh*t likecheating/slander/betrayal, then it's only logical that they don'tdeserve the privilege of your company. Let them eat sh*t and die, suchpeople do not deserve the time or power of your thoughts.
If it's something trivial or just outright annoying, and they don'tlisten to your first firm warning, then you should definitely distanceyourself. But if you have a lot of [2], you don't have to burn thebridge, in fact you can reap untold benefits from LJBFing them.
In order for this to work though, YOU have to be the dumper! It's theonly way to show that you mean business and stick by your word. No needto be an emotional assh*le about it either - Just treat em like theyjust lost an audition for a star spot, and can only hang out with youby kissing your *@#, or introducing you to their hotter, smarterfriends.
Question #7: Why are you posting something so obvious?
Common sense aint as common as you'd think. I'm seeing far too many ofmy bros falling into this trap. Please people - next time you findyourself rehearsing how you are gonna tell her off for not showing upor calling back, please STOP and get a f*cking grip on yourself, yournuts would be a good place to start.
Remember, letting emotions govern your actions is a woman's job, not yours!
Edit,
Part 2
The rules definitely change once you are in relationship mode, at thatpoint you have to tip your hand while still holding your frame intact,which is often a delicate balancing act. You definitely don't want tolook jealous, but then again you can't be 100% apathetic or she willjust think you are not that into her.
The real trick here of course is laying down the groundwork. If shesees you are serious about dumping her *@# for mere tardiness, she damnwell knows that she better not be grinding on strangers at the club.How you set the tone of your relationship from the start will oftendetermine its course.
For people who have failed to set themselves up in the proper, dominantrole - this is an uphill battle, but not an impossible one.
I had a friend in college who was a champ when it came to everythingexcept relationships. As soon as p00n was involved, it was totalwussification. After a lot of brainwashing on my part (and seeing thathe was a total failure dealing with women) he finally put his foot downon one memorable occasion. We saw his girl at this bar draped all oversome random guy, when she was supposed to be out with her girlfriends.I didn't even have to say anything, he marched right up to her and said"I hope you're outing with 'the girls' was worth losing a good man",then promptly walked away. She gave chase, but he stood his ground andcut contact. For weeks she obsessed over him without knowing why, evencoming to me seeking advice. I made it abundantly clear that she was onher own.
When they finally did talk he decided to give her another chance. Likea father laying down the ground rules for his child, he let her knowwhat it would take to keep him in the picture. Of course she agreed toeverything and for a time they seemed to be doing okay. But leopardsrarely change their spots. Once things got comfortable again shestarted chilling with "her girls" more often. On one night I saw hermake-out with an off duty bartender friend of mine. As soon as I toldhim he flipped the f*ck out, drove to her house and rang the bell. Sheanswered and...
Him: "Just wanted to let you know that I'm going out with 'the boys',and by boys I actually mean girls that I can hook up with while I lieabout where I am because you know - I'm just a wh*re like that."
Her: "I don't know what you are talking about"
Him: "That's right you don't and probably never will - it would requireyou to have some kind of honor or decency, but whatever. I gave you achance and you blew it. Like I said last time I hope it was worth it,because you will be spending the rest of your natural life wonderinghow you let me get away."
Her: "But I love you!"
Him: "B*tch please"
With that he turned around and never looked back. Interestingly enough,he NEVER had this problem with any women he would date afterwards. Heknew how to set the frame from the jump, and weed out the flakes andskeezers with no apologies.
So in short, yes you can salvage a relationship by being willing towalk away from it, but it won't have as much of a chance as one thatwas established under the correct terms.
And yes, it is good to let them see your anger when appropriate. But itcant be whiny anger, it has to be the cold, steady-handed type of ragethat puts the fear of God in them, so they know you aren't just actingout.
