70% of Divorces are filed by women. 90% of Child Custody cases are awarded to women.

[BANLEU]

Here’s my story:

Divorced this past June after nearly 10 years of marriage. We have two kids (11 and 4) that we have joint custody of. I wrote our separation agreement after several rounds of negotiation. We each more or less got what we wanted.

In my case, I wanted as close to 50/50 custody as possible because I know Maryland child support is based on the percentage of time that the kid(s) spend with each parent. Even with that joint custody and the fact that I pay their daycare and health insurance I still have to pay her because I make more. I know it’s less than what others pay (<$500) but it still feels like I’m being penalized for making a lot more than her.

As for her, she wanted 50% of the house that we sold even though she didnt put anything down and hardly paid towards the mortgage. This resulted in a $50k pay out to her that she already blew thru .

Anyway I say all this because I think it’s possible to come to more equitable terms if both parties keep their cool and are willing to give and take a little bit. If that isn’t possible, then lawyer up and keep receipts, detailed records, or whatever you need to argue your side.

Lastly, would I do it again? Hell no. I don’t think there is any benefit to marriage that you can’t get out of being in a long term committed relationship. It used to be that marriage was necessary for health/financial benefits but there are a lot options these days that don’t involve taking the plunge.

[Edit] and if marriage is a must then sign a prenup or for those already married consider a post-nup. It’s better to hammer out terms when ya’ll are doing good rather than when things get bad.

 

[getback]

My ex's brother committed suicide over this very same thing.

Worked at a factory, all wages garnished, went to his bm house to pick up the kids, was told no, then saw she had moved another dude in the house...a dude who he knew. The dude she moved in ain't even have a job...small time drug dealer. Was in there playing the PlayStation he bought for his kids.

He didn't make it another 24 hours.

He wasn't even 25 years old.

Sad as hell. I know of dozens of cases of "family annihilators" who've killed their entire families or their entire families AND themselves over financial hardships, child support, etc. That stress must be something else.

 

[onthenephs]

do yall believe a strictly monogamous relationship is possible for 20-30-50 years?
or if u get married should one prepare for the possibility of somethig else?

Yo from my experience, what type of man do you want to be? Women don't stop coming just because you're married. If you cant control your desires and in general live life thinking that pleasure is the be all and end all of life, then you're going to have a hard time.

If you want to be a man with a reputation of being kind, faithful, strong, loving. Then you have to aim for that, it doesn't just happen.

My first 3 years of marriage were filled with potential side things. I decided who i wanted to be in this world and stuck to it.

Also we are super over sexualized and everyone think they have 1 million options. As Cole says, no such thing as a life thats better than yours.

 

[getback]

but how do u know they were exclusive mutually the whole time??

It's just one of those things I'm 100% positive about. Difficult to explain.

 

[KHUFU]

So this kufi man is old enough to be a grandpa and he's on this site trolling us?

My melanin keeps me young playa', it is the advantage of being Black. Don't hate Mr. Irish and Puerto Rican.

 

[dabottom305]

I have faith but idk how I can keep seeing these stories and believe marriage is worth it. Idc about tax breaks.



I have a family friend who found out the 3rd/last child wasnt his. He found out because the bm got into a fight with her mom and her mom tells dude's sister to let him know he should get a DNA test. I never seen a man so hurt.

Dude ends getting put on child support after calling the bm out. He had opened up a bank account where he deposited 2k a month for the first 2 kinds. He kept receipts for any school related expenses. He showed up to court and the judge wasnt trying to hear it.

Mans got his with 28k in back pay and had 2 years left on the youngest that belonged to him. Fortunately he drove trucks so he made 6 figures and was able to cut a check. The bm let him settle by paying 20k cash. She through a party. That money was gone in less than a year. She's broke and doesn't own a home.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

I disagree. Experience triumphs observation.

But "experience" isn't the only way to experience/comprehend.

People can have second hand experience. (Neices/Nephews, caring for elder family members that are basically the same as caring for children)

LIke I said, I get your point but to suggest people without kids/marriage can't COMPREHEND the sacrifice is wild.

Again, I get your motive/intent though, so it isn't a "Big deal."
Again, I get your motive/intent though, so it isn't a "Big deal."
Again, I get your motive/intent though, so it isn't a "Big deal."

 

[KHUFU]

for all we know it can be KUFI WOMANNNN!!1

Is that supposed to be an insult? Thinking that I may be a woman is a compliment. I owe EVERYTHING to BLACK women.

 

[waukeganwill]

Here’s my story:

Divorced this past June after nearly 10 years of marriage. We have two kids (11 and 4) that we have joint custody of. I wrote our separation agreement after several rounds of negotiation. We each more or less got what we wanted.

In my case, I wanted as close to 50/50 custody as possible because I know Maryland child support is based on the percentage of time that the kid(s) spend with each parent. Even with that joint custody and the fact that I pay their daycare and health insurance I still have to pay her because I make more. I know it’s less than what others pay (<$500) but it still feels like I’m being penalized for making a lot more than her.

As for her, she wanted 50% of the house that we sold even though she didnt put anything down and hardly paid towards the mortgage. This resulted in a $50k pay out to her that she already blew thru .

Anyway I say all this because I think it’s possible to come to more equitable terms if both parties keep their cool and are willing to give and take a little bit. If that isn’t possible, then lawyer up and keep receipts, detailed records, or whatever you need to argue your side.

Lastly, would I do it again? Hell no. I don’t think there is any benefit to marriage that you can’t get out of being in a long term committed relationship. It used to be that marriage was necessary for health/financial benefits but there are a lot options these days that don’t involve taking the plunge.

[Edit] and if marriage is a must then sign a prenup or for those already married consider a post-nup. It’s better to hammer out terms when ya’ll are doing good rather than when things get bad.

quality post. Im married. Hit 3 years in September. been dating since 09. We have a great relationship. I cant for sure say we will be together forever, but I honestly dont see us ever splitting up. We get along just that well. But your line "I don’t think there is any benefit to marriage that you can’t get out of being in a long term committed relationship" really stuck out to me because I feel the same way, and my friends who are single or about to get married look at me crazy when I give them this advice. If I could do it over I probably wouldnt have gotten married so young. (Im 32, got married at 2 Or I probably wouldnt get married at all. I feel you can easily navigate through life with another person without having to fall into the pressures of weddings and titles.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

It's just one of those things I'm 100% positive about. Difficult to explain.

I also had the same question. What are some things you look/looked at that make you believe they were 100% mutual?

 

[MakeNTGreatAgain]

Is that supposed to be an insult? Thinking that I may be a woman is a compliment. I owe EVERYTHING to BLACK women.

no why would it be an insult

one of my favorite posters on NT is a woman
i love woman
kufi gang or dont bang yaahheeearrddd

 

[KHUFU]

no why would it be an insult

one of my favorite posters on NT is a woman
i love woman
kufi gang or dont bang yaahheeearrddd

I am certain that you are aware of the misogynistic content on this site, in the world actually.

I am grateful that someone would compare me to a woman. For others? It is indeed considered a slight.

Black women got Trump out of the white house. That is simply a sample size of the power they have.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Black women got Trump out of the white house. That is simply a sample size of the power they have.

 

[KHUFU]

You ain't right!

 

[NToweG]

I have a family friend who found out the 3rd/last child wasnt his. He found out because the bm got into a fight with her mom and her mom tells dude's sister to let him know he should get a DNA test. I never seen a man so hurt.

Dude ends getting put on child support after calling the bm out.

I'll be ready to kill h3ll in h3ll's kitchen after this...

I have faith but idk how I can keep seeing these stories and believe marriage is worth it. Idc about tax breaks.

I try to stay positive and optimistic...... But this though.......

 

[KHUFU]

The question many of you need to ask is pretty simple. Do any of you KNOW who you are getting involved with?

If you are considering a relationship with someone, who are they? What kind of family did they come from? What level of education did they achieve, and does it really matter to you? How do they view the world, and is this someone that you can actually hang out with, especially when you are NOT having sex? Can this person support themselves? Are they healthy, mentally, physically?

Men do not usually ask these sort of questions, because that booty gets in the way of safe, sane and sound thinking. None of the aforementioned, should be over looked.

 

[wayniac211]

I could agree to some extent.

They definitely can’t give input or advice on marriage and/or on raising a child.

They can give what ever suggestions but I really have to put my critical thinking cap with someone whos observed and has nothing experienced.

People can have second hand experience.

You’re right,. ...
But then alotta times 2nd hand is really 113th hand/I saw it on soc media so therefore its true true

 

[DCAllAfrican]

The question many of you need to ask is pretty simple. Do any of you KNOW who you are getting involved with?

If you are considering a relationship with someone, who are they? What kind of family did they come from? What level of education did they achieve, and does it really matter to you? How do they view the world, and is this someone that you can actually hang out with, especially when you are NOT having sex? Can this person support themselves? Are they healthy, mentally, physically?

Men do not usually ask these sort of questions, because that booty gets in the way of safe, sane and sound thinking. None of the aforementioned, should be over looked.

WOuld you agree that many BLACK men that aren't AS well off, are somewhat encouraged (by peers mostly) to "not give a damn about all that" when picking a woman.

 

[rhinosport]

I disagree. Experience triumphs observation.

But "experience" isn't the only way to experience/comprehend.

People can have second hand experience. (Neices/Nephews, caring for elder family members that are basically the same as caring for children)

LIke I said, I get your point but to suggest people without kids/marriage can't COMPREHEND the sacrifice is wild.

They can give what ever suggestions but I really have to put my critical thinking cap with someone whos observed and has nothing experienced.

You’re right,. ...
But then alotta times 2nd hand is really 113th hand/I saw it on soc media so therefore its true true

I agree with wayniac211 . Unless you have children, you would never know.
Raising a niece/nephew is not the same as raising your own.
Hearing about a marriage is not the same as being in one.

First hand experience is the greatest teacher. (And humbling one.)

 

[DCAllAfrican]

First hand experience is the greatest teacher. (And humbling one.)

I agree.

It is the greatest teacher but that wasn't what I was disputing.

 

[KHUFU]

WOuld you agree that many BLACK men that aren't AS well off, are somewhat encouraged (by peers mostly) to "not give a damn about all that" when picking a woman.

That's the dirty job that white supremacy has wrought, to not give a damn. The pain in the Black community is quite evident, and that is why I felt it important to bring race into this subject. There are plenty dudes, brothers that I know, that do not give a damn about such matters. They also do not realize how this leads to abuse, mistrust, and dysfunction.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

That's the dirty job that white supremacy has wrought, to not give a damn. The pain in the Black community is quite evident, and that is why I felt it important to bring race into this subject. There are plenty dudes, brothers that I know, that do not give a damn about such matters. They also do not realize how this leads to abuse, mistrust, and dysfunction.

Which brings me to my next point.

It is crazy how many people I have met/talked to, that really buy into the idea of, "Dysfunction is a direct correlation to how much one cares." Some people think being in a peaceful relationship is a negative thing. It is crazy.

 

[KHUFU]

Which brings me to my next point.

It is crazy how many people I have met/talked to, that really buy into the idea of, "Dysfunction is a direct correlation to how much one cares." Some people think being in a peaceful relationship is a negative thing. It is crazy.

Many little girls are taught that the boy who hits you on the playground, really likes you.

I had my daughters enrolled in martial arts at 5 because of this

 

[jape]

I've learned a lot in this thread.

there's a lot of insight on how everyone feels about marriage personally, but how do you guys think being married or not being married affects your children?

 

[kingfoamnyc]